Posted by Noa on May 24, 2000, at 18:48:59
In reply to P.S.: Kathie, posted by Tina1 on May 24, 2000, at 18:00:16
Hi, welcome back.
My apartment is mostly the same or worse, except the bathroom. I have been taking baths of late, so I cleaned up in there, and have been enjoying myself. I have been doing better, I think thanks to med changes--increased thyroid meds, no lithium, lower effexor, higher serzone. I am sleeping decently, and in fact have to budget more time for sleep--at least 8 hours, if not 9. That's ok. It is so much better than the disjointed sleep I had before. I don't think my current med cocktail is "perfect" and feel I am in a medication "holding pattern", but as long as I feel stable for a while, I am not planning any changes. If I need a change, the next trial will be substituting adderal for ritalin.
My mood is better. I am more productive at work. I am feeling hopeful, god help me! The anxiety about feeling better is lurking, but not intruding as it has done before. I am trying to take everything one day at a time, one moment at a time, trying to avoid thinking too much about whether this improvement will "hold" or not, etc. Sometimes, when I realize I feel better, and am able to do my job or enjoy something with friends, I stop and notice it and get this "pinch me, am I dreaming?" feeling. It is hard to reconcile this with the depths I was in just a short few weeks ago. Part of my healing is about reconciling these extremely disparate experiences of myself. To not disown that other part of myself when I am here, and equally, to be able to hold onto this part of me when I am there. So, every once in a while, I say to myself, "this feels better now. I am so relieved to be here in this better place. But it will be ok if I have a relapse into depression again. It does not have to mean that this better place is lost." The less I disown that awful despondent state I get into when depressed, the better able I think I will be able to be to experience that without losing all hope, and perhaps I can learn to ride those waves better and not have them spiral downward so intensely. I can't tell if I am explaining this clearly. Does anyone relate to this?
poster:Noa
thread:34511
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000517/msgs/34539.html