Posted by JohnL on September 29, 2001, at 7:31:14
In reply to Not that I'm complaining, but..., posted by Adam on September 27, 2001, at 21:10:33
Hi Adam,
I think that it's great you are remaining stable and well. I guess everyone might have a different opinion, but I think that as long as you are doing well without meds then fine. If you find yourself deteriorating in the future though, you will know it before it gets out of hand. You could then reconsider medication again. But as long as that is not the situation, just go on enjoying your days without any medication. I think that's great. Just my opinion though. You know the old saying "don't fix it if it aint broke". Or maybe, "don't rock the boat". :-)
John> A while ago, I quit selegiline cold turkey because I needed to get some tests for an as-of-yet undiagnosed medical condition. Well, I should qualify that: I don't agree with one doctor's diagnosis, at least at this juncture, and have been persistant about exploring the physiological rather than the psychological aspects of my symptoms. I still don't have results back from the tests, so I still don't know what's going on.
>
> Having said all that, here's the thing: I'm fine. Really, I am. That fact is as weird to me as it may be to some of you who have suffered from depression for years.
>
> I don't feel sick, and, as far as I can tell, I'm not depressed. I'm happy. To tell you the truth, I feel great. I'm sleeping. I'm exercising (I swim a mile ever other day, and hope to push up the distance and the frequency soon). I don't feel as nervous. I pop a couple 100mg gapapentin caps if I want to make sure I get to sleep, but since I began swimming in earnest, I'm usually tired enough when I hit the hay to fall asleep without "medical assistance".
>
> I've been off of selegiline for almost a month and a half now. Its antidepressant effects should have worn off a long time ago. Whatever is maintaining a euthymic state right now, it's not selegiline.
>
> But don't think I've let my guard down. I'm pretty sure I am what psychiatrists call "atypical". I'm wondering quite seriously if I'm a bit like a trapeze artist working without a net at the moment: As long as I don't fall, I'm OK. But should I fall, things could get ugly. I don't want to end up in the hospital again.
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> As I survey my past, one thing is clear: I don't take rejection well. Granted, I've developed a considerably thicker skin over the years, but I'd need battleship armor to defend my emotions against the dreaded romantic breakup. Those kinds of things were what usually set me in a tailspin. The facts of my life right now are: I'm gainfully employed, financially independant, have a few good friends I can count on, and I'm in a good, stable relationship. The latter may be the key. I don't like looking at things in such a cynical way; after all, I certainly don't think I exploit relationships for the purpose of fighting depression, as I have the same basic desire for companionship that everyone else does. But for all practical purposes, I have to wonder if love is my antidepressant all the same. If this is true, I'm not sure if that's a good thing. It leaves me awfully vulnerable.
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> I guess right now I'm just wondering what the best course of action is: Get back on meds prophylactically, or stay off them and hope I don't tank. There's always the "kindling" theory of depression, too, that says things can build over time to a full-blown episode. That might mean, off of meds, that my days left before relapse are numbered, and it is a slow, downward spiral to that point.
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> It doesn't feel that way, though. Fear itself could be more of a problem than the potential risks that cause the fear. And, quite frankly, not being on selegiline hasn't been bad at all. I think those amphetamine metabolites were starting to take a real toll on me, especially the chronic insomnia. I just wasn't sleeping enough, and I have to wonder if my system was just exhausted. I have not had any severe "attacks" of the kind I described in the past for well over two weeks, despite doing some pretty strenuous exercise. I'm calmer, as I mentioned before. I don't seem to be as prone to obsession as I was. OCD-related problems were always that little itch I couldn't quite scratch on selegiline, and that seems to have relented to an extent.
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> What can I say: I feel good, but by no means did I know that I would at all. Is taking a go at a med-free life at all prudent given my history? To be honest, I just don't know.
poster:JohnL
thread:79766
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010927/msgs/79884.html