Posted by phillybob on March 2, 2000, at 12:08:49
Thus far, I just wanted to thank everyone who has posted (and especially Noa who has taken my little ribbing in the proper tongue in cheek way). This information is very helpful and has alleviated some of my fears.
I have yet to begin Parnate though I am finished with my "wash out" period (after my last forays with Prozac and Wellbutrin combined). It had been hell (almost as worse as ever but not as prolonged).
Sometime two days ago, however, I turned the corner and opened up into the field of our dreams.
While the pdoc is more inclined to think the "switch" being turned on is classic bi-polar, I am more hopeful right now in believing it to be a true paridigmatic shift, based upon certain realizations that I have come to about the block of time (approximately 15 years) that I had thus far been atypically depressed (though again symptoms of dysthymia and cyclothymia seemed to present at various times).
I plan on continuing the discussion thread of that realization with either my pdoc or the therapist who had referred me to him about 3 years ago.
Having been depressed for so long and the effects that it has had on my life will, no matter what, still keep me interested in visiting this board as this is the most helpful site that I have found in my cyber travels ... which means everyone who visits here (whether they post or not) is really doing a most wonderful thing (for not just themselves but others) and should be happy to even be here (well, as much as that's possible :) ). Again, thank you all.
While I am feeling better, though, I am not (as many of you can attest of yourselves in this situation) inclined to start medication again. If this new mind frame does not sustain, then my illness had been primarily biological (a.k.a. not under my control at all), and I will be ready to begin with Parnate next. If my illness was primarily due to environmental factors causing the blister of genetic predisposition to pop open, then hopefully the talking therapy will help me sustain the realization to which I have arrived. (most likely, though, it may not be so black and white and truly be a combination of both which will probably necessitate a bit of both cures).
The point is, for all this time, I just wanted something to ease the pain and help me live again(which various meds at various times showed glimmers of doing). It is often referred to here as "the magic bullet," and yes, that is what I sought.
For me, maybe it is best that nothing worked. Yes, it has been hell and I would certainly urge medication in all cases for all people who feel the pain of depression, but I truly am hoping that I personally fall into the category of those whose environmental factors opened up the can of physiology that is depression.
Never would I say that what goes for me, goes for all. In fact, I strongly believe that it is not possible for everyone whose situation is even similar to mine can get through the muck of being in the illness without proper help (which in all cases can certainly include meds). Furthermore, many are not even in situations similar to the one that I hope is mine and legitimately have something amiss with their systems which even the best environmental factors consistently through life could not negate.
In a nutshell, the realization that I have come to is that my internal landscape of more or less continued sadness had sprung from a cynical and jaded teenager who was mad at the world (for various and often valid environmental reasons). I, for one, never "did myself in" due to always hoping for some panacea (which would be college, religion, girlfriends, boyfriends, exercise, lifestyles, jobs and/or job "success," etc., and, finally and simultaneously, medication) which never, I see now, could be my cure.
It really helps for me to view my depression as the act of myself at 15 years old. The puss of the festering blister opened then has permeated my life. My obsessions to feel better have been to focus, or obsess even, on one of the panaceas mentioned above ... which has ultimately been, for me, an obsession with my depression.
I've just decided to take responsibility for my life, and I look forward to it. I can not do it alone and I will not rely upon family and friends who are biased and they, unlike a good professional, lack the tools in helping me address not only the underlying environmental causes of my depression but also the havoc that my depression has wreaked upon my life and the practical plans of sustaining my life (a.k.a. not going down again).
You must know that three days ago, everything that I am saying here did NOT apply. I could not see past the depression that I was in. For me, this realization just happened ... with the help of "end of the rope" medication thoughts and "discontinuation" of meds (a truly psychotic term for withdrawal, doctors! :) ). From this, a deeper depression resulted whose outlook was entirely bleak (of course) and holding out hope for the next drug, an MAOI (which I did think had the best chance of working based upon everything that my pdoc said and that I read here and in Dr. Bob's tips as well as Dr. Ivan's writings).
One additional important input to the coming to this realization was the tough love of one who actually loved the me (the "ANTI"-15 year old rebel) that had shown through on occasions. I am fortunate that I have (or had :( ) such a person and that she did so (and will also need the further help of my therapist if she continues her path of justifiably leaving me for the majority of times when I was not that me that she had loved; she needs to live herself, I recognize).
This is my story (for now), and I offer it as a helpful one, not a hurtful one. (I am not naive enough to throw away the possibility of a need to return to meds.) If any of you respond to this, I also hope that it will be constructive and not disparaging.
I am sure that there are some of you out there who can affirm the feelings that I have and may have experienced that this attitude can not be sustained, but I must go in that direction for myself (thus, the quasi-tribute, quasi-mock to dj in the subject line which, for those of you not in my generation, also happens to be a refrain from some disco-type tunes years back).
I will leave you (not permanently, Noa, and no I'm not on my deathbed looking DOWN at you, thank you :) ) with one of my favorite quotes. It is from Zora (not Noa) Neale Hurston's "Their Eyes Were Watching God":
"Honey! Ya gotta go there ... to know there."
poster:phillybob
thread:25482
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000302/msgs/25482.html