Posted by Diane on April 13, 2000, at 22:30:01
I've been "depressed" most of my life. Actually, it's a secret I have managed to keep well hidden from families and friends. In fact, I've been in deep denial of it, up until recently. For months, I have been feeling "worse"... I could manage to hide my "unhappiness" or my "emptiness" ... until I couldn't hide from it anymore. School and work became my sole obsessions and my way of being busy so I didn't have to deal with the "pain".
The notion of "fun" was--and has been most of my life--a foreign concept. It was always about "taking care of others", never taking care of "me".
Then, it all fell apart and I was crumbling inside and it was starting to show on the outside. Suddenly what became my "escapes" were becoming "dungeons" in their own right. Waking up became a burden, it hurt to face work, school, friends, family...it suddenly became about hiding my feelings and pretending to show a smile and that "all was well" when it wasn't. Somehow, though, I managed, to fool the world. What I didn't realize is that I couldn't fool myself. It got to the point where I was eating too much, not because I was hungry but because I was sad, angry, and depressed. I was becoming more and more insecure, and more irritable, angry, and very very saddened. It got to the point where I questioned life and my purpose in it.
My goals, dreams, and desires fell apart--not suddenly--but through a process of many disappointments, traumas, and heartaches through the years.In early March I saw my doctor for my annual physical. She asked how I had been doing. I couldn't do it. I couldn't face her and lie, not again. I broke down in tears and told her, "not well at all". I told her about months of insomnia, depression, anxiety, stress, and irritability. She was concerned...after a long talk we decided on a course of action to get "my life back together". Medication (Celexa, of course) was recommended as was psychotherapy. I have been on Celelxa for 5 weeks...I have slowly and surely seen the results. I sleep better than before, I only eat when I'm hungry (I've actually lost a few pounds), and the tension, irritability and depression are slowly going away. I have been seeing a LICSW for 5 weeks. Together we are working on "solving the demons" and working on resolving so many of my inner conflicts. I didn't realize how many I actually had...until I really started to talk about them. Many things hurt to talk about but that is the first step in healing. There are many wounds that have yet to heal. The first step--I have learned--is learning to love myself and take care of me. I have neglected my "needs" for 24 years. Slowly and surely, as the weeks, months, and years go on, I hope to be the person I can only dream and imagine being. The person who has existed until now but truly never really "lived". To feel alive is a dream, one I intend on making a reality. Eventually, I will heal my pain, my disappointments, my heartaches. I will learn to express myself--the thoughts and feelings I have spent years hiding. Celexa, for now, is PART of the healing process, however, it is NOT the answer. I urge that none of you see it as THE answer, but as part of the therapy involved in the process of healing.
May you all be well.
Di
poster:Diane
thread:29924
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000411/msgs/29924.html