Psycho-Babble Faith Thread 450190

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3 days till 1st anniversary of Dad's death

Posted by corafree on January 30, 2005, at 14:38:37

I have tried to commit suicide more than a few times since early 20s, but don't think I've ever gone this long, a year, w/o attempting or at least seeking hospitalization.

Hey, I wonder if I really am strong? People say it, but I think they're just 'ya know' saying it!

I wonder if I am at least strong enough to let someone else lead the way; the Lord and his son, Jesus Christ.

He knew how I screamed and fought like a child w/ arms outstretched, crying 'daddy, daddy, daddy, please don't go, please don't leave me alone here!

Right this moment, I realize he must be quite proud of me for making it this far, and simply sitting her and sharing goodness about life, and for living as best I could though this, prob' most heavy load of my life, I pray, this test of faith.

I often feel 'failed him', but rather, I'll use the skill of changing direction, and give myself a pat on the back for doing/living the best I could w/o him for a whole year.

Every morning my first thought is him; every eve wrapped in the blanket/throw he covered himself w/ on the easy chair back in our home. I stand up, wrap it around me, then sort of fall into bed with my arms free for the night's last cig and for my meds.

'Somewhere out there', that song, is my daughter, such an empathetic, but yet not allowing her to jeodpardizing herself, trying to fill the void in me. And, my brother finally spoke to me. I asked him if 'he had my back' and he was like, oh year, always! My one daughter, my youngest sister, and the Lord have held me up, as I've prayed every night for myself and for them.

And then, I find this site. It helped me get through this year. All of you letting me join in, even when I must have sounded like a broken record or just a bystander, was also a very useful tool for me.

My father, walking w/ him, made me feel like I was center stage. Not a man of possessions. He was a dreamer, a person of connection, heart connections w/ anyone that came his way, open and accepting. He never judged me. At my worst, he was at his best. He had long beautiful gray hair; a kindredship w/ American Indian. His work involved programs, studies, and ways of betterment to the lives of Native Americans. That is just one thing about him that made me proud to be his daughter. There were every day things, laughter, laughter at himself. A man who wasn't afraid to be a bit 'out there.' I am nearly 100% sure that he and I were soulmates, or knew each other in another life.

Knowing that things would be difficult in the hospital, that final day, and hwo hard it would be for him and I to speak, to struggle for one last breath, I spoke w/ him about 'us' before that day/time.

I don't know about you all, but I'm always hard on myself, worst critic type; so this post is gonna' be diff'. Oh, I'm still crying and aching deeply for his presence, but, I feel God, his son Jesus, and my father, George, would be very proud of me. I didn't start drinking or doing drugs. I didn't try leave the earth to 'go be with Dad.' I kept on keepin' on, one long day at a time.

That is what I have learned in this first year w/o him. I am strong, maybe not as strong as some, but strong enough for my beloved father and the lord and his son to be okay with me. I try ask for some help and try thank him if things are going well.

Being in DBT during this time, learning to handle stress through use of skills, deserves some credit too. Those skills have come in very handy. Proper eating, caring for self, getting to appts, taking care of my own responsibilities, taking a vacation from everything (even if just in your head), feeling the 'moment', not being too harsh on myself, redirecting my thoughts, and acceptance of course, are some of the skills.

This site, you all, deserve a lot of credit also for the kindness shown me, even when I'm making no sense or 'not meaning to, but wasting you time.

I don't go to a bldg each Sunday to gather w/ other people; but maybe some day I'll do that? No more Latin speaking tho' ... I need good old-fashioned 'talking about living skills spoken by a kind person.'

I'm doing fairly good; am sure Dad wants me to remain here and care for his grandchildren, and their children.

OK ... THIS IS BAD, THIS IS MY BIG QUESTION THAT SOMETIMES I ANSWER AND OTHER TIMES I JUST GET ANGRY AT THE THOUGHT OF, ...

WHERE IS HE .. WHERE'S MY DAD?

I didn't know what to tell my little sister, when she cried me one day on her way to work, because I'm skeptical. Biggest prob' - yep, skepticism.

