Posted by Adam on January 6, 2000, at 13:57:16
In reply to Re: Note to Adam, posted by juniper on January 6, 2000, at 2:06:40
Thank you, both of you.
I guess whatever happens I am happy for this new friendship. I've been worried about getting serious with someone so soon after experiencing some relief from depression, as well as some recent angst over prior relationship failures.
But then again, this has been such a gift. Everything of late has been. My life has changed in such profound ways in such a short amount of time I am in a perpetual state of astonishment. I feel badly sometimes even talking about it because I know many people here haven't experienced the relief I have, and are probably sick of hearing about it. The only thing I can hope, if that is the case, is that someone can look at what has happened to me and derive some hope from it, along with the annoyance. I feel quite strongly at this point if I can experience relief, anybody can. It was almost a year ago to the day that I checked myself into the psychiatric ward as Mass. General Hospital, quite at the end of my rope. My physical and emotional state at the time was indescribable. Bone crushing and mind numbing are the only words I usually can find. I can hardly believe it now. I just can't express what the memory of that time stirs up inside of me.
And now...I don't know. I have days I forget, and days I feel a twinge of fear or sadness and a knot forms inside. I never, ever want to go back. I don't know where I got the strength to endure it as long as I did. The "dread of something after death", or rather the nothing, most likely. Not strength really, but paralyzing fear. Whatever it was, I'm glad it at least kept me here.
New friendhips are wonderful, and redeeming. And to be even remotely understood, that has been the suprise and the gift. I would have spoken regardless, but to have been answered with a sad and knowing smile rather than the expected look of discomfort mixed with pity (which I've gotten, by the way)...I just don't have the words for it.
poster:Adam
thread:18078
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000101/msgs/18211.html