Posted by rayww on January 8, 2003, at 8:40:41
In reply to Mode stabilizers, posted by Kar on January 7, 2003, at 16:42:36
>> > No, it doesn't trigger a crash but magnifies my feelings of not belonging and not being myself. I'm usually social and talkative. When I feel lousy, it's a struggle just to make small talk. I've been trying really hard lately to keep myslef from canceling on people or making excuses (especially for social gathering-type things). It's sooo hard! Most of my good buddies and family understand if I need to cancel, but i don't *want* them to understand...I'm tired of everyone always having to excuse me, you know?
>That explains a lot of what i have felt too.
> Depending on the situation, I may put it off until i feel better. "Working my way through it" is never comfortable but it does give me a sense of pride for weathering it. As I said, it depends totally on the situation...
>
> Are you thinking of something in particular that you want to put off until you're in the good "mode" (I'm gonna use that!)?
>
No, I'm remembering the past- before I was diagnosed bipolar. And I'm comparing it to the present on EMPower, and also how I felt on Epival and Topomax.On mode stabelizers I only did what I had to for survival. Before diagnosis I lived my modes, and made hay in each one at the moment of sunshine. I played them very well, like a pianist at the piano, and accomplished a lot more than I do now on EmPower. No, I "thought" I was accomplishing more but actually I accomplished less in all the reality areas.
On EmPower I'm not sure if I'm lazy. I'm struggling to keep moving without waiting for the mode. I can create a plan and set a goal and move through it without pain, but when I sit back and wait for the mode to strike, I can sit for a long time. I survived a very busy Christmas, managed a loss in the middle of it, and kept on going.I decreased my dosage too low when the company changed the density of the pill a month ago. Now that I've upped it I'm seeing the light again.
But, my head still waits for the modes before my brain gives its approval to begin anything. If I can forget about the mode and just work with my plan, I do all right.
It's such a simple plan, and I feel good about myself when I do it. So, why can't/don't/won't I do it? Maybe my basic nature is to be lazy. Maybe I am addicted to the computer and would "rather" be here writing, as though it is a choice that cancells out responsibility.
Maybe today will be the break-through day, and I'm just being impatient with myself. Yes, I'll take that one.
poster:rayww
thread:134845
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030106/msgs/134935.html