Posted by juniper on May 20, 2000, at 12:32:57
In reply to Bad Night, posted by NikkiT on May 20, 2000, at 5:51:28
i think in the book undercurrents, martha manning described the self-hate muzac that just seems to play as a backdrop all day in her head. since you say you've perhaps 70 years or so of life, you sound like you are young. i don't know how to stop the bad thoughts, but i do know that i went through them for quite a while, and somehow i'm sitting here feeling quite all right with who i am and my direction now. but this has not been a eureka! moment, it happened, to borrow another literary reference of elizabeth wurtzle in prozac nation who was actually quoting hemingway, gradually then suddenly. i did the therapies, the hospitals, the drugs and drugs and drugs, but i think the main way i climbed out of this depression (though i still straddle the line with OCD, ADD, and other initials) is to really forget about all those things i grew up with--the expectations of sorts of family and society--and follow my heart, which led me to travel a bit, and to work for outward bound, and ultimately to go to graduate school for social work (where i am headed in a week or so). i'm not going to make a lot of money, and i'm not going to be high in society, and i couldn't care less. i know that this little babble means nothing as i am me and you are you and the way you are feeling doesn't leave a lot of room for hope. all i know is that i have been there, and i hated it, and i am actually surprised i made it through...but i did. and i've worked with many young people who are in the same place and i want to somehow transfer this assuredness and hope into their brains just so they can see that sometimes, it all works out. (i am 23 and 7 years ago i was a scary 70 pounds, miserable, scared, depressed in every sense of the word...i never thought that in 7 years i'd be where i am.)
are you close to your family? i kept, and keep, many things from mine, as the times i've let a little seep i feel i've ended up more consoling them than them consoling me. but i have been able to say, choosing my words carefully, that i am unable to do such and such because i am not in a space to do it, or that i have a specific need (of solitude, of time etc) because i know it would be best for me with the way i am feeling. your mother sounds much like my father (a strong, practical man), who throughout my anorexic period had an air of "just eat" about him. have you thought of writing a letter to your parents, where you can carefully choose your words and how much you want to reveal, while asking them for help or other needs you may have? if your mother is a strong woman....don't you think she could handle this? remember, you are the one suffering, not them. protect yourself first. do you have a therapist? or a friend whom you can talk to about your feelings? just sending them into cyberspace is a chancy way to deal with them.
really, how can you expect to help yourself when you are feeling as bad as you do...reach out, maybe just a little at a time--test the waters.
as for going out with friends....i am amazed that i have kept any at all...going out can seem like such a chore and i am always afraid of ending up in a situation where i am at a party or other social function trying vainly to engage in small talk while feeling like utter shit, and feeling trapped. but i have found that if i pick my outings wisely (i don't like large crowds, small talk, meat-market type atmospheres) i can have an enjoyable night which gives me faith that there are still things that i can enjoy.that's a lot of babble, and little answer. but you are not alone, and you've so much time in which things can change (i truely base most of my change simply on getting older...hormones and such reconforming in my body). you may be able to speed up a change by reaching out to someone you trust......
sending "good" night vibes------
juniper--------what medication(s) are you on? have you tried others? have you been diagnosed with depression? anything else?
poster:juniper
thread:34103
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000517/msgs/34127.html