Posted by BarbaraCat on May 14, 2002, at 16:43:56
In reply to Re: Remeron increase - Day 3 Zoooom! » Iago Camboa, posted by Bob on May 14, 2002, at 13:34:24
Hi folks, and thanks for all your encouragement and good words. Today, not so good. One of our cats, our littlest 8 month old got hurt last night, torn up and bleeding. Probably another animal. I can be philosophical and realistic about it -- cats going outdoors are vulnerable, it's part of life, at least he survived and will mend, he probably instigated it anyway. But it really affected me, seeing such an innocent joy-filled little spark of life whom I love so much suffering and in pain. This formerly little bouncing happy critter barely able to walk, wariness and fear instead of that pure delight and trust in a kitten's (or child's) eyes.
It brought back so forcefully what I try to defend myself against, which is the sadness and fear in this world, this existence that is so hard to bear sometimes. The fear that anything I open my heart up to will be ripped away, and it drives home that old hypervigilence and mistrust. It brings back memories of my own difficult and dangerous childhood with a very disturbed father and how innocence is so often betrayed. So I didn't get much sleep, had dreams where all life and goodness was in threat, and woke up feeling zonked out, tired and depressed.
I'm just trying to be with sad feelings that are just as prevalent today, for everyone it seems, as they were for a sad little girl of many years past. Even though I consider myself a survivor and very strong and resourceful, there are things that really hit hard and bring me way down. Those things trigger a fear that the Universe is ultimately a dangerous and unfriendly place, under the control of a mad Diety and then I get scared and don't recognize peace or goodwill anymore.
This has to be healed in a way that drugs can only support. I don't want real and valid grief to be ignored and masked, but I'm counting on my meds to keep it contained and not let it go spiralling out of control into despair. So maybe better news tomorrow. It always gets better, but you never quite trust that advice when darkness is all that seems real. - Barbara
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:105920
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020510/msgs/106384.html