Posted by Jerrympls on November 7, 2002, at 22:58:10
I'm only on a small dose of Lamicatal - I think I am taking 25mg twice daily. I noticed some werid irritability and "bad mood" when i started it. Then after a couple weeks I was to go up to 50mg twice daily. Well, I think Monday was when I started uping the dose - I took 50mg in the morning and went to work. At first I was really irritable. Then - for the rest of the day the psychological pain was almost to the point of unbearble. I could only think of killing myself to end the pain. I hated everything and everyone. I had to hide in the men's room at work to cry.
How long will it go on that pdocs prescribe me meds that consistantly do not work, only cause side effects, worsen my condition, kill my sex drive, kill my passion for music (among other things), make me stupid, irritable, unable to sleep, or sleep too much, increase anger, - etc etc etc.
Don't get me wrong - my current pdoc is great and he's the best I've ever had. But, nothing is making me better - after 11 years - nothing. ECT, experimental treatments, antipsychotics, combination treatments, talk-therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy......
No medication....lots of medication - it's consistantly the same thing.
Why don't they hear me when I tell them corticosteriods erase my depression within 3 days? Or that hydrocodone works well and has lkept me able to move to a new state and hold a job....why do they turn off their ears and hide their eyes??
I know that most of my past docs and my current doc have done or are doing the best they can with my frustrating case - and I am forever gratefull. But I can no longer think that a different SSRI plus a different antipsychotic will work when it didn't work the 1st-5th times.
I just can't imagine things getting any better anytime soon.
I no longer want all of life's pains, and none of life's pleasures.
Who shall I pray to? God? Been there -done that - and nothing. Should I join a cult? How about be cured by Dr. Phil? Maybe one of Oprah's books will cure my ills? Street drugs? nah. Hmm..what else? Become a vegetarian? Have all my fillings replaced? Sit in front of a light box? Keep a journal describing hell on earth everyday? Watch a funny movie? Supplements? L-tryptophan? Magnets on my head? Implant in my chest? Hormones? Hobbies? Set goals? Lose weight? Walk in front of a bus? Co2? Jump off a bridge? Write my parents a letter about how they ruined my childhood? Write myself a letter about how I've had no life for the past 11 years? Maybe watch the Ana Nicole show marathon? By the way - how come she gets unlimitied access to vicodin and she has no ailement? Perhaps I should not wear underwear to work tomorrow? Perhaps I should stop going to work? Stop calling friends? Stop answering my phone? Close the shades and hope life doesn't find me?
All of life's pains....none of life's pleasures.
To be....or not to be.
poster:Jerrympls
thread:126920
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20021101/msgs/126920.html