Posted by Racer on June 11, 1999, at 16:47:32
In reply to everyday is an effort, posted by joann on June 11, 1999, at 15:39:34
I was locked up last year for a brief time, for feeling suicidal. Everyone just said, "we'll help you get better..." During my time in the hospital, I didn't eat. I ate part of a salad, a glass of orange juice, and a handful of pretzels during my entire stay there. No one noticed. I didn't speak in any of the groups. All I did was sit with a book and go out on smoke breaks. I guess the fact that I was lucid enough to understand that I could smoke during the breaks was enough to mark me as sane, because the only time I saw the doctor, he said that if I wasn't going to kill myself, he'd let me go home. Then he asked if I was going to kill myself. Maybe it was a test? Anyway, they sent me home, started me seeing the doctor from hell, and made me what I am today. Suicidal, medicated, and hopeless.
Let's see, now that I've told you my woes, and (I hope) shown you that we have some similarities, what's next? My last conversation with the doctor who prescribes my meds, I told her I'd been crying for four days, not sleeping, not eating, thinking of suicide, and, therefore, thought the drugs weren't effective. She said that she disagreed. She thought the drugs were effective, I was just too f**ked up to be able to tell!! (Excuse me? Now I'm only the patient, but it seems to me that there is a difference between "depressed" and "terminally stupid". Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that if the patient is still suicidal, the drugs ain't working. You know?)
One thing that has helped me is a support group for manic depressive/depressive people. The one I go to is called Depressive Manic Depressive Association. It's a national organization, and may have a group which meets in your area. There's also a similar group called MDDA, guess what that stands for?
I also happen to know that Stanford has a new treatment program, which includes free or almost free treatment. I almost signed up myself, even though it's about a five hour trip for me. Whatever you do, don't try to get through all this alone. Even if you can't manage to talk out loud, email someone, write out what's going on in your head, get the feelings on paper, and then take that with you so that if you can't say it, they can still read it.
I also go through periods when I just can't talk. I can empathize with you on that. One of the nice things about DMDA is that I can sit silently through an entire meeting (after the checkin process, when we give our names, diagnosis, meds, mood rating, and any topic we want to discuss), and no one says a word about it. They will sometimes ask if someone is all right, if it's someone that they know is behaving unusually. Even then, if someone replies that 'gee, just want to be here quietly tonight', they're always respectful. And if anyone isn't respectful, the facilitator 'reminds' them to be...
Really, you don't have to fight quite as hard as you seem to be. I hope that you can find something like what I found, because I can honestly say that it's kept me alive since I found it.
poster:Racer
thread:7287
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990601/msgs/7288.html