Posted by Racer on May 12, 2004, at 11:50:49
Sorry to be so needy right now, but someone needs to start something here because I'm in distress and need the contact. You know?
As for me, I'm in the pit of hell with the start of this new med. Tantrums, tears, general yuck factor. Everything that doesn't taste funny, smells funny. I keep running into the biggest behavioral symptom of my depression: every time I try to do anything, I get so over-agitated I give up, which is a failure, so I can punish myself for it. {{sigh}} Guess how much I'm getting done right now?
The hell of it is, I'm too afraid to try to do anything anymore. I'm not talking things like The Great English Language Novel -- I'm talking cleaning the bathroom! I've been working on a sweater, and it's close to being done -- literally about 100 stitches left to go, if that -- but I can't make myself do more than a few stitches, because I'm so afraid of how wrong it's going to be when I do finish it -- another failure. Scaring the hell out of my husband, since I go back and forth between tantrums where I thow things -- scares me, too: I'm out of control, and it's not like me -- and then throwing myself down to sob for a while. Nope, sleep ain't happ'n'ng, either.
On a good note, I did finally figure out what 'reassuring me about side effects' would look like from my doctor: it's not about reading the list of reported side effects to me. I can do that myself. Besides, those are all based on a statistical model that really hasn't got a lot of relevance to an individual patient. Reassuring me would mean saying, "Hey, if any of these bad things happen, call me and we'll find a way to minimize your distress. We can work together to find a solution that you can live with. Just call me and let me know if something goes on, 'K?" Now, I know that's not going to happen at this place, but at least I can tell the next doctor what 'reassurance' looks like.
(And, of course, that brings me back to therapy: maybe this is something that should have been ferretted out of me there? With assistance? Ever wonder why I feel as if I'm in this all alone? [OK >> Alone except for Babbleites.] Maybe it's because it seems as if the only things that are happening at all are those that I do do all alone? Like figuring out what I need?)
There. That's my bit for the day. Is anyone else around who wants to say a few words? (or more than a few?)
Thank [insert name of your deity of choice here] for all of us being here together.
poster:Racer
thread:346149
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040501/msgs/346149.html