Posted by JennyR on June 9, 2000, at 21:46:46
In reply to Re: Procrastination and Cleanliness, posted by Jennifer on June 3, 2000, at 5:35:55
Here's what's in my notes from the workshop I attended a few months back called "Letting Go of Perfectionism."
The leader is a therapist specializing in psychodrama who said she herself is a perfectionist and a procrastinator. She said it bugged her that the handouts weren't collated right.
Here are the points she made:
- Perfectionists are not people who line up their shoes all in a row. It has to do with what you expect of yourself and others. You are hard on yourself.
- Perfectionism is not something ingrained from the start. It's something we learn to become.
- Many perfectionists are procrastinators because you put something off if you can't do it perfectly.
- You may be too demanding of others, applying your unrealistic expectations to them as well.
- You may be very forgiving of others, excusing them in ways you wouldn't excuse yourself - like you must be on time but it's okay if they're late.
- You should strive for excellence rather than perfection.
- "Gray" is hard - perfectionists see things very black and white.
- You have to listen to your gut, not your head - you know when you're pushing yourself too hard, pushing the limits - when your stomach is in knots.
(like re-doing something so many times even when it's good, but it's never quite good enough for you).
- She tells her therapy clients "you're talking from your neck up" meaning ignoring their feelings.
- Perfectionists feel disappointed a lot - they never meet their impossible standards.
- People come to expect perfection from you - like the radishes will be cut into perfect little roses on the food.
- Letting go is hard for perfectionists.
- She uses psychodrama because she feels it gets to the gut.
- We all get used to our pain. We don't realize it doesn't have to be there.
- Before bed make a gratitude list of what you did that you liked. Or list 10 each of what you like and don't like about yourself.
- "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
- Two kinds of parents produce perfectionists.
First kind - If you're a kid and come home and say "Mommy, Mommy, I got a B+ and an 2 "A's on my tests. And the parent says "B+, why couldn't you get all "A"s?" Or you came in 3rd at the swim meet and the parent is disappointed in you.
Second kind - you come home and say "Mommy, Mommy, I got 3 "A's" and the parent, without even looking up from the newspaper says "that's nice dear." They are indifferent and you are forever trying to get their approval.
- We are kind to children. We wouldn't be harsh and stern to them. So we have to re-parent ourselves, treat ourselves as we would a child.
- Perfectionists tend to feel shame.I hope this is helpful.
poster:JennyR
thread:34476
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000603/msgs/36771.html