Posted by sweetmarie on March 24, 2001, at 18:23:36
In reply to Re: treatment resistant depre, [LONG] » sweetmarie, posted by dove on March 24, 2001, at 15:26:18
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> How long have you been trying medications? Has this combination improved your life significantly (i.e. are you able to function/see friends/go out etc? That`s all I`m asking of a medication really. The rest I can tackle myself (relationships, work, whatever).
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> I spent much of my childhood and teen-age years self-medicating, except for a stint on Tegretol (AED). I wasn't even prescribed the Tegretol for a mood-disorder but for my fainting/blackout episodes, labeling them seizures. I told doctors that I had depression, and they told me I needed more sunshine (which, looking back, was partially true), and I needed to eat better, needed to gain some weight (wish I had that problem still ;-) needed more vitamin C, more exercise, ect... I also had blinding migraines, still do; however, I now use preventative meds. And it was through my search for migraine relief (and making sure I wasn't having little strokes because I would "faint" or black-out before they came on) that I tried my first med that opened my eyes to an entirely new world that I had only dreamt of.
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> I was prescribed Verapamil, a calcium-channel blocker used for heart-disease and treating migraines. It was like an OD on beautiful shiny reality, and I was flying. When they felt it was effecting the way my heart beats and causing me to gain weight they moved me to Amitriptyline. The Ami does quell my migraines but I fell into a deep depression after the Verapamil was removed. I kept telling my Internal Medicine Doc, and my other non-specialist doc's that I was depressed and had lost that feeling of being "normal". They all said it would take some time to feel the effects of Amitriptyline and that it was "after-all" an antidepressant!
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> But I've never been that stable again, nor has the world been that beautiful, alive and real again. I finally received a referral and the permission to see a psych-doc, who dxed me with (in order of importance by his criteria): ADHD, OCD, GAD, Panic Disorder, PTSD, and Rapid Cycling Bi-polar, and I may have forgotten a few. Over time, with different doc's and different dxes, multiple therapists and multiple med trials, I've come to the point where the meds are kind of like a life-preserver in a raging sea, and I have to do some legwork myself to push that life-preserver back to safety. I also know that some meds try to drown me, while others keep me afloat; and that it's really hard to distinguish between the two when you're taking multiple meds.
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> I have lost contact with all but my very best friend, who lives so far away that we rarely see each other but do talk on the phone every other month or so. I have been bound to the house for some time now, well over five years really. That is, until quite recently. A combination of events and med additions within the last 3-4 months have given me a little more strength, still not what my husband wants to see, but a major step for me.
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> The primary med that started a slow change and some improvement is Neurontin, and then the addition of Klonopin, and then the addition of low-dose Prozac.
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> The primary events are my Mom being dxed with Lymphoma and Thyroid cancer, missing my best friend's (who lives far away) marriage this past December and subsequently her Dad being dxed with Leukemia and throat cancer, my childhood and beloved Minister's sudden death at the age of 46, my Aunt's attempted suicide (resulting in hospitalization, ECT, and subsequent recovery); then my eldest son's Grandpa being dxed with cancer in the form of an inoperative and terminal brain tumor (who has a mere three weeks left even though there were no symptoms until last week.), and his Great Grandpa being dxed with Alzheimer's.
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> So, I still don't want to go outside, or anywhere else, but I do feel more alive. I believe I'm still in the detached-unreality part of real comprehension of the losses. I cried and cried after learning of all and each illness and death, then I became settled enough to speak about these events without falling apart, but deep down there's a lot of fear. I've been writing at P-Babble for over three (1998?) years now, and my presence has been sporadic for the last year or so. I fear writing because all these things and more are wrapped around each other in my heart, soul and mind; and I can't seem to open up without everything surfacing and baring just a little too much flesh, and I then feel vulnerable and overwhelmed resulting in withdrawal once again.
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> So, after my longgggg sob-story, I think there are meds that can help anyone and everyone at least a little, but it can be a tough journey finding them. Are you struggling with major (double?) depression and one of the anxiety/panic disorders (i.e. agoraphobia)? There are some extremely wise and intelligent, as well as beautiful and kind, people on this board; who share their med/chemical knowledge freely. Sometimes the meds that are "suppose to do the job" don't, and ones that aren't suppose to do the job do indeed do the job.
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> I'd also be afraid of being in-patient, I was almost committed against my will in December 1999 and I totally freaked. However, if there really wasn't anything but darkness inside of me, and I was really near the end of no turning back, and I had a family whom I loved and who loved me; I would probably check myself in. Remember, there are different strategies and different "experts" all over the world, and though you may feel *this* expert is your last hope, it isn't! I promise you it isn't.
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> My latest p-doc (also honored with the title "expert") has me taking Adderall, Serzone, Neurontin, Klonopin, Prozac, and Amitriptyline. The combo becomes a little complicated when trying to take 6-8 Neurontin Caplets, 4 Adderall tabs, 4 Serzone Tabs, 3 Klonopin miniature tabs, ect... but the combo is having some beneficial effect, a might bit slow, but better than no!
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> Don't lose hope, that is probably one of the most important things you need to hold onto, even though it's probably the hardest; after-all, isn't depression all about losing hope. My prayers, thoughts, and hope are with you. I may not post all that often, but I still read, and my eyes and ears will be vigilantly with you on your journey.
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> dove
Dear dove,Thank you for sharing all that - you have certainly `been through it` big-time. What are the chances of all those terrible things happening? You`ve certainly been very unlucky (and so have all the people you mention, of course). You`ve shown a lot of strength. I think that is where others (non sufferers) are wrong. I`m referring to those who believe that depression is a weakness, and something that results from too much self-indulgence. Why would we put ourselves through this hell?? We are very very strong people to be able to keep fighting. It`s easy to forget that. I woudn`t wish depression on anyone, but I would like the people who `dis` the illness as some kind of self pity to just spend a couple of days going through it. That would soon change their minds.
I`m sorry that you have lost friends because of you illness; I haven`t lost any of my important friends, although I haven`t seen them for ages (7 years in a couple of cases). The fact that they remain my friends is of constant astonishment to me, considering the input thay receive from me (practically none). I guess I`m lucky. I have, however, broken up with boyfriends as a direct result of my illness, which is hard to take. I know now that I can`t even entertain the idea of another one until such a time as I am well enough to. Like you, I very rarely leave my flat (and haven`t done for the past 3 years more or less). Just feel too ill, and the constant pretence to others that I`m O.K. is a nightmare which leaves me absolutely exhausted.
You have been diagnosed with a lot of things. Which one? Or don`t they know exactly? Or do you actually have all these conditions? I guess I`m `lucky` that I only suffer from severe depression. I imagine that is easier to treat (albeit very difficult in my case). When I say `lucky`, I mean the complete opposite in terms of suffering, but you see what I mean (I hope!).
I don`t know where you live, but in the UK there are only 2 clinics that deal in `treatment resistant depression`. The one I`m going to has been referred to as a `centre of excellence`, and the Pressor is known to be one of the best in this field. I have to wait and see, I guess. I suppose that he has up to the minute info on anti-depressant medications, and even when I leave the hospital he will be advising my regular psychiatrist (that is unless he gets it right whilst I`m an in-patient. I`m hoping he does).
Thanks again for your support and prayers, they are very much appreciated.
Love,
Anna.
poster:sweetmarie
thread:55847
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010319/msgs/57429.html