Posted by NikkiT2 on October 16, 2004, at 11:12:56
Well, yet again, I needed a tiny little bit of support this afternoon, but oh no.. he blows his lid, tells me I'm acting like a 12 year old, starts throwing things at me, and then storms out and I am now locked in the flat as he took both sets of keys and locked the door.
We've been out to lunch with my mum who was up in London.. her boyfriend embarrassed the hell out of me (he's a total bastard in my opinion), and I had to stop at supermarket on way home.. Get on the bus the rest of the way, and theres a man on there been really horrible and frightening.. threatening ti blow our heads off, and threatening to force to suck his d*ck.. I was scared, and ended up staying on the bus till he got off as I was scared he would get off at same stop as me. So I was aot longer than I expected, and got home, close to tears and really scared. The second I walk in the door he starts on me.. I try to explain I'm upset etc etc, but apparently I am making excuses blah blah blah. Next thing, he's throwing cups and glasses at me. Now he has stormed out - I have no idea where (he said he was going to get laid for once as I never want sex with him)
Now, theres only one thing I want to do.. and have the tabelts to do it.. but I know I mustb;t.. but don't know how I can stop myself.
I have to sit and msile at people as they tell me what a wonderful support J must be to me, and how awful it must have been for him to watch me so ill.. how he must have been such a help getting better. Thats bull.. he has never supported me in the smallest way. the year I got paid *nothing* (not even government stuff) he made me still pay him rent an dpay my share of the bills and food - hence i am now in major debt. When I was in the hospital for 10 days, he visited me ONCE (the hispital was a 15 minute walk from home)..
next month I turn 30.. to me this is quite a major mile stone, and I have a party booked. He informed me earlier that he's actually going away for the weekend of my birthday.. That he doesn't want me having a party, that 30 is nothing to bother celebrating, and so he's not going to bother being here. So I get to be alone for my birthday.. A friend is even flying over from Bemuda for the party that I now have to cancel. But She's travelling elsewhere for my actual birthday (day after the party)..
3 years ago I arranged a small party in our flat for my birthday.. the morning fo it he started kicking off at me completely and made me ring every single person on the list and tell them it was cancelled. When I broke down i tears he told me I was guilt tripping and proceeded to hit and punch the hell out of me.I want out. I've had enough. But I have absolutaly no where to go.. If I went back to mums I'd have to give up my job (too far to travel in every day and too expensive to do that travel).. but I can't actually afford to rent somewhere in london alone.. all my friends up here are his friends so I can't go to them.
Plus, I can't face starting all over with nothing what so ever..
I'm never going to be strong enough to leave him.. I know that. But I really don't know whether I can stand this anymore.. Its starting to feel like theres only one way out again.God I hate my life. I hate hate hate hate hate hate it.
poster:NikkiT2
thread:403804
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040626/msgs/403804.html