Posted by matt66 on February 28, 2003, at 4:35:08
Four years ago Nardil worked for me for three weeks and bust out. I've tried EVERYTHING since without feeling a thing. Every second of each of the +1000 days since the Nardil, I've wished my life away and thought about how different each of my thoughts and actions woulda/coulda been if i wasn't depressed. three weeks out of 21 years and there's no going back. I'll never be happy without feeling like i felt on nardil. not manic, just at peace and comfortable with myself. Anyway, going through these boards, I'm surprised at how side effects can chase people off drugs. I'm a functioning depressive: I'm passing at one of the top 10 liberal arts colleges in the country, i have a job, a good family, even friends back home. And I'll tell you right now without the slightest hesitation: I'd take the rest of my life in a wheelchair if it meant freedom from the depression. I would become abstinent, I would live on a lquid diet, take a vow of silence, whatever. I can't see how people can be responding to a med and back off because of side effects. it just doesnt seem consistent with what I've experienced with depression and my brief liberation. I can't tell you how many times I've relived those three weeks when I popped out and became a person for once. I actually loved myself, something I can't conceive of now. In a panic to get something to work (I've been at college this whole time, and with the added stresses and social pressures) it's been impossible to remain patient and sit on meds. The last year I've finally been able to sit on meds for a month, before that, I was too desperate to wait for something to kick in. Anyway, in my struggle I have had:
- three siezures from being on very high doses
-months at a time of insomnia
-narcolepsy (amidst classes)
-inorgasmia
-gone weeks without shitting
-spent entire days in the bathroom
-lost all college friends I made freshman year when the nardil made me a person. People I once cared about so much look away from me , embarassed by how awkward I make them feel
-self medicated with illegal drugs, cleaning out my bank account, and taking an ER trip when some mushrooms showed me just how much suffering I endure each day. In the panic, it took all five of my family members to hold me down, while I was spitting in their faces and throwing punches
-I bite my gums and pick my nail compulsively until it hurts. once the pain comes i really can't stop myself
-tell my parents regularly that I want to end it
-feel a compulsion to walk in front of moving vehicles
-absurd nausea/vomiting/bloody noses
-gone mute for days at a time
-bedridden and lightheaded from low blood pressure during exam week.And yet, like a mule, I fight through each day, scared of my footsteps, looking forward to bed where I never sleep and have occasional nightmares
My story may not be particulalry unique, and the fact that I've never been hospitalized (besides er visits and 15 ect treatments)and that I'm in college means I'm better off than some. Or am I? When I read about people stopping meds because of side effects, I begin thinking I'm in just a different league. It's like comparing apples and oranges, side effects vs. relief from anxiety/depression Take my balls, all my fingers and toes, just let me feel some difference. I'd take a day of feeling like I did on the nardil for a lifetime of this play-acting I have to put on. I subordinate myself to assholes and idiots because I'm too nervous/doubtful/inarticulate. I've never had a chick ( well, three in three weeks on the nardil). I was at school when the nardil worked, so my whole family doesn't even know who I am, what I'm capable of. Most people I try talking to suggest talk therapy or look at how I can function and pull in decent grades and can't believe there's something wrong there. I would appreciate any advice. I'm not scared of trying anything, including drugs not approved in the US (I have overseas connections-tried manerix, noveril etc.) Nothing helps my anxiety except pot, if I smoke occasionally, which is impossible for me- if i have it i'll smoke it all. I recently tried Nardil again at 90mg (it initially worked at 45mg four years ago) and sat on it for two weeks. my parents came to visit and I was a zombie, they warned my doc, and he basically demanded I get off it. now I'm on seleligine (eldpryl) 50mg, which doc says I'll sit on for three weeks, maybe adding doxepin, before going for a high dose of parnate (don't worry I know about combos). It's the second or third time around for all these meds, this time the logic being that I may not have waited long enough for some of the other drugs to start working first time around. Another question for anyone whose still with me (thanks a bunch!): have you heard/do you believe in signs that a med may be starting to work or that it may be likely to give a paradoxical reaction? I've gotten much worse on some of the meds I've tried and was wondering if this was enough to warrant stopping them, or if each med deserves 4weeks unless my body absolutley can't tolerate it. And as far as good signs, I've had vivid dreams before which doc always says is a good sign (how many times have we heard that one?) and occasionally I become more articulate, but I haven't found these "positive" signs to lead to anything therapuetic or worthwhile in the future. Any tips on drugs, dose, time would be greatly appreciated. 21 year old male, 250pounds, no other medical conditions and it was three weeks the nardil worked for before busting out. The seleligine and parnate i never sat on for over a month. should they be my focus since the nardil seemed to do something, or is there really not a corellation between one maoi busting out and another one sticking it out, in which case where to go? TCA"s again, for longer peiods of time? I have had some other minor reactions to meds (a night of mania on adderall for example) but nothing lasting. Cheers to you who made it to the end- it helped a little typing this.
poster:matt66
thread:204583
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030224/msgs/204583.html