Posted by tina on May 9, 2000, at 16:39:18
Hi everyone--just me here. Why is it that on the day that I see my doc I feel good and positive but the days in between suck? I'm having a very down day today but I don't know why? No precipitating events cause my depression/anxiety, it just starts. Whenever I have a good few months or year even, I can always depend on the depression/anxiety to ruin my life. I really had a great '99, did i screw with my karma in a past life? Do we all deserve this, I don't think so. I feel so bad that I'm dragging my husband down and everyone else in my family. When they see me so up and fun-loving they expect that behavior all the time but I can't do it and they get disappointed. I hate being a disappointment and hurting others, that's why most of my rage episodes are directed inward, at myself. I think I need to be punished for the disappointment and pain that brings others down but they don't give it so I give it to myself. Hitting brick walls(since highschool--no cartilege left in my right hand), cutting myself with blunt edged objects just to have the pain linger for a few days. I want to blame it all on my up-bringing and the things that happened in my childhood but I've seen others who have had worse childhoods than mine that are doing fine and are functioning, well-adjusted members of society. Why am I so weak? I just can't deal with this LIFE. Anything that others would consider normal everyday stresses turn me into a stark raving lunatic. I do want to get better, I want to live this life to the fullest and be happy. I just don't think it's in the cards sometimes. No, I'm not suicidal, I just feel so damned hopeless today. I keep asking myself Why don't I just suck it up and charge my way through it like I see other people do but I am afraid all the time. Afraid of what I can't say, success, failure? That's the frustrating part. If I could just know WHY then I feel that I could FIX it. Don't mean to bring you guys down too I just wanted to rant to people I KNEW would understand. Thanks for listening.
Tina
poster:tina
thread:32910
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000508/msgs/32910.html