Posted by Mr Cushing on November 6, 2002, at 22:00:35
In reply to Re: I need help w/ diagnosis, posted by Krysti on November 6, 2002, at 20:22:42
Alright, I just had to post something after reading this. I've never seen anybody describe what I'm going through better than this.
"I guess the first thing I noticed was it seemed like my personality was changing. I would go through periods of time when I felt like I was on top of the world. I wanted to go out all the time, talk on the phone with anyone who would listen to me, felt like talking, talking, talking. Then, all of a sudden, I would go through a period of not wanting to do anything, not wanting to talk to anyone, life felt meaningless. I didn’t think I was depressed because inevitably I’d come back up again."
I was going through this during school sometimes on a weekly basis. I would be totally energized for about 4-5 days of which I would hit the books HARD, Hell, I'd teach the class myself in my spare time when I learned something that people were having problems with. Then eventually I'd crash and not want to do anything for like 3-4 days, just lie there, wondering what the Hell was going on with me. I found around this time that I'd really miss my Mom (who's been dead 8 years)and aslo a few exs here and there. I would just feel really lonely no matter who was around me. This would go away in a matter of days and I would be fully energized again.
"I didn’t have suicidal thoughts or anything, I just felt like if I died, I wouldn’t really care."I was just talking about this to a friend today. I remember telling him that I really wasn't scared of dying. That I could have it either way, like 50% of me wanted to live, 50% of me wanted to die. That's about as suicidal as I get.
"I always felt like I couldn’t shut my mind off"
I've said this myself on numerous occassions.
"I would also have trouble sleeping because I felt like I could never shut off my mind. When I did fall asleep, if I woke up in the middle of the night, my mind would just start racing again."
I went through this HELL for about a year... God, that was HORRIBLE, felt like I was cursed. Most nights because of this I wouldn't get anymore than 3 hours of sleep. This went on for 1 year straight... No matter whether I was in an "up" period or a "down" period, I just couldn't sleep. Could not shut my mind off, and to make matters worse, I was thinking about the silliest things...
Worried about whether or not I was going to be able to get up in the morning, you know, I only have 6 hours left to sleep.. damn, do I have clean clothes for tommorrow... do I??? K, let's go check, oh man, I do and now I only have 5 hours left... Zzzzz.. wake up, oh man, 2 hours left and fully awake.. hmm... This isn't good, not going to have enough sleep tonight... Hour and a half left to sleep, damn... Zzzzzz.. *Alarm clock goes off*
That was my cycle for 1 year... I hope I NEVER have to go back to that
"Another thing I noticed was I was having trouble thinking clearly"
K, I'm still sort of going through this. Most of my life I've been able to think VERY clearly. Most people think I have a photographic memory. If I learn something, I always know it. If I hear something, I always remember it. Now... I remember maybe 30-40% of what I'm supposed to have learned.
"Especially, when I would start dating someone. I totally relied on my friends to tell me how I should be. I had no idea who I was anymore. I felt like I was out of control. I had no idea what I was going to do and say. A lot of times I would say things that were totally inappropriate. Like one time one of my friend’s grandfather died and I asked him if he had fun at the funeral (?). "
Ok, I haven't dated anybody now in about 2 years. I gave up on that completely because I decided that it was just too hard for me to relate to somebody else. I never knew what to do around other people. Only like a few select friends did I eventually trust enough to even be around. It got to the point that if I got into a conversation with a good looking girl.. instant panic attack.
Also, I would find myself saying the RUDEST things possible. Honestly, I know about a dozen instances that I could bring up, but none of them I feel even comfortable posting without being banned from this message board.
"Then, I started having periods of euphoria. I’d feel like I was on drugs. One time at work, I walked outside and threw my hands up in the air and twirled around like Mary Poppins and said “Isn’t life wonderful!” This just wasn’t like me. I’d get so happy, I’d jump up and down and clap my hands. I think by this point, my boss did think I was on drugs."
Alright, this happened to me when I started to get stabilized on my first Effexor dose of 75mg per day. One day I walked into my house and my brother is like, "Mike, I thought you weren't going to smoke weed till you got stabilized on that new medication? And I'm like, "I haven't smoked anything today.. why do you ask?" So he's like "Because you have this enormous grin on your face, your eyes are like wide, like so happy they want to pop out of your head, and you look stoned".
"Sometimes, I’d get paranoid. Think every guy in the world wanted to get me into bed (I’m still not sure about that one – haha, just kidding). I remember telling my friend that one time and wow, did she think I was stuck on myself!"
I was just paranoid about everybody... Hell, I was scared to meet anybody new, and most of the people I used to know I simply didn't trust, and the scary part is, I still don't. New people scare the Hell out of me and it NEVER used to be like that. Some people that i used to know and I run into now, I just can't bring myself to talk to them. I usually just keep walking and feel horrible.
"I also understand what you were saying about the cleaning thing. I hate cleaning, but once I start, it all seems so overwhelming. There’s so much to clean!! I can’t just vacuum and dust like normal people, I start cleaning everything like crazy once I start. I just read the previous post where someone mentioned OCD. I've often wondered if I could have that somewhat too. I do tend to get obsessive about things (right now, being the bipolar disorder). "
I go through phases with everything. For example, right now I'm stuck in wrestling mode. I think i've watched over 200 hours of Japanese wrestling over the past 6 months. I mean, I enjoy the Hell out of these phases because eventually you know a LOT about everything. But yeah, I get these too.
"I would also get very irritable at times. "
K, I don't want to sound completely nuts here... but I've got a temper that I'm scared of. When I go off... I GO OFF!!! Most people don't make me lose it, I try HARD not to lose it, but if I do, things get ugly. I'm not a violent person but that's mostly because my friends/family are bigger than me and when I get like this, they can calm me down.
Anyways, Krysti, if you got through this, I need help babe. I sent you an email tonight to see what you thought so if you could read that and get back to me, that would be wonderful. I think I'm going to post something similar to that here now.
poster:Mr Cushing
thread:126705
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20021101/msgs/126747.html