Posted by shar on April 12, 2004, at 23:32:28
My T, who has been seeing me for free for over a year, and I have been talking about ending therapy for awhile now. She has also been seeing me and my S.O. for over a year--for no charge.
It is totally appropriate (*totally*) that we end it. Only, well, it is so reminiscent of an end. As in, the end of all things. As in, my father's death when I was a teen. As in, Scruffles' death (for you animal lovers out there). As in, deeply painful, like losing the mother I never had. My T was always in my corner. I learned from her that a fight did not always mean abandonment. And, that I could be responsible for my actions without necessarily having to hate myself because of them.
And so much more.
God, how I will miss her. I tried to convince her that one last session of me weeping the whole time would be useless. She, as usual, asked "can't you listen when you're crying?" And, yes, I can, but will it do any good. She thought it might, and I trust her.
OK, the upshot of it all is I have one more session with her. How can I do more than weep at the loss I feel? Someone who loves me, nudges me, expects the best of me, loves me in spite of my human foibles? What agony is worse than losing that? That which I never had except for with her?
Oh, well. My fallback is suicide. And, that is the real world. I'm not there now. Maybe I never will be (hahahahahaha). She kept me alive past 50. I'm 52 now. Well, never mind all that. Perhaps I should just say this is one more loss, yet another death, in my life.
I'm just spouting off. I'll probably be around until a massive coronary (I hope) or cancer takes me. No big rush to call the cops or anything. Only me.
Thanking anyone who hears all this,
Shar
poster:shar
thread:335788
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040213/msgs/335788.html