Posted by brian on May 31, 2000, at 23:40:45
In reply to I am having a life-ache...can you relate? (long) , posted by me-but-not-me on May 31, 2000, at 20:48:13
> Hello fellow babblers…
>
> I guess I just need a little commiseration or something...I know I am not alone but somehow my brain will not believe me. I just can't live like this anymore.
>
> I am a woman, early 30's, have posted here in the past. I have mostly been 'ghosting' the board for the past few months, but I do read the topics here and appreciate you all.
>
> *sigh*... Okay. I am on several different meds to treat my depression and anxiety. I am actually hypo-manic at times, and it gets worse as I get older, but I am still not on a mood stabilizer. I am lucky that I have no side effects from the meds (none! can you believe that?!) and they keep me from killing myself and being totally misanthropic, but I still can't seem to DO anything. They seem to just barely keep my head above water, and I do mean just barely. I still spend every waking hour that I don't have to be at work (and some that I should!) lying flat in bed, unable to move from the weight of my thoughts.
>
> I am 'coasting' at a job that I don't like (and that does not use my talents or challenge me in any way) because they are good enough not to fire me when I just can't bear to get out of bed and come to work. I am down to 20 hours a week and still can't seem to get 'with it'. I can't even bear the thought of looking for real employment.
>
> And here is the reason that I need to post here anonymously: I am too ashamed to talk to anyone about this. I live in total squalor. And I hate it. No, this is not just messy ... it's disgusting. I don't know why but about 8 months ago I stopped 'being able' to take out my trash. I don't have to go through it or anything, I just cannot make myself drag it up the two floors in my building and take it out. I have mounds of mostly-empty cat food cans (you can imagine the stench), empty food containers, and anything else you can think of. My toilet is hopelessly clogged, and I can't call the manager to help because I am sure I would be evicted. I can't even tell you how I have been going to the bathroom at home. My shower curtain fell down about 7 months ago and I just shower (when I do shower) without it, which I think is rotting the floor. Even my bed is stacked with empty pizza boxes and mail that I just can't bear to open. I can't even sleep there. My entire apartment smells like a dump, it makes me sick to go in there. I have a fruit fly infestation. I feel so guilty because I have 3 pets and I can hardly clean up after them, they deserve better than me but I love them so much and I don't have anyone else to be close to, so I can't get rid of them. I just can't clean anything. It makes no sense and I HATE how filthy my apartment is but I feel like I am crawling through wet cement just to get out of bed, let alone actually clean the overwhleming mess that has become my apartment. I don't have many friends (oooh, big surprise there!), and certainly none I could ask to help me dig out of this mess. No family either - the ones I still talk to (and even the ones I don't) live 3,000 miles away. I moved here to get away from them (yes, abuse stories out the kazoo, yadda yadda yadda. I'll spare you.)
>
> And this is how I am when I am fully compliant on meds! I shudder to think what I will be like when I can no longer afford them - my insurance is ending and I have hoarded enough meds to last me 6 months by telling my rather inept doc that I take much more than I actually do. I can't afford therapy on a regular basis. I feel like such a hopeless basket-case! I have gained so much weight on these meds, and I know lots of you know how that is. That does NOTHING for my self-esteem and further hinders me in trying to get out of the house. I used to teach aerobics a few years back, and now I am growing out of my 'fat' clothes. What a vicious and pathetic cycle…
>
> I am quite sorry this was so long a post, but -- I can't talk to anyone else. I don't know what to do. What DOES a person do in this situation? I am already on so many meds, and my doctor is little more than a prescription pad. He is absolutely no help. And I won't have insurance after this month anyway. I can't afford therapy now with how few hours I am working. I feel like I can't see any solutions and I am sinking further into the pit…
>
> Thank you for reading my whiny, long-winded note. Please, if you have any ideas… if you have been there and have been able to get out of it, PLEASE give me some hope! I can't take this much longer. I don't mean suicide. I just really don't have anyone, and I feel so alone. I can't stand having my life be like this, and I want to change, dammit! But I have no idea how.
>
> * sigh *…I have a favor to ask of you. Set a time tomorrow to get one thing done that will make you happy. Just one thing. Maybe you'll just collect the empty cat food tins and place them in a bag. Or, maybe you'll bring a bag or two of trash out. Then, get back on this message board and let me know how you feel.
Just make this one thing, whatever it is, your sole goal for tomorrow. You can do it.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Brian
poster:brian
thread:35441
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000526/msgs/35456.html