Posted by Sean on January 11, 1999, at 13:24:25
In reply to Zolfot induced hypomania, posted by Sean on January 8, 1999, at 15:53:22
> I was treated for depression in my early 20's (with
> amitriptyline and lithium) and went as longs as 4 years
> on these drugs, and then went off, then on because I
> kept wanting to be medication free. The last time I went
> off, my doc prescribed zoloft and I landed on the moon.
> Now it looks like I'm headed for combination therapy
> again.
> In the past few years I've noticed my ups have become
> increasingly intense. It seems like what used to be
> a quasi-unipolar situation has mutated into something
> like bipolarity and seems to be getting worse.
> Having read about kindling, and antidepressant induced
> mania, I'm starting to get concerned about my crazy
> mood swings. I actually like them in a way (I'm a musician
> and songwriter) but my energy levels are making it
> hard to work and I suppose it is possible I could be
> headed for full blown mania.
> Given the risk/side effects of the mood stabilizers,
> can any of you offer experience or input on the possible
> course of my particular illness? I'm beginning to think
> I need to head this off at the pass but I'm actually
> avoiding going to my doc because of medication fear.
> So I'm medically awol at the moment, but suffering.
> Can anybody relate? Have suggestions?
Thanks for the response; I'm really glad I found this
site. I think I do need to find a doc and get more
constructive about this instead of fighting it. I'm
glad to hear that bp2-1 switching is unlikely (although
with enough sleep deprivation anything's possible!)I've become a "waiter", that is, when I feel like killing
myself, I just wait for 3-4 weeks and it changes. The
pain is incredible and I really don't function very
well. Then somehow things seem a little better and
the whole thing starts over again, up down, up down. It
seems very natural to me in some way, like I have
a psychological cycle of the seasons going on. It
is just getting hard to deal with the rest of the
world and I've managed to overspend myself into
some serious debt.I feel that the psychotherapeutic work I've done
has made me more aware and tolerant of these intense
feelings and cycles. The problem is I sense it is
getting worse and when I look at the actual percent
of my life where I'm actually productive (work,
music, being emotionally available to other people)
I realize I'm below the 50% mark. This is no
way to live. I'm missing out on a lot.As strange as it seems, the idea of killing myself
seems very natural to me. I guess most people don't
feel this way very often. I wonder what kind of
urgency my artistic work would have if I never
felt this was "the end"?But what could I create as a dead person? How
much torment does one have to feel until killing
one's self is reasonable? What is it like to be
normal?This shit is tricky. But thanks for the advice, it
seems more valuable coming from you folks than a
doctor. I'm going to get help.Sean.
poster:Sean
thread:2173
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990101/msgs/2289.html