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All I want is to enjoy listening to music again...

Posted by Jerrympls on June 3, 2002, at 0:34:31

In reply to Re: All I want is to enjoy listening to music again..., posted by SassyMom33 on June 2, 2002, at 23:28:24

So, I have been thinking about this and here is some insight into my sound problem.

I've never really used music as an escape - not in the sense of "God I feel so terrible I can't wait to drown out the world with my headphones" kind of escape. I guess you could say I used it as something to get me through the day--especially in jr. high and high school - and it was classical music. I would get excited just thinking about a new record (yes, I am 30 and they still had records back then) to listen to when I got home. I never really attached music to having a bad day or negative feelings, ever that I can recall. I still to this day cannot study or concentrate on a project while music is playing. I also used music as something to look forward to when it was time for bed. It's interesting now that I think about it - but many times I would listen to fast and furious romantically loud an flourishing cello concertos or the like while in bed and then fall right to sleep when they ended - or before sometimes. But it was alwways fun to pick music to listen to each night. This was before the depression struck.

Now that I think about it, when my depression hit me the first time about 10 years ago, it was probably the first time I listened to music to try and escape from terrible feelings of lonliness and dread. But, it didn't become habit and my love for listening for music didn't disintigrate over night.

I have noticed that stimulants (dexedrine, adderall) can punch it back in for a couple weeks however, for some reason the music ultimately ends up becoming an annoyance. Ritalin always made the music feel so wonderful - almost normal feelings - but then my intellect - or whatever - would kick in and say "This is the Ritalin - in 2 hours you'll be depressed again." How horrible a life.

IN the past couple years I have noticed that the worst thing to do is to force myself to listen to music because it makes a powerful imprint. For example, if for th past week I have been having terrible feelings of lonliness, dread, anxiety and fatigue and I force myself at the same time to listen to some new pop tunes and/or a piano concerto for the week every day - when I come back in a couple months - or a year and listen to that piece - it's as if my mind plays back the exact feelings I had been experiencing during that time -it's like walking into your childhood bedroom and remmebering the terrible nightmares you had.....

If you ask me - and I've said this before - I think it has to do with my reward/pleasure centers. I feel no gratification or satisfaction or much pleasure for anything for that matter and I think when one listens to music the beginning, middle and end results are (in no order) satisfaction/gratification/pleasure. So, if my dopamine is not in balance ,etc and I'm not getting musch pleasure from things - sex, completing projects, intimacy, love - then attempting to achieve gratification or solace from Tchaikovsky is a dead end.

And that frustrates me to no end.

I guess this "symptom" of depression is as a "shot-in-the-dark" treatable as all the rest. But, this one is so important to me.What to do.

Sorry for the long post.

Jerry


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poster:Jerrympls thread:108122
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020602/msgs/108506.html