Posted by bob on March 26, 2000, at 15:18:29
In reply to The Tunnel, posted by harry b. on March 25, 2000, at 1:24:47
> I'm beginning to feel as though a part of me does not
> want to get well. That maybe I feel comfortable where I am,
> that maybe the real me IS a lazy, ignorant, zoned out slug.
>
> I know for certain that I do not see the light at the end
> of the tunnel. The tunnel is dark, it goes on forever, with
> countless twists and turns. It's a very familiar place.
> I don't know if I can leave it. I'm afraid of the light that
> would mark it's end.
>
> Anyone felt like this before?Pardon me for saying so, but I think folks are missing the point behind these last few statements.
Harry, my goal in life is to hit the Lotto big so I can move to Greenwich Village and be one of those people who never seem to be doing anything at all (a lot of those here in NYC) ... just turn into a complete slug. That's the ticket! What you're talking about reminds me a lot of Janice's "Is this depression?" thread ... about wanting to stay in bed, warm and snuggly all day and on. Your vision of this is quite a bit darker, but it's got the same "what's familiar is what's comfortable" ring to it. It's like some hallucinogenic quicksand, sucking you down and you're loving every minute of it.
You know the Who song "The Real Me"? That's what life on meds has been for me. After my second or third or fourth personality shift, I had to question whether there really was a "real me" at all. Now, after five or six more shifts, I realize that all of them have been expressions of different facets of me.
So yeah, the "lazy ignorant zoned out slug" is you, but it's not all of you by far. Besides, there's a bit of "lazy ignorant zoned out slug" in all of us -- you don't have that market cornered. Maybe you need to wallow in being a slug for a few more weeks or days or hours, but don't start planning your future by it.
The light at the end of the tunnel is going to mean opportunities and, therefore, risks. Go ahead and be a slug right now, but start planning for hitting the light. Even if it's just baby steps right now, get yourself pointed in a direction you'd like to head once you get out of the Tunnel and start getting whatever resources you can in place to help once you get there.
If you can start doing this, maybe the light won't be so frightening.
cheers,
bob
poster:bob
thread:28105
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000321/msgs/28197.html