Psycho-Babble Faith Thread 607872

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Christianity and me, maybe harsh.

Posted by James K on February 9, 2006, at 2:52:21

The reason I am writing this, is because it is something I am going to have to deal with. As I attempt recovery, I keep running into this wall, and that wall is christianity and the fact that I was raised in it.

I want to get well without dealing with this huge problem, and then deal with it later. Here is part of the problem. My family were influenced by a preacher who was maybe extreme and out of control. We eventually kicked him out of our church leading to a split, and a long time of extreme tension. This was all happening in my early to mid teens.

I believed for real. I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and meant it. I know and studied the bible and have great respect for it and true followers of christianity. But at an impressionable age, as my personal world was crumbling around me with drugs sex and alcohol and rock n roll and violence and social misfitism, I was still attending church 3 times a week. I still believed, and I was hearing hate preached from the pulpit. The details don't matter, but it was out of line with what I now believe to be true.

The problem is I rejected God. I still believed in Him, and I told him f*ck you. And I was willing to go to hell. And I'd never cry Lord Lord don't you know me, because he knows me and I told him NO. So, if someone might wonder why i treat myself like nothing, it's because i already came to grips with eternal nothingness and suffering like so many other people who were on this planet.

I turned my back on my art talent, education, my parents, and God. I walked right away and didn't look back. I refuse to look back. I took Oaths. Why would someone who doesn't care, care about an oath he took?

How do I get well when eventually we get to this ugly spot in the middle of it all. I don't need answers, I just need to put the question out of my head and onto somewhere else. I don't want to be a Christian. I think I live more like one than many who claim the name. I don't have another spirituality though. I've done well believing in nature, humanity and science. Child protection and domestic violence prevention are good enough for me. for now. If you read this, please understand I am forcing myself to think about things I don't think about. Because I am going to go into a hospital very soon, and decide what it is that I think life is supposed to be. Sobriety isn't enough. 12 steps aren't enough. Old time religion isn't enough. Can I let go of a hate of something I don't even think is real, but can't deny? I think too much. that is why so much of my life has been devoted to not thinking.

So once again, I'm asking those of you who are strong in your faith(s) to reach out somehow. For the peace and serenity I'm going to be needing.

thank you,
James k


Re: Christianity and me, maybe harsh.

Posted by deirdrehbrt on February 9, 2006, at 9:59:14

In reply to Christianity and me, maybe harsh., posted by James K on February 9, 2006, at 2:52:21

I'm terribly sorry for what you went through. It's sad that PEOPLE treat each other the way they do. I don't remember where it is in the Bible, but I believe there were harsh words for someone who caused another to fall away.
In any event, I don't believe that it's God who is the author of your strife, but man. Evil people, acting in God's name. People who claimed to speak for God, or who claimed to know God's will. That was the case in my life, at least, and I can't believe I'm unique.
So now I'm Pagan. Does that mean I've rejected God? Not at all. To me, it means that I've come to a broader understanding of deity. I believe that man has put artificial constraints around what we call God, and I've tried to remove them.
As such, I can actually better accept the Faith of my parents without personally adopting it. I can disagree without dismissing.
If you've seen some of my other posts, you'll see that I do have anger, but it's not toward God, but toward people who claim to interpret God's words.
I don't want to tell you how to live your life, or how to deal with God. That's personal and completely up to you. I think it would be easier though if you could come to some understanding of what was God's fault, and what was man's fault. Then you might be able to stop blaming God for the works of men. Then you'll be in a better position to evaluate your relationship with God.
Just my two cents....


Re: Christianity and me, maybe harsh.

Posted by lynn971 on February 12, 2006, at 22:54:12

In reply to Re: Christianity and me, maybe harsh., posted by deirdrehbrt on February 9, 2006, at 9:59:14

Dearest James K,

I have been praying for you since I read one of your posts for the first time.

Is it that you do not want to be a christian or is it that you do not want to be what people call christian? Remember "Not all that glitters is gold"

I know that I have come to a place in my life that I want to know Jesus for myself. Not what preachers say he is. Not what christians say he is, but I want to know him. People will let you down, it is our nature. If I had to base my christianity on what people say it is, I would never be a christian.

I know this, The real Jesus would never hurt you. He would never put unrealistic expectations on you. He is full of love and freedom. He understands what you are going through. He just wants you to rest in His arms. He doesnt want you to try to be a "good christian" He just wants you to love Him and Him to love you. To tell you, "It is ok, James K." "You will get through this." James, you need to stop hating yourself. Just rest in Him. You have nothing to prove. Just let him love you with no strings attached. I have been hurt by "christians" but I have never been hurt by Christ.

I think that we sometimes have a warped view of Jesus, because some people who are christians are preachers, warp that view for us. If you have a glimpse of how awsome His love is, you would not be able to reject him.

With love,


Re: Christianity and me, maybe harsh. James K

Posted by rayww on February 14, 2006, at 22:52:24

In reply to Christianity and me, maybe harsh., posted by James K on February 9, 2006, at 2:52:21

James I am sorry you had to go through such a negative Christianity experience. What do you think God thought of that creed or that preacher? Do you think He saw the error? What man does in the name of God isn't necessarily Godly. But then even if God comes right out and says it, people still won't believe. I am thankful I do believe. No matter how bad life gets I can deal with it as long as I have my belief and testimony. I know Jesus is the Christ. I know we are his and I have perfect trust in Him. You can't believe in God without believing this life is only a tiny part of eternity. If it is such, then it must be a very important part. If so, why is there so much pain and suffering here and why is man is left on his own to figure it out? We are expected to learn how to live life faithfully, at least by that we can bear our problems and our joy.


Re: Christianity and me, maybe harsh.

Posted by bluebottles on May 20, 2006, at 17:50:08

In reply to Christianity and me, maybe harsh., posted by James K on February 9, 2006, at 2:52:21

hi james
i am actually not getting u what u really mean.what i get about u is the unsatisfactory attitude. and i am the most satisfied atleast with my faith.
i just want to know u and pray for u.and feel we need to talk a little bit more.
would u like to share ur e-mail address with me.
ayesha from pakistan


Re: Christianity and me, maybe harsh.

Posted by robot on July 13, 2006, at 13:57:48

In reply to Christianity and me, maybe harsh., posted by James K on February 9, 2006, at 2:52:21

Take your time. We cant be anywhere but the present. A God that is loving has a total understanding of how you feel and surely all will work out.


Re: Christianity and me, robot

Posted by james K on July 14, 2006, at 1:57:09

In reply to Re: Christianity and me, maybe harsh., posted by robot on July 13, 2006, at 13:57:48

Hi robot. It was good to see this response just lately. The thread was almost off of the page. I've been through so much since that was written. I can't believe just 5 months ago.

Hospitalizations, self-injury, overdose, violence. a job, and a failure.

My writing style was much more literate then.

God is on my mind lately, in a good way, not fear or anger. Thoughts about Christianity and what it really means. Could I be a Christian? Am I really already one?

You're right, In time.

thank you.

James K

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