Can anyone tell me something OTHER THAN 'in you' 'in all the people that love you' 'in a place where there is no fear and no pain' 'with God (because I'll say where's God?), 'with Jesus' (because I'll say where's Jesus? Somebody pls try answer and don't be afraid of hurting my feelings - I'll be prepared.

Radical acceptance ... whoa nellie, slow down, can't do it, can't do it until I know where he is. WHERE IS HE??????????????

Is he in one person, in my newest grandchild, in heaven, with Jesus?

ONE MORE TIME, WHERE IS HE???

P.S. Really, you can hurt my feelings if need be, because I can't get by this, no matter how hard I try.

How do people just 'accept' and 'believe' w/o question? That's my fleeting thought each day. Maybe it cannot be done? How does one do that?

When I tell God, Jesus, Dad, I believe; they know as well as I that I'm not quite there. There is one thing; the more I say it to myself or to my one daughter or to my one sister, I feel a bit more as I am believing it, just a bit, then afterwards feel like maybe I've lied to myself or to another.

Anything to offer which may put me on the path to faith???? He was alive this time last year. Ok crying time again. well wishes to all, cf

I hope you're all having a good weekend, so good that you feel you might even have time to give me a little of your time, a little of your support!!! I feel so me-me-me selfish!!! I'm sorry. cf


 

Re: 3 days till 1st anniversary of Dad's death corafree

Posted by rayww on January 31, 2005, at 22:53:12

In reply to 3 days till 1st anniversary of Dad's death, posted by corafree on January 30, 2005, at 14:38:37

My father died suddenly when I was 18 and there has not been one year pass that I haven't missed him. The anniversary of his death is always difficult to pass through, as are other days, like Father's day and his birthday. I try to focus on love, but anger often takes over. Whenever I have cried out for him, as you are now, something happens. One, it seems like my cries, though they are addressed to my dad, end up seeming like they are to God, as though they are one and the same. I have come to the conclusion that I have two fathers in heaven who both love and care about me, and who are united in wanting what's best for me. The second thing that happens is I receive comfort, and more oft than not, recognize his presence through a coincidence or a song or a sight, or a smell, or something that triggers a good memory. It is so real that I know my dad still lives. Only his physical body has been laid to rest, and the real person, his spirit, lives on, preparing a place for his family, awaiting the resurrection, etc.

At the times when I was particularly vulnerable I bought cards. Sympathy cards for myself, and Father's day cards for him, that expressed how I felt, and when I was ready I gave them away to others who needed them. The healing process takes time, and it is best handled through faith. I don't know how I would have ever handled it without my religion, because it is something I have always been able to trust, and has never let me down in its truth.

I pray that you might come to feel the peace that can be found through faith in Jesus Christ and that you will come to know the reality of your Father in Heaven. (s)

 

forgot to mention

Posted by rayww on January 31, 2005, at 23:10:04

In reply to Re: 3 days till 1st anniversary of Dad's death corafree, posted by rayww on January 31, 2005, at 22:53:12

suicide is not in god's plan for you. god would rather keep you here where you can learn the lessons of life that will help you become the person you were intended to be. We all have to pass through sorrows, and endure trials. God takes special care of those with mental trials. Focus on breath, soak in a hot bath, get plenty of rest (starting before midnight), avoid pornography, and try to stay away from other things that might draw your spirit farther away from God. I would suggest you mentally focus on Christ and try to feel his peace and healing. It is real. Begin and end each day with genuine, heart-felt prayer, as though you were speaking to your own father. When grief strikes, you just have to work through it, don't suppress it, dull it, or ignore it, allow it to pass through you, and you will be stronger for the next time.

 

Re: forgot to mention rayww

Posted by malthus on February 1, 2005, at 17:37:26

In reply to forgot to mention, posted by rayww on January 31, 2005, at 23:10:04

Thank you for this Ray even though it was not for me. Your words made me feel better.

malthus

 

Re: forgot to mention

Posted by corafree on February 2, 2005, at 14:19:00

In reply to Re: forgot to mention rayww, posted by malthus on February 1, 2005, at 17:37:26

To all who answered my post, I've been hiding away, away from computer even, and I'm sorry I haven't been responding. Today is harder than I thought, but thank you so very much for helping me. cf


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