Posted by medlib on May 29, 2000, at 13:05:22
In reply to Re: Procrastination as Disease - or rebellion?, posted by CarolAnn on May 26, 2000, at 8:43:43
Mark et al--
Procrastination is my defining personal characteristic; a lifetime of practice has honed it into the very essence of my dysfunction. Typically, I have even procrastinated on posting about procrastination!
I have recognized truth in every post on this thread; it's fascinating that we each approach procrastination differently. Maybe it should be viewed as a syndrome--one set of behaviors, with similar results, which can be triggered by many different causes.
For me, it is very, very difficult to begin what I cannot finish.
As a child, I learned very early that my parents viewed their role as "helping" me to improve upon whatever I did. My mother used to relate with a kind of baffled pride that, as a toddler, I was too "stubborn" to talk; she knew I could, because she often overheard me practicing speaking in my room. She never saw the sadness in that. Whatever I accomplished or became *always* led to expectations of more, or better. When I was successful in skipping the first grade, it was not accepted as "enough." They immediately began looking for evidence that I "needed" to skip another grade--so I skipped the fourth grade as well. Academically, it was just as successful; socially, it was a complete disaster.
Naturally, it occurred to me that projects which were never completed successfully could not serve as launching pads for more projects. Similarly, there could be no pressure to finish what had not yet been started. Eventually, I learned to protect myself with procrastination; the potential failure embedded in every success could be avoided by simply postponing success.
I need not ever be truly impoverished if I avoid paying the bills. I need not risk failure in a professional job if I never quite graduate. (Once, I completed a degree program and never filed for the diploma.)
To me, "potential" is a four-letter word; it robs my present of its rewards. Ultimately, if "I am" is not sufficient, "I will be" can have no reality. I buried my mother eighteen months ago; I allowed her to bury me much earlier.
Medlib--in mourning for both of us.
poster:medlib
thread:34476
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000526/msgs/35104.html