Posted by Mr. Scott on July 3, 2002, at 0:32:51
I have had problems with my mood and behavior my whole life, although I’ve managed to be successful independently. As a child I was the fire starter, early drinker, drug user, violent tempered vandal punk with the BB gun and fireworks. At the same time I also had and have serious anxiety issues if you can believe such a combination. I have a chronically bad mood that is irritable and anxious, although no one ever says anything and people downplay my complaints, in parts because I think it’s punctuated with a mild grandiosity and belief that I can do anything he/she can do. And often I find that I am as or more capable than others but have no ability to sustain it over time. I get bored, and sick and tired of bosses. I drink too much and use too many drugs. I am always anxious even on alcohol and sedatives. I felt relaxed taking 675mg of lithium and 500mg of Depakote with some Klonopin the other night, but then had a terribly unproductive day. I have seen doctors who said I was bipolar and other who said I had a neurological ADHD type disorder.
Today I’m mixed up and unstable (anxious or depressed or flighty or inattentive/dreamy and occasionally I get real enthusiastic mildly euphoric) and everything good that comes from me is generated by sheer will power. I am by definition EXTREMELY intense often very funny yet in terrible pain. Sometimes I’m scared to go outside and other times when drunk I’ll have no hesitation going into death-trap neighborhoods to get drugs (cocaine) which makes me paranoid as hell. I haven’t had any truly off the hook manic episodes where I talk gibberish or spend too much money or irritate the hell out of people, but clearly my mood is terribly unpredictable.
I pray to god for an answer as to what is wrong with me so I can pick a direction and go with it. When I take lithium and Depakote I say to myself “it’s just ADHD and an anxiety disorder with substance abuse.” When I take speed for ADHD I get irritable and depressed. Any reasonable amount of antidepressant makes me want to gnaw off my fingers in total agitation. I can only tolerate 37.5 mg of Effexor before I get agitated and anxious and uncomfortable.
I have yet another appointment coming up with an “expert,” but please let there be some angel out there who will convincingly say “listen buddy…I kind of had that and it sounds like you have this.” And maybe its an undisciplined life, or maybe is bipolar disorder with substance abuse and anxiety… I don’t care anymore. Just somebody please help me.
poster:Mr. Scott
thread:111259
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020628/msgs/111259.html