Posted by Bob on October 7, 1999, at 23:14:14
In reply to Re: All of you seem so enlightened...., posted by Bob on October 7, 1999, at 20:13:52
I came out to NYC 4 years back to take a job on the faculty of the Education school at Fordham. Ed psych. At first it was all so heady ... but then the bottom started to fall out. I had lost faith in my job (that is, being a professor. Teaching is my vocation. I thought the two were supposed to go together -- professoring in a school of education and teaching. At Fordham, that was almost true -- certainly closer than other ed schools I know). My father had a second stroke. I had no social support network. Neither my office nor my apartment had any windows to speak of, so I was an urban cave dweller. I just crashed. I knew I was depressed, but I had always fooled myself into thinking I could deal with it, that I'd rid myself of it. Not only did that house of cards come crashing down, but my panic disorder kicked into high gear for the first time in my life. I'd go into work at ten, close my office door (sometimes no windows is a good thing), and shake. I played a lot of solitaire (Mac, Eric's Solitaire Sampler, the "Eight Off" game or whatever its called ... left that computer behind with more than 5,000 consectutive wins and no losses, just waiting for the next piece of fresh faculty meat to check it out ;^). I aggravated the hell out of my RSI. But mostly, I just shook. Then five minutes before I'd have to teach, I'd somehow pull myself together (it was teaching, after all), get up in front of my students, and I'd teach. I hid in my office for more than a year that way, smack in the middle of a department of school and counseling psychologists (who have some clinical training), and no one noticed. Or, if they did, no one was concerned enough to mention. I felt a great deal of guilt towards the end -- that I'd been living a lie ... they all wanted me to stay instead of quit. I resolved then to make sure on my new job that I'd make sure my boss (and my colleagues) knew, and that I'd keep it in my boss' mind by being frank and open about any changes in my treatment -- particularly my meds.
Well, that job has been a completely different story. I don't regret one bit being out about my disorder ... it may wind up working in my favor.
(Under the ADA, you have to tell in order to get protection, from what I have read)
The short of it, as far as I can tell, is this: My boss sees a capable, bright person -- certainly highly qualified for the job (and perhaps she sees that as a threat ... I've got no read on that) -- and then she sees drops in his performance from time to time. Putting one (disclosure of my disorder) and one (drop in performance) together just doesn't add up for her. She has never considered what effect it might have on my abilities. So, she thinks I'm unmotivated. That I'm a slacker. That I am "essentially undependable". And all this despite the clear evidence that my project's performance has continued to improve over the high degree of success we had the previous year.
Well, I have a meeting tomorrow I need to prepare for. I'm going to have to give a few people some math lessons, and see if they can learn from their mistakes (before I contact the EEOC ... I'd hate to see this place lose all its federal and state funding because it got its EEOC certification yanked).
I'll continue the soap opera this weekend, once I calm down again.
Bob
poster:Bob
thread:12703
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19991001/msgs/12782.html