Posted by Racer on June 21, 2004, at 18:46:14
I'm embarrassed even to post this, and I know it's totally nuts. I guess it's either a sign of how much I trust you all, or a sign that I'm too wound up to get through until Wednesday (second session with this new therapist -- someone please send her a sympathy card for this trial by fire?)
Anyway, you know that last week, in crisis, I was turned away from my appointment with the doctor. Then my husband called the head of the clinic -- saying he was "after blood" at this point -- to find out what could be done to get me something a little closer to adequate care. (By the way, while it really isn't a good thing to do, knocking myself out for days on end with Xanax and Percodan did keep me alive -- with the help of the life line you all are holding onto for me. As I left the clinic, I was planning on suicide that afternoon -- I just couldn't stand any more of this hell.)
So, today, my husband called and said that, "oh, by the way," (<<drives me crazy -- I know it's always something terrible, even though every once in a while it isn't) he'd spoken with the clinic director again and something's going to change. Now, I know my husband's voice, so I know there is something going on that he's not happy about, but I don't know if it's about the clinic or about his job or what. It frightens me. All I know at this point is that I will still be seeing the same doctor, at the same facility.
Now, that's all still lead in...
Here's the problem: I'm afraid again. I'm afraid to walk into that place, to walk into his office, to face him. I'm petrified.
Mind you, I know I need the meds -- no question, if I plan to live more than another week or so, I need those meds. I also know that changing to another facility at this point would be terrifying. Probably MORE terrifying than continuing to see Dr Really-Needs-Professional-Help-In-The-Footwear-Department. (Sorry, today he can't be referred to by his real name.) And my experience with changing staff at this place has been such a nightmare that I'd be afraid to see another doctor there. But none of that matters. I'm still petrified.
(Yes, I will see the therapist on Wednesday. I suspect this will be a topic.)
Can anyone offer anything about this? Even if you just want to tell me to quit my bellyaching, do it. I think, mostly, I need contact at this point. But if you think you understand at all, please tell me that, too?
poster:Racer
thread:358741
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040501/msgs/358741.html