Posted by LAURA777 on February 5, 2003, at 23:03:50
In reply to laura777 in response to your note to bee happy, posted by bee happy on February 4, 2003, at 19:37:04
hey bee thanks very much , and i have added alot of things to my arsenal of info , but i afraid to say that i don't think they will try it , but we well see , so far the provigil makes me feel lots of energy so i have to move but the good feelings that should back that up are not there , and let me stress i have gone to therapy for 3years and i used to go in my teen years and i also had a year of intensive therapy 11 yrs ago so i am doing very well on that end ,.. truly .. i am just stuck at this place of why do something if i don't get pleasure .. like i said i have been suffering since 12 ,, but i have not been aware of it .. the cage thing being very operative here .. And at the time i picked up heroin 11 years ago , i was not aware of what i was feeling and why i did heroin ,, so here i sit many years later very AWARE of how i feel .. provigil gives me energy and it has very low dopaminergic qualities though (hence the low abuse properties) there it is again !!
i think i get tired because of the boredom and the push of life ...
i am also afraid of getting a stimulant . it will enhance my dopamine , but i am afraid it will make me revved up ..i see the pdoc on febuary 21 i am going to bring all of my information to him , and let him decide and give me some input as to why he decides the way he does , because i am not stupid .. there is rational and biologocal reason behind the use of subutex in some cases ,, cases such as myself a few others on this board .. and i will not let the fact that i abused opiates before , have them tell me oh no you can't have this .. if i wanted to use drugs i would have started up again , but addiction is intolorable to me and it is not a way of life and i am way way long past that unaware dysfunctional way of life ... i just want to feel normal and do things and feel the other half of life !!!! ya know i do things that other people do because i push myself , and this is very rare , but i wonder why people do these things cause they are not fun for me .. now this has happened on variety of things . the only interest i seem to have is to read books and i think that is a intellectual exercise .. i am not an introvert either .. i just don't get what all this fun stuff is and this JOY ,, i thought when you got older that just left and here you are reality ..But this can't be because i see other people my age and older still expierencing these good things "what is wrong with me " this is all there is !!! except when .... i ingest an opiate . but some may say that is because anyone who takes an opiate feels great .. but for me it doesn't make me euphoric , only some and that is short acting , what happens in long term is motivation interest pleasure with no euphoria just normal..in a real sense , it is not out of proportion from what i believe a normal person feels .. sorry for the rambling , in fact people do not know i am on it and they know me and they say boy you look good and sound good today .. all except my husband who is so stuck on the addict shit .. his mind goes right to that . he is not used to seeing me animated ,i try to explain the biochemical thing to him , and i have info to back me up . but he lives in a world of his own and is very unaware of how he feels himself , he has had no psychotherapy , and could not even tell you how he feels .. he does absolutly no self examination or maybe the bare minimum .. he has no social life does not interact with his kids and plays a computer game 16 hours a day when he is not working .. this is normal to him , he never has any real fun and i hardly see him smile , he suffers from depression also .. he will deny this too , except that i point out every chance i get that this is not normal and take a look around will you ??
any way i have poured through pages of data and even though i do not understand every damn brain chemical of every medical term , i understand the gist of things very well .. i believe that some of us are born with a dopamine deficit opiate deficit , just like someone who responds to an ssri because they have a serotonin deficit or like effexor because they have a neuroepinephrine deficit . or it can be a combo of these two or maybe a combo of dopamine and serotonin , but dopamine is understudied in the pleasure principle factor because of the stigma of abuse and opiates also , the threw the baby out with the bath water ..And i know if they tried they can chemically alter the opiate like they did with bup SUBUTEX but i am encouraged to see the correlation of dopamine and the mesolimbic system studies about lack of motivation ..REWARD is a great motivator , but if you expierience none in normal life , in normal things , motivation is illusive and hard...so very hard to come by and i won't even mention interest .. i have much more to say but this is too long already , thanks for listening , laura
poster:LAURA777
thread:139418
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030204/msgs/139715.html