Posted by Amanda S on February 3, 2000, at 20:45:44
In reply to Re: balancing on the edge, posted by Tom W on February 3, 2000, at 16:04:29
I knew there was something different in me when I took prozac in 1990 and had extreme highs , euphorias,but I liked it. Never had any down times taking prozac and in the beginning found it hard to cry. A friend of mine took it also,but it did not give her the highs. Jan. 1999,I was falling apart after my mothers death. Having bi-polar disorder you cannot focus on one thing without thinking about a million other things at the same time, I call it a cluttered mind. The chaos in your brAIN overwhelms you to a point so far you can't enjoy everyday life because you obcess over crap that most people don't think about like death. I guess that's why so many artists commit suicide. I don't ever feel that waybecause I have a spiritual life and believe that I will see Christ and then my loved ones in heaven,so I think God would be very disappointed in me if I did a crazy thing like suicide. I just find medications that help me deal with it. Some people have more extremes than others. Ups and downs. My husband has minor ups and downs, but mine are more extreme. My mother use to say to me when I was a young girl,"You are so moody".
I've always felt different. It is hard for me to make friends who are not like me, these people are very comfortable with themselves and confident. I believe this disorder is genetic, but many events in my life could have made it worse. My therapist knew when I was manic once when I came to see her, I knew too. I also can get agitated mania (there is a name for it,just can't think of it). You get very angry and high at the same time. I take lamictal and it has taken those moods away,although I still get some depression. I can't imagine what you are going through living with a tragic experience in your life like you went through. It will always be in the back of your mind. You certainately can't change the past but you can ask God ( if you believe in him) to take the burden of this memory away from you. I have asked him for this many times and it was something I really wanted to go away because I live with guilt also ( bi-polar symtom). He took it away and I have never looked back, but you really have to want to get rid of it. I am sorry about your marital difficulties. My sister-in-law is going through a terrible divorce. Her husband after 21 years decided he was in love with their neighbor and her best friend. He has made a bad mistake. If you are bi-polar it can make your marriage shakey. My husband sort of understands. If you have deep creative thoughts and could write poems by the thousands you maybe unipolar or bi-polar. I suggest that you go see a psychiatrist to be tested. One other thing I believe God can deliver me from this awful madness, but I believe he has a purpose for me to be this way. I hope you didn't mind me writing so much. It really helps to get things out on a website for people like me. This has been thrapeutic.
poster:Amanda S
thread:20338
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000128/msgs/20482.html