Posted by Mr Cushing on November 4, 2002, at 17:24:23
Hey, I've been reading a bunch of your posts lately and it seems that we have the same dx. I'm about 99.9% sure that I'm Bi-Polar, while my Doctor definitely believes I'm Bi-Polar with a touch of OCD and a few other problems thrown into the mix.Let's just say that I've had a very troublesome life. Life has led me from one major dramatic episode to another major dramatic episode for the last 10 years. Most people that know me are pretty much shocked that I'm still alive and doing alright in life (except for at the moment)after going through what I've been through. Anyways, this made me incredibly depressed for something like 6 years. I was never suicidal (since I believe that that will only make things worse for me and everybody else in the long run) but I did believe that I was cursed and living in Hell. Cried myself to sleep every night, hated just about every waking moment, etc.
So I went on Celexa for about 2 years.. now while on Celexa my depression completely disappeared. I didn't notice it at the time though, but this was just pushing me into a manic episode.
So after I got off the Celexa (my own choice) I became excessively manic. All I cared about was school for 4 years. I went through a 6 year program in 3 1/2 years (taking as many courses as I could without taking a break for summer or anything), pulling straight A's, basically gave up on sleeping, ate maybe one small meal a day, and eventually got to the point where I would lose my temper in a heartbeat. Everybody just thought that I had turned into a loose cannon. It was only after I graduated from school that I noticed that something was really wrong with me. It felt like EVERYTHING was moving in like triple time. I couldn't sleep because I simply didn't believe that there was enough time in the day for it. I had absolutely NO patience, no matter how trivial or how large the matter was (like something that couldn't possibly be completed in one day) I was determined to get everything done as soon as the thought entered my mind.
So to make a long story a bit shorter, now I'm on Effexor XR 75mg a day. I tried the Paxil and just didn't like it. It turned me into a zombie, would just lie on the couch all day. I had absolutely no attention span. But Effexor I've been able to tolerate and has helped with my anxiety. However, it was also making me hypomanic. If I took 75mg a day I felt like I was basically on Extacy. Everybody thought I was just stoned out of my mind constantly. So just 2 weeks ago I added Depakote (Epival) to the mix. I'm currently taking 125mg per day of it. My Doctor wants me to increase my doses of both medications a little bit over the next few months so that I'm at a level where she thinks I'll be stable for a number of years. This scares me because I keep having visions of myself becoming this zonked out zombie on all these drugs I'm taking.
The whole reason that I'm writing you is that I want to hear from somebody positive that this will actually get better. I HATE popping pills everyday, but I'm taking it one day at a time and telling myself I need it to get better. I'm currently unemployed, living with my Dad (who's been wonderful), and am waiting till I start to feel like myself again before venturing out into the workforce. This in itself is hard for me since I want to use what I've spent the last 5 years learning to make me some major money.
Anyways, I just wanted to hear from somebody that's going through the same thing I'm going through and that is actually very positive about it. The whole fact that this thing is life long is scaring the Hell out of me. Like one side of my brain is telling me that I'm very close to being better, the other side is saying, nope, you're going to be like this for the rest of your life so get used to it.
*shrugs* I'll just shut up now... Some positive feedback would be greatly appreciated though
poster:Mr Cushing
thread:126436
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20021101/msgs/126436.html