Posted by Jefff on September 28, 2002, at 15:30:29
In reply to Re: Valium? Will it help me?, posted by viridis on September 28, 2002, at 13:16:55
First I just wanted to say thank you very much for responding to my questions. It was definitely helpful. Ive spent this whole day reading the archives (and have come across/read some of your posts too) and I really am starting to believe Klonopin is what I need for my severe anxiety. Yes, I do indeed have a horrible doctor (honestly, its not me, its him) and Ive had nothing but terrible experiences with them. I may have been a bit snippy with Dr. Bob (which IIl also address in a note to Arthur Gibson) but as I said Im ready to explode due to mental problems and Im very, very fed up with Dr's .
Why? Heres my whole story if you (or anyone) is interested:
After paying the $5 "donation" charge I recently wrote the the following letter to "Ask the Dr" (at http://www.medhelp.org/forums/MentalHealth/wwwboard.html) only to receive a pathetic (IMO) response from the Dr. (which will follow my letter)I wrote:
" Im 33 years old and I have suffered from depression and other mental problems for my entire life. From the time I could formulate thoughts I can remember nothing but being extremely depressed, feeling severe guilt, and the ever present severe anxiety and worry over what people were thinking of/ mocking/ridiculing me (and its all so much more complicated than that, but Im trying to be brief). My entire life has been destroyed and wasted due to my mental issues.
In 1995 I had to go on SSI, after supporting myself for three years as a gay escort, and since then I have literally been self imprisoned in the house I live in. I live in my (only) friend/ ex (only ever) lovers house, who Ive lived with for the past twelve years. I have no other friends, no family, no sex/intimacy, no car, no money... nothing. Ive gone from a 150lb guy with a 29 inch waste to a 250 lb repulsive, deformed creature with a 42 inch waste within the paste 6 years. I survive on $650/month from SSI... all of which I give to my friend and in return he allows me to live in his house, he buys my food and my pot (addiction), and basically acts as my parent. I literally only leave the house once a month, and only because I absolutely have to in order to go to the pharmacy, and then once every two months to see my shrink (my psychiatric Pez despencer)..
Yes, I have tried so many times to get help. Most recently I spent four and a half (wasted) years seeing my last therapist until she decided in 12/99 to leave the "guidance center" I was seeing her at in order to open up her own practice (which I didnt have the money or car to get to). I chose not to see another therapist as I dont trust any of them at this crap place I go to (they all seem/ look like they just rolled out of junior college yesterday) and I didnt see where I was going to get by rehashing my entire history and problems over and over and over again for another 4 1/2 years to another person.
I do currently see the psychiatrist at that guidance center who has prescribed me paxil (20mg) since 12/99, but it does nothing for me and the truth is I dont trust this idiot either. He laughed when I told him I wanted to kill myself, he patronizes me every time I see him ("Oh, you still workin on the house?" meanwhile I only mentioned my house renovation project to him ONE time that was about six or seven years ago and have since told him numerous times that its been finished), he gave me the paxil only because I saw the TV commercial and asked if I could have it, not because he actually put any thought whatsoever into it. Please believe me, he is in another world when I speak to him and I simply cannot trust him to conclude what I should be putting into my brain. The only reason I continue to see him is because Im afraid that Ill be thrown off of SSI if they find out that Im no longer under a doctors care.
With no money, no insurance (besides medicaid), no car, no family, no friends (the one I live with is too occupied by his crystal meth drug habit and sex habits to help me), no help and all of my mental issues I dont know how or if Im ever going to get out of this life. I really dont want to die, I desperately just want to know what its like to live and feel happiness, but I honestly see no hope in sight for me. Yes I have a plan and I really believe that I will kill myself someday when I can longer stand to live like this. I literally have no life or existence or purpose. I cant find the energy or motivation to even get out of the chair in front of the computer. All I do is sit alone all day and all night, until I wake up to start it all over again. I cant take it but I cant help myself.
Is there any advice you can give? How can I get help?
Thanks, Jeff"And Dr. Roger L. Gould's wonderful two cents (which cost $5) was this:
"You have hit bottom. Now it is to time to climb up. I am not sure where you can reach out since you seem so isolated and since you can't find good affordable psychotherapy. so it sounds like you are going to have to do it alone. You are going to have to decide to stop waiting for a helping hand.
You should start with your body..What you can do is lose weight and start exercising...even at home. Next, find a job and get out into the world. See a career couselor or go to a publically sponsored job training center. Get out of the house even if you have to crawl out. That's a start."...So hopefully you can see why I am bitter.
thanks for listening,
Jeff
poster:Jefff
thread:121204
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020922/msgs/121408.html