Posted by loosmrbls on March 26, 2001, at 12:21:31
Hello to all:
This is my first post on this forum. I want to relate my history and get some feedback from other people as to what they think.
About two years ago, in March of 1999, I began to feel very wierd. My main symptom was feeling flat/empty, or incapable of feeling emotions. I remember driving in Hawaii and thinking "that scenery is beautiful" but not feeling the associated emotional response. I also had a loss of energy, increased sleep, increased appetite, inability to concentrate. I tried self-medicating myself for a while, but with no luck (as you can imagine) I finally went to my doctor, who started me on Prozac. It went horribly -- headaches, feeling even more flat, didn't work at all after several weeks. So I was sent to a psychiatrist.
To make a long story short, I was tried on several antidepressants (and combinations of them) -- including Paxil, Wellbutrin, Effexor. The last two (which affect norepinephrine/dopamine) initially would make me feel good with increased energy for about a week and then either stop or make me feel WORSE -- agitation, irritibility, profuse sweating with anger. I would try all different doses but nothing would work.
In October 2000, I moved and saw a new psychiatrist. At this time, I was having a lot of insomnia, agitation, and anxiety. So much so that we thought I may have GAD with dysthymia versus "anxious depression." I was started on celexa and buspar. What a horrible combination!! I got very vegetative and felt horrible. We decided to stop the buspar and go to celexa 40mg -- again an initial good response, and then back to zero. We then decided on celexa 20mg with a small dose of Klonopin. I got so bad -- severe insomnia, agitation, clouded thinking, and finally into a suicidal plan that scared me so much I went to the ER and was promptly hospitalized. I was like minutes away from swallowing the bottle of Klonopin with a healthy dose of alcohol.
In the hospital I was started on lithium. WOW! For the first time, I began to feel good. I was on 600mg. I then "overcompensated" and became euphoric, energetic, flight of thoughts, etc.....unfortunately this was quickly replaced by the "drugged" feeling of too much lithium as they increased the dose to 900mg. When they went back down, the euphoria was replaced with feeling pretty normal.
Although the depression seems gone, I still have some feelings of agitation and anger, sometimes unable to stop thinking about hostile/violent fantasies of getting revenge. Not against specific people I know, just fantasies of being "done wrong"{ and getting revenge, and feeling agitated. I've had these in the past, but they used to be all the time -- now they seem to "turn on" with the flick of a switch and go away just as fast.
I have been reading a lot about bipolar II and think I may indeed be bipolar. But could these also just be symptoms of untreated depression?
I would love to hear what you all have to think.
poster:loosmrbls
thread:57584
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010319/msgs/57584.html