Posted by Mark H. on April 26, 2000, at 19:41:14
In reply to On Line Support, posted by Danielle on April 26, 2000, at 10:25:42
Hi Danielle,
I got exhausted just reading your list! Could it be that you're doing too much? As a dh myself, I did "moderately" OK with our last move, but when Christmas came and the house flooded during a freak storm, it was WAY over my ability to cope, and it took me about two years to recover.
Getting hit with disabling depression is not really much different than breaking a leg, except in the way that people treat you. If your husband was in a body cast, you probably wouldn't expect him to get up and drive the kids to practice, to help with the meals, or to assist with making funeral arrangements. But what he's got is just as disabling, but since it doesn't show physically, all of your hard work and frustration and need for help (all valid and important, by the way) just reinforces his sense of worthlessness. Been there -- it's not fun not being able to get off the couch for months at a time.
If your husband had been in a severe car crash instead, how would you arrange the family activities? Would you ask the kids to cut back on baseball, perhaps even cutting it out altogether for a year or two? Would you expect the kids to help more with the house and with dad? Would you ask your family, your doctor, your insurance company, your church, your friends, your neighbors and other resources for help? This is really no different. You're in a terrible bind, and you need real help. DO NOT expect it to come from your husband, who is seriously ill.
There are a lot of "normal" things I don't get to do because of my illness, and my wife has had to make plenty of adjustments as well. I really disliked what having a housekeeper come in a couple of times a month said about me as a person, but that was just part of my "depression-thinking." If I had children, I would feel horribly guilty about asking them to give up their outside activities to help with the work of life, but what you're facing is effectively an emergency. Do you think your kids would resent having to help out if your house burned to the ground? They need to understand and not be protected from having accurate information about your husband's illness.
Depression responds well to a steady routine and little change, in addition to medication and psychotherapy, and frequently gets worse when things are hectic. The more you can help to bring stability and routine to your daily lives, and the more help you can accept from others, the sooner your husband will be ready to re-join you as an active and productive partner in your life.
In the meantime, take exquisitely good care of yourself whenever you can -- you're a treasure!
Best wishes,
Mark H.
poster:Mark H.
thread:31332
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000420/msgs/31389.html