Posted by KrissyP on March 1, 2003, at 1:27:23
In reply to SSRIs - Social Anxiety vs Existential Angst?, posted by Alara on February 24, 2003, at 5:32:44
Wow-great post. I can relate. I had to choose to and I chose to be med free inn poverty and I suffered as well as my family and friends. I often wonder why I have to be on meds, but still try to accept the fact that I have severe mood swings. I would rather play it off as just being a moody b$#@!-but that didn't work. I have a personality that is fighting with my emotions and I wondered if I could ever get by without medication. I am glad that you can work, I feel I am capable but I posted earlier about fear and I am only holding myself back and not acknowledging the positive, good, joy I can bring to a career and that hurts-really bad. I hate it and it hurts-real bad. I hear you when you say that sensitivity is the core of who you are-It is who I am and I have been criticized at times because of that trait, but I am now realizing that I am grateful for it, it helps me to be real in an often unreal society. Hang in there, we will be ok-hope this helped a little? Thank you so much for sharing this.
Kristen
Every day I go to work and function well. I am social, outgoing and get the job done. Without SSRIs, I'd be really struggling.
Before I returned to full-time work I was functioning well without meds. I was myself. I cried at national disasters on the news and was connected with the core of my being. Sure, I was a little over-sensitive, both towards others and myself, but some people would argue that a quality like this is an asset. Sensitivity is the core of who I really am.
Life presents a bit of an illusion at times. We think we have choices. Every day we can decide what to eat, what to wear, and what decisions to make about our futures. But do we really have that choice?
I live my life from day to day, popping 20mg of Celexa and 0.5mg of XAnax to get me by. Yes, it works and I am incredibly grateful. But I am not myself. I was forced to choose between supporting myself financially (a necessity for most of us) and being myself (med-free in poverty).
Sometimes I wonder if I sold my soul to drugs. At other times I wonder if I had any choice at all.
I am not depressed. I just feel a little sad and reflective tonight. It's not easy to give up a part of yourself just so that you can `exist'.
At times like this I grieve a little and can only hope that the day will come when I can function - just as myself...Meanwhile, I am improving my lifestyle (and hopefully my baseline brain chemistry) but a part of my soul is grieving.
Can anyone relate?
I've been keeping this all inside and it's starting to eat away(just a little bit) at my soul.
Alara
poster:KrissyP
thread:203266
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030224/msgs/204927.html