Posted by Noa on May 15, 2000, at 17:57:31
In reply to Re: MoMMY DEARTEST, posted by Greg on May 15, 2000, at 7:54:21
> Kelly,
> Wow. That is so cool. I am glad you found such an appropriate card, too.I often find myself searching for a card that isn't too mushy, which would not be genuine for me, not sarcastically humorous, either, etc. What I have always noticed is how many people seem to be standing there having a hard time finding the right card. It is so complex.
Interestingly, this year, I was in the drugstore on both Thursday and Friday, and noticed the folks choosing the Mothers' Day cards, but had a sort of dissociated experience when I saw them. Since I was in the store for something unrelated to Mothers Day cards, when I walked by them, I remember thinking "oh, yeah, the reason so many people are at the card section is because of Mother's Day." But somehow the Mother's Day part didn't sink in and fully register with me. I mean, I knew it was coming up real soon, but somehow I had this feeling it didn't affect me. You see, there are many holidays when I see people choosing cards and the holiday doesn't affect me. I am aware at those times of the holiday, but feel apart from it, not in a bad way, just enjoying taking note of my fellow citizens' celebrating their holidays, but feeling "exempt" in a way. So, that is how I felt when I saw people buying cards for Mother's Day, kind of relating to it as though it were "their" holiday and not mine.
Oops! So I wake up Sunday morning and realize it is Mothers Day and I haven't sent a card and then I remember this whole wierd way of relating to it on Thursday and Friday. I think (sorry, bob, gonna get psychodynamic on ya here), it was more than a silly little space-out thing. I think it is probably significant that I felt myself somehow "exempt" from Mothers Day obligations. Is it a wish? An avoidance of the conflicting/ambivalent feelings I have toward my mother? Perhaps at this point it is best described as feeling awkward because at the moment, my mother is being quite kind to me of late, and I have been quite honest with her about my condition. This is so new, and while I am incredibly grateful to her, this detente is rather new. Even with the detente, it is unlikely that I will allow myself to truly be vulnerable to her. I really don't expect her to be reliably supportive in an emotional way. She is supportive in her way, helping out financially, offering advice, passing on info she comes across, etc. In other words, while things between us are positive, it isn't like we are going to be "close". And I guess in a way, I have forgiven her, but know her limitations, too. For many years our relationship has been friendly but superficial. Before that there was a great deal of bitterness on both our parts. Growing up, our relationship was difficult. She was rather unpredictable. Sometimes kind and funny, often verbally cruel. In retrospect, I see a mood disorder, perhaps in part due to a thyroid condition, which finally became acute when she was around 50. In large part, probably due to traumas her family experienced that nobody ever talks about (a brother killed by a truck when my mother was an infant; grandfather's loss of family members in the holocaust, and his subsequent depression and self-medication with alcohol).
Anyway, I went out and bought a card yesterday, and will send it out in the morning. A bit late, oh well. Late with the paperwork is pretty consistent with my overall functioning.
poster:Noa
thread:33448
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000508/msgs/33515.html