Posted by jacquie on January 21, 2001, at 12:30:47
In reply to Re: BPD, ADD, Anxiety Depression...HELP » jacquie, posted by mars on January 21, 2001, at 9:03:18
Mary,
thank you so much for your letter. I am very lucky to get such a quick and thoughtful response. Thank you.
This board has been so wonderful and Ihave met some simply great people who have helped me. I must add you
to the list. The hug is very necessary. I have shared this with the
board and with my sister who is a social worker. It
truly confuses me and makes me feel so weird. Hell, I
already felt that way to begin with!It is very hard to understand the many labels we give
eachother and I started out confused. I did read recently
that BPD generally stems from a traumatic event in ones
life and I have a real fear of going that far back.
I rarely discuss what is really going on in my head
and my feelings because of fear. I don't want to hear
more about how bad a person I am. The labels make
it worse for me.I don't have anyone that close who could even possibly understand.
My fear is that the people who are close would reject me, so i
keep silent and it is torment to be in your head, well
I mean my head! My reactions to situations are almost
infantile as if I never grew out of certain situations
and my responses are dated. I keep having to move along and
bypass what needs to be dealt with because I live on such an edge.
Day to day living is enough of a struggle.I tried lithium years ago and could not take it. Was a horrible
experience for me. I have tried SSRIs and Wellbutrin and
trazadone. Nothing had worked. Clonopin just puts me at rest
and helps me forget for awhile, at least while I sleep.
I chrinically ruminate and obsess and then anger set in.
It is an ugly cycle. I wanted to understand these responses more
so I did the research lastnight. I thought this cannot all be due
to depression, so I wrote my old therapist adn asked her if
she ever thought I was BPD and ADD. She emailed back that
six years ago this was her initial diagnosis. I wondered
why she never told me and now I await a response from
her. Perhaps she felt I was not in an emotional state
to handle it. I don't know.I have no therapist right now (major financial issues)
and I like my shrink, but he is $300 per hour and I have
no insurance. I am a gardener by trade so my funding
is severly limited. Working in the earth helps me, but
my work is very "loner type" and this is not good, but
I struggle to have healthy relationships with people because
of my emotional state which fluctuates alot. It is
a living hell most of the time.I intend to do as much research as I can and emailed the
APA to see if they would give me a referral. I know
my shrink is very capable and Iwould really like to talk
to him and spill my guts, but I can't afford him.
Constantly reading helps, but human interaction would
prove useful even more so.I am in a bit of a state of shock. My sister is concerned
about all these different diagnosis and thinks it is
suspect. I think I have not been completely upfront
with the therapists out of my own fears and this is
why the extremes in diagnosis.Thank you for evrything, mary . please keep communicating
if you can. It does help. And I hope you pull through your
tough times also. I am scared and the hospital is
not an option because of money and more fear.I feel like I am out to sea just swimming out there
by myself with no raft, but waiting for one. I have felt this
way my whole life and it is worse now.I am going to look into all of your suggestions. thank you.
Be well,
JacquieHey there Jacquie ~
>
> Well, you and I have a lot in common :)
>
> I am hypersensitive to meds, too. My pdoc hasn't diagnosed me with BPD per se, because (as she has explained it) the psychiatrist she's most influenced by, Dr. Hagop Akiskal, feels that a lot of people diagnosed with borderline personality disorder are actually better understood as part of the bipolar spectrum - that is, they will more likely respond to medications used to treat bipolars. (Perhaps some of the more knowledgeable babblers can chime in with some more accurate info about Dr. Akiskal and BPD than mine.) However, whenever I read about the experiences of those with BPD I have a real sense of recognition.
>
> I know that when these diagnoses began to accumulate I felt overwhelmed by the information I needed to learn, and damn was I scared. I wish psycho-babble had been around then. The other thing that was difficult for me to come to terms with is that what works for one person won't necessarily work for another. Thankfully, my pdoc keeps up with current research and is insightful in tinkering with my meds.
>
> What has helped:
>
> Being diagnosed as bipolar II has helped. Lithium has helped. Synthroid (thyroid medication as an augmentation) has helped. I'm on Neurontin now, that seem to be helping. Learning the basics about my disorders and the medications for them has helped. Trying to stay in touch with my sense of humor is really important. I love music and movies and books. I'm fortunate to have a long-term friend who has been through thick and thin with me (and I with her). I have been hospitalized, twice: those were, for me, not beneficial experiences. However, hospitalization can be a really helpful option.
>
> There is a form of cognitive therapy developed by Dr. Marcia (sp?) Linehan at the University of Washington called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT, which is supposed to be very effective with BPD. I'd like to check that out. There are DBT practioners now all over the world.
>
> I have ADD too: ritalin helped, but I had to stop it because of insomnia. I've learned some tricks to help myself - there's LOTS of info about ADD on the internet - try going to a directory like http://www.yahoo.com to start. That's a good place to start looking for BPD information as well.
>
> I've had high anxiety but since I started lithium it's gotten better, and I've learned better how to calm myself and manage some of the self-talk. Breathing exercises have helped, too.
>
> I know how discouraging the avalanche of diagnoses can be. Don't give up. They don't have to be prison sentences ~ instead, they can be keys to help you find your way to feeling better. There's help here and elsewhere on the internet. Perhaps you can keep a notepad and start writing down the basics. Use the search engine for Psycho-Babble and look at previous posts. Take plenty of breaks and drink lots of fluids! I'm not one of the more knowledgeable folks here, and I'm pretty new, but I just wanted to give you something to start with.
>
> I know that f**k-up feeling. Self-loathing won't help us get better. More than anything, try to extend some sympathy and compassion towards yourself. I can easily forget to do that, especially since my family pretty much echoed those thoughts, but when I'm at my best I calm my wounded psyche by accepting it and being supportive of myself. (I think of it as gently patting or stroking a sore spot so that the swelling goes down.) And I think you will find some great resources to help you hold up the sky.
>
> The main thing for me is that I feel I have a psychiatrist who's good with medications. She and I have our differences, but she's always given me papers to read and has (usually) listened to how I respond to new meds and is open to things I'm interested in trying.
>
> Do you like your psychiatrist? Do you do therapy with your psychiatrist, or are you working with separate professionals?
>
> Best wishes. Let me know how you are doing. I'll be around :) And if it doesn't sound too dorky, have a hug ((((Jacquie))))
>
> mary
>
> p.s. Writing all this has been helpful to me. If I get too down I forget how much I can do to help myself and see myself through the difficult periods. I hope this helps you, too.
>
> > Well, having done a little researchand a little emailing to
> > my therapist, I was just informed that her initial notes
> > on me indicated possible borderline personality disorder.
> > She said she would not be surprised if I also had ADD.
> > I have very high anxiety and super low depressions.
> > The only anti depressant that even remotely worked
> > was Celexa,but I have hyper sensitivity to most drugs, so had to het off them
> > I now just take 1 1/2 of 0.5 clonopin to help me sleep.
> > THe real problem is I feel like a real f-up, hopeless,
> > now that all this stuff has been added to the pre-existing
> > label of "depression" What do i do? What is treatment when
> > you can barely take meds because your body can't tolerate
> > it. Do they hospitalize people BPD??? I know nothing
> > about BPD and ADD. Advice sure would be critical if
> > anyone out there has a bit to share. I am definately a lost
> > pup...what about these new drugs like adrafinil for BPD?? What is going to happen to me??
> >
> > Do they work?
> >
> > Thanks.
> > Jacquie
poster:jacquie
thread:52142
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010111/msgs/52154.html