Posted by adamie on May 30, 2002, at 12:36:52
i got severe depression (not sadness), anxiety, and mind torture. inability to enjoy things, little interest in things, severe inability to think and concentrate. for example i used to be amazingly good at basic math now even so much as 6+26 would take me a bit to answer. and i would be unsure of the answer. it's like my brain is damaged. 32 is answer... took me at least 8 seconds to be completely sure. the mind torture is the biggest problem. when it comes around it has different severities. when it's mild or not there i still have the huge depression and anxiety. but at least then it's not too painful to be alive. actually sometimes it is not painful to be alive! and instead i am just left with passing the time since i have severe inability to enjoy things. but when the mind torture comes around and is beyond mild it can make every single minute painful to be alive. so not only would i have severe depression and anxiety but so much mental pain that i think most anyone else would be dead by now if they had it. i been stubborn in staying alive though. i really want to live. i just want living to NOT BE PAINFUL.i dunno why but my condition changed about 4 days ago. I would be quite tired often and have some daytime sleepiness. this was for a few months. and i could sleep easily! even though i'd wake up 5 times a night. but some changes began to happen. i was on various different meds at this time. changing them around due to not being able to tolerate and other reasons. sleeping would no longer cause me to have dreams. i use to have dream filled sleep. but i started to have none of that or just very little. and then one day i suddenly got hit with severe insomnia and this has been going on for 4 days now! how can it go from being easy to sleep to being so damn hard? some of these 4 days i got almost no sleep at all. yesterday i took tylenol pm, 1 pill didn't do much, took a second, 100mg total. first dose of the tylenol pm i started to see these shapes and lines all moving around. i mean while my eyes were closed in bed. in the darkness i would see many lines moving around but mostly shapes and swirly lines. dunno if that means anything. this distraction passed and it was just the normal darkness of closed eyes. it was still extremely hard to sleep but finally i did get some sleep. i dunno how many hours but much more sleep than the last days where i got almost none. anyway in the morning... i was feeling like pure hell when recently i been feeling best in the mornings. by best i mean the least mind torture. this morning was different. I was all shaking, and so unmotivated to do anything, so much mental pain. everything was so hard! turning on the computer was hard. reaching for the fork to eat a brownie which grandma brought me was hard, i would just stare off, being all shakey and in so much mental pain. i felt like this in bed too. it was like i just couldn't sleep anymore. bed was hell compared to not being too bad last night.
i am currently 3 days on paxil 20mg, it worked a little before so that is why i started taking it again after so many med failures. the insomnia started 1 day before paxil.
anyone know why my condition changed? going from being tired often to being hardly ever tired and unable to get much sleep?
anyway it is 1:14pm now. the complete hell period started to get me suicidal again, i was thinking of being hospitalized possibly again but i dont want to go there! the only positive would be is being around people like me and the doc would see me every day but aside from that there is almost no way to distract myself there. how would i pass the time... if my illness were less severe like the last time i was hospitalized i would be better able to not get completely sick of staying there. it was a time when i had NO MIND TORTURE. instead just severe depression. but it wasn't painful to be alive!! then it turned painful to be alive later on.
i want all this dirty pain to go away. I can live severely depressed but the mind torture just is just so horrendous at times.
the meds i stayed on longest was zyprexa and risperdal. they were the best meds for me. i didn't want to settle for severe depression though. i wanted to be better. so i was put on something else and no more zyprexa. celexa progressivly made me more suicidal. and some other meds were tried. and then i went on risperdal. i dunno how but after just a few doses of risperdal i was feeling better. i was more motivated, little mind torture, i was actually doing some very minor programming for a certain game where you can make your own levels. anyway i was not suicidal for a very long time while on risperdal along with ativan and some immovane. i was playing games and keeping myself busy. at first the risperdal had quite the effect. and i felt actually okay for a few days then it just got worse but it stayed consistent. i didn't have the huge SWINGS which i do now every single day. i felt bleh and huge depression but at least i was playing games and such. then as time went by it started to make evenings feel like hell. i had so much anxiety in the evenings (the time when i took the risperdal dose). i would be scared to do anything. should i open that website... too scary. and it was like my motivation just went out the window. so 2 hours or so before going to bed would be hell. but at least i could sleep. anyway the hellish period turned longer. and i just didn't want to settle for this and it seemed to be getting worse and worse but hard to remember. i was on it for 2 months or more. anyway i tried more meds and had problems.
anyway does anyone know why many meds have effects on me even after just a few doses? when i started vivarint a few days in i was much more sexual and suddenly i had sexual powers. i would go on an online chat program and spend most my time roleplaying and cybering. although not motivated to do much else. anyway later on i was feeling worse on it. and i dont think i can take it anyway since it's leaving the market or whatever is happening.
anyway those 2 anti psychotics seemed to be the best meds i tried. i forgot much of how paxil made me feel. i guess we will see. i sure dont know what effect it is having at the moment. the days are hell currently.
anyway 45 minutes or so after waking up i was no longer in complete hell, and less shaking. these mood swings suck. i was feeling so hopeless in the morning. i was thinking of telling the few people i know that if i am gone it is because i am dead. but i didn't do that yet. hopefully i never will.
can someone give offer me some treatment suggestions?
also what other AP should i try? preferably the most safe ones.
also is it safe to take risperdal along with paxil and ativan? my ativan is very small dose. total of 1.5mg each day. i dunno if it is doing anything. but when i ran out on time i felt suicidal suddenly the day after or after that.
i dunno what it is but something in these AD's effects me very badly. or something in all these meds. could it be that i simply am intolerant of all these 'chemicals'? my illness was caused by chemicals... dirty accutane medication. so maybe my brain now protects against any such chemicals? i dunno what the hell is going on but most meds i try make me worse.
poster:adamie
thread:108054
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020525/msgs/108054.html