Posted by Wendy B. on June 28, 2001, at 13:38:50
In reply to Anyone out there UNable to work (or do much)??, posted by Janelle on June 24, 2001, at 15:30:52
> My depression and anxiety are so bad that I'm unable to work and basically lost a wonderful job opportunity. I'm feeling very "alone" in this, in being at like 10% (if that much) of capacity. For awhile, I didn't feel like and couldn't do ANYTHING. Has anyone out there been this way, barely able to function? Just curious (misery loves company, or should I say NEEDS company). Thanks!
Janelle,
Thank you for starting such a great topic. I
also have gained much by reading the others'
posts, it helps a lot.
I am the low end of BP II disorder, have maybe
found the right drugs, for a while (wellbutrin
and neurontin), but as someone said, I keep
waiting for the other shoe to drop, knowing
others have had these drugs stop working
for them after a while.
I was fired from my full-time, crazy-making
job last August, which is a long story, but
I would go in and have anxiety attacks and
worsened depression because of my boss.
She thought I couldn't do my job any more,
which was only partly right... once the
stresses and the pressures got to a certain
point (we were understaffed and had too much
to accomplish), I just hit my maximum. I
couldn't "do more with less," as management
like to call understaffing/overworking,
whatever the hell... So I told them the truth,
we can't function in my unit this way, and the boss
just did the management prerogative bullshit,
and eventually had me fired. A situation that was
really not my fault, but the fault of an insane
workplace, not an insane worker (me). I have only
just recently come to this conclusion, blaming
myself and feeling horrible about *not having a
job* ("sorry Mom if I'm not living up to your
expectations of me"). It's all part of the
depression, I'm a failure, I can't "play well
with others," I was going to be a famous actor, or
write the great american novel, or be a human-
rights lawyer working on impostant cases, blah,
blah, blah... I thought I'd failed, and became
even more depressed. Thank god for therapy and
little blue and big white pills...
Anyway -
Have since held some cash-only, under the table
jobs. Then I started substitute teaching
in the local public schools this past spring.
I was amazed that I could do it, frankly.
First day was middle school (11 to 14-yr olds,
a terrible age!), vocal music. I actually got
them to sing out loud, some of them!
A lot of us on the BBoard say we are like
"actors" for our friends and family,
because we don't want them to know how bad
we are really feeling. The sub teaching was pure
acting, every day a different group of kids,
a different age level, and like I said, it was
a shock to me that I could do it!
The other thing that was great about it, and
something could be gleaned from this: I didn't
have to be responsible for the day to day
worries of curriculum planning, get over-involved
with the students, the way I would if I taught
full-time. This was the beauty of it. I just went
in, did my acting stuff, took care of the child-
ren well, made them do a little work, brought them
candy once in a while, and totally loved it. I told
someone it suited my multiple personality disorder
(which I don't have, like I said, I'm BP II). But
it was fun, and paid pretty well, too.
All this is a long-winded way of saying part-time
is beautiful for some of us. Something that we
don't have to get too emotionally involved with.
Just go in, do your thing, come home, and not have
to worry about it, because that's someone else's
job. Let them get the burnout...
I realize some of us can't even get off the couch,
or out of bed, I was that way for a few months
during a major depressive episode last January &
February, plus the meds were wrong (Effexor, hated
it). So don't misunderstand my posting, I know
exactly how it feels to not want to do *anything*
and not want to go anywhere, and watch as the days
and weeks and months go by... it truly sucks...
With much affection to you all,
Wendy
poster:Wendy B.
thread:67693
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010625/msgs/68256.html