Posted by Racer on March 19, 2004, at 23:58:13
In reply to Re: Question about insight or lack thereof » Racer, posted by noa on March 19, 2004, at 19:50:41
I can't recreate it, so I won't try. Thank you.
Let's see, I know a lot about why I'm in this state, and it has a lot to do with sucking in my emotions. It feels a little like the only way to keep my emotions sucked in is to hold my breath, and that means not eating much. I know, it's weird, I'm nuts, etc. And I've got that whole bootstrapping thing going on, too, where I say, "Well, fixing it is so easy -- just eat. You don't need help, you don't need therapy, you just need to eat more. You're totally unreasonable, because you are the one who has to eat, and no one can do it for you and no one can force you." In other words, it's all my fault, including my lack of recovery, and I'm doubly wrong for expecting that anyone can or will help me.
The only problem with all that is that I can't seem to do it alone, without help, because if I could, I wouldn't have this problem in the first place. Kinda recursive, but it's also my reality.
At this point, since my new therapist doesn't want to address anything emotional with me, and keeps "redirecting" me any time I start to express anything that isn't framed in calm, rational speech, I feel even more as if I have to suck back my emotions in order to survive. And the damned case manager, with his, "You've got a roof over your head, there's plenty of food here for you, and so all your needs are being met. You just need to concentrate on your therapy, and don't expect anything from me." Sure, there's plenty of food here, but I'm at war with it. Some days I think, "Today, I will eat as much as I want, with no thoughts of self-indulgence, lack of discipline, excess calories, etc." But then, when I'm faced with food, I can't do it. I can look at the food, and know that I want it, that it will make me feel better, that I need it, but I can't eat it. When I try, I get so sick to my stomach that I can't go on.
Making this more complicated still, my stomach really is hurting. Has been ever since starting the Zoloft, but it hasn't really gone away since stopping all meds. The pdoc says, "maybe your gallbladder, but that's not my concern. Go see an internist." Sure, if I had access to one. Whatever is causing it, there's some background pain all the time, and every time I eat it gets worse. Then, as soon as I'm finished eating -- if not before -- I have to go to the bathroom right away. Not a lot of fun.
And here's a catch 22 for you: that diagnostic criteria that I don't meet? You know, continuing to have my monthly punctuation? Because I don't meet the criteria for anorexia, my weight loss is not psychiatrically significant, so there's no reason to do anything about it. That's right, since it's non-DSM weight loss, it's someone else's problem. They only deal with that which is catagorically related to the DSM diagnoses listed on my chart.
Oh, I am so not doing well. I'm not happy to be banging my head against the wall this way, but my reality is that I have no other options for treatment of any sort. That's not a perception thing, so much as a reality -- I don't qualify for medicaid, there are no local psychiatrists who will accept self-pay patients, and even if we could find one who would see me, we really and truly cannot afford to pay for it. Sure, it's as easy as changing priorities, and my health should be a priority, but then there's the other little thing: my husband being out of work for two years has left us with damned little to go on with, and we are at the edge of the abyss. Losing my health or losing our home? Them's hard questions, but when I have -- in theory -- access to the necessary services at no cost, it just doesn't make much sense to take those risks. (Especially since I distrust doctors in general, and know that I can find worse doctors out there -- I know it because I've been tothem.)
As for your other post, 'razor on wrist' isn't serious, you know. That's *only* attention seeking behavior. And, by definition, all men must be anorexic, since they do not have their periods... Yes, it's ridiculous. I have a solution, though. It's time for a Modest Proposal for Solving The Mental Health Crisis. I'm thinking a nice, well thought out exploration of humane euthanesia for all mentally ill. That way, no one would have to suffer this way, and no one would ever be homeless. (And no, that's not meant as a real solution, only as a modern analog to Swift's Modest Proposal to ending hunger in Ireland.)
What's your doctorate in again? Just being nosy.
Thank you for all your support. I always know that when I see your name, I'll get good stuff. You're the bestest.
poster:Racer
thread:325597
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040213/msgs/326323.html