Posted by Rach on May 17, 2002, at 22:31:41
I'm really struggling. But it's not in a way that is expected.
I don't even know if I can put this in words properly. I have recognised that one of my problems is fear of success.
You see, I know I can succeed at anything I decided to do. I know I will make it work. But I can't see the point. You succeed at one goal, you're happy for a short time, then you look for the next thing. You go on this path of find a goal, do it, be a bit happy, then having to find something else to look for to achieve. When does it end? When do you say, ok, I've achieved a lot in my life, I'm happy with that. What is the point of succeeding at something if the process is just going to continue for the rest of your life?
I know that success for me will probably mean a higher profile in the community, which will in turn mean I have greater power to influence things and make a difference for other people. I will be able to help other people through depression and be able to have a better standing in charity work. But somehow I can't see that as the only reason for doing something.
I also know that if I intended to have kids it might make things easier, because then I achieve what I want in life and then go on to help someone else in being the best they can be. But I don't want to have kids.
Ultimately, I know that the main purpose of life is to love, and be loved. And I do have that in my life from family and friends. But I don't have that special person, and I am scared I will never find them, and thus not have that purpose in my life. I am also worried that by living by myself I am making myself very shared house unfriendly, and that I am distancing myself from people and withdrawing into myself too much to even notice that an opportunity is there.
I don't believe in God in the christian sense, but I do believe in a higher power and that there is a bigger picture. I believe in my soul and that I am here to learn and gain knowledge and expand my soul. I do know that part of all this is to have fun. I just can't seem to mesh this all together and make sense of it all.
I think I need some help and guidance, but where does one go to find a spiritual leader that is not affiliated to a specific religion?
I know also, my fear of success is all rooted in a fear of failure, because once I have succeeded in a lot of things, what happens if I do happen to have a set back, and suddenly all the people who had faith in me are disappointed?
ARGH! Does this make sense to anyone? or am I truly proving my insanity?
poster:Rach
thread:304
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20020416/msgs/304.html