Posted by morningstar on March 8, 2001, at 19:53:10
In reply to Re: Type A or bipolar???, posted by Elaine on January 22, 2000, at 23:39:49
> Today I discuss with my couselor that I maybe Bi-Polar. Because of the things I disclosed with my her. She feels that we need to explore it. I am not sure why I am writing this other than-shock. Right now, I am very teary eyed and tired. Depress cannot even describe it. I have battled these feelings for years. Looking back and seeing it on paper. I am just empty, other than feelings of panic and shouting NO(denial) I am on a new anti-depressant (my medical doctor put me on before I started counseling - Serzone 400 mg a day)that is helping-slightly. At first when she(the counselor) suggested it(Bi-polar). I wanted to run away and hide. Then I asked my husband one queston. Am hyper at times? YES, then you get crazy. I asked how? Kidding right? You get all moody, you'll want to take off and travel, buy things we don't need, clean until 3 a.m. or so, run around like there is a fire and that is a few things in the last six years I have notice. When I asked why he had not said anything before, he said I did not want to hear about it later. (Meaning I yell at him, because I am angry at nothing, but he gets it) I have stop throwing things, simply because I have to clean it up later. (I have done some very impulsive things, sometimes good ones in the end, like at 32 join the army national guard at 34 go back to school rec'd my BS. Others not so good 4 marries, only one that was a courthsip longer than 4 yrs. Most were 30 days, lasting 4 yrs and out the door, divorced, and the guy is scrathing their heads trying to understand what happen) I am hard on relationships, My husband has his bad points, but it does not help because I have yelled at this man in grocery store over nothing- Asking him what he wants to eat for supper, and I yell at him because it was not chicken. I have always talked so fast that my grandfather and dad started calling me "Dutchy" because it was so fast. I use to joke about it, because I could make money on TV like the man in the commericals. Instead I got sent to speech therapy to slow me down(it only made me more aware that everyone else cannot talk that fast or understand that fast). I would come up with the stuipd fanties about myself. Which I am now ashamed of. I am in recovery for chemical abuse, mostly alcohol, nearly six years. I think I was having a crisis then, dropped the kids off and ran to rehab, to rest ( has having thought of hurting myself and I did not want to die)Back then (1994). There have been times when I have changed everything about me. From my hair color, my weight, how I dress,(from country, to leathers to business attire.) NUTS! It was not normal, looking back now I understand my family joked about that. They use to say, wait a few mintues she'll have a new man, and new hair style. For the last 3 weeks. It is all I can do to get to work, I cannot keep up with the daily duties, the same very ones that I would have done and then help everyone else with last year. Now it seems so over whelming. Even my coworkers have noticed. One mentioned that I was so hyper at work that she thought I was using speed, now I look so tired and sad...
I am sorry I need to unload. I apologize my rambling is difficult to read. My mind races so much, it wears me out. The sad part--is I have a BS in psychology, and I could not see the forest for the trees.
poster:morningstar
thread:940
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010302/msgs/55960.html