Psycho-Babble Faith Thread 71

Shown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Pre-wedding blues

Posted by Kar on June 4, 2002, at 14:12:45

Hey all. I'm getting married in October. I'm bi-polar and have been struggling with depression for years. Haven't worked in almost a year because of the depression and lack of ability to work consistently. My fiance is awesome- supportive and understanding...just the best.

Here's the question/gripe/vent. We were both brought up Roman Catholic and attend church...I consider myself religious but not that "Catholic" (BTW, reformed Judaism came up on top on the Belief-O-Matic...took it months ago!). Ok so we've been through precana (kind of like a pre-marital counseling) and that was good. Then we went to this meeting with the priest that was like the Inquisition. While the priest was supportive on the whole, part of the "Inquisition" was a question about whether either of us had received any psychiatric treatment. Sssssssuper. The priest already knew about the probs I'd been having. He told me that he needed a NOTE from my pdoc stating that "from his standpoint there is no reason why I can't marry"...I feel so incredibly insulted and pissed and hurt...aarrgh. Betrayed, in a way. Doesn't that sound like discrimination?

So do I suck it up and just do it? I guess I have to...we should have eloped...

Thank all,
Karen

 

what a drag. Kar

Posted by beardedlady on June 4, 2002, at 17:21:06

In reply to Pre-wedding blues, posted by Kar on June 4, 2002, at 14:12:45

No answers here, only sympathy. Who was it who said he wouldn't join a club that would have him as a member? I'm the opposite; I wouldn't join a club that wouldn't have me, as is, as a member. A note from your doctor saying you can get married? I think I'd have ripped him a new one then and there. (Sorry if that's too blunt.)

If you really want to get married in the Roman Catholic church, you have two options: get a note, or find a new priest who doesn't know your situation and lie! Not much of a choice, eh?

Congratulations on the impending nuptials, and good luck.

beardy : )>

 

Re: Pre-wedding blues Kar

Posted by Greg on June 4, 2002, at 17:45:59

In reply to Pre-wedding blues, posted by Kar on June 4, 2002, at 14:12:45

Wow Karen...

Found myself getting very angry at the whole idea. Some religions are very strict I guess. I think I would have told the man that I didn't need a note from my doctor to know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with the person that I love. But this is your decision to make.

I am curious though, what does your fiance think of this?

I wish you the best that life has to offer in whatever you decide.

Greg

 

Re: what a drag. beardedlady

Posted by Kar on June 4, 2002, at 21:05:02

In reply to what a drag. Kar, posted by beardedlady on June 4, 2002, at 17:21:06

Thanks, Beardie. I don't suppose there are any (acceptable!) answers...

>I wouldn't join a club that wouldn't have me, as is, as a member.

But what if you're already a member? :(

ripped him a new one then and there.
No, not too blunt and precisely how I was feeling when he told us about our "odds" of remaining married, esp. after (gasp) living together! My fiance praised me for my restraint on this one as I calmly informed the priest that it was unfair to make sweeping generalizations (based on dated studies)about us and that we were not, by any means, just "statistics". Harrumph. But you know what? With the depression-thing, I became somewhat immobilized...I was too blown away and hurt. My mom says I should tell the priest how I feel...

I wish it weren't too late to lie- I would! The thing is, this priest isn't the one marrying us, but he's doing all the paperwork...we're importing a priest.

I might have to just suck it up...
Thanks for the congrats :D

Karen

 

Re: Pre-wedding blues Kar

Posted by judy1 on June 4, 2002, at 21:46:48

In reply to Pre-wedding blues, posted by Kar on June 4, 2002, at 14:12:45

Depending on the size of your diocese and how strong you feel emotionally, I would make my feelings known to his supervisor- as a fairly devout Catholic at one point in my life, I truly don't remember that question coming up before my marriage (and the priest knew of my history too). Because of the recent scandals the Church is really trying not to offend it's flock- apparently this priest hasn't gotten the message. Since he is not marrying you, request he put n/a in whatever spot he found on the form -I still can't believe this!- and request that if the priest that's marrying you ask (and I bet he doesn't). Anyway, hope this helps and I also hope he didn't ruin what will be the happiest time of your life. Congratulations, Judy

 

Re: Pre-wedding blues Greg

Posted by Kar on June 4, 2002, at 22:27:07

In reply to Re: Pre-wedding blues Kar, posted by Greg on June 4, 2002, at 17:45:59

Hey Greg- Yeah, I wish I could have told him that. As I told Beardie, I was somewhat immobilized. The priest said that they needed to ensure that I was capable of making the "conscious decision" to marry. WTF. He spoke with us for 40 minutes that night as I answered question after question, rather lucidly and competently, thank you very much. You'd think that would've been enough...

My fiance thinks that it's a crock and understands why I'm so ticked...but he's the analytical one and I'm firey. He said that we probably don't have much we can do if we want to get married there, and he's right. He argued it some at the time of the meeting: "Why do we need a note if she's here telling you in person...". I feel like if we had seen it coming we'd have been better armed. Just ain't fair, dernit...

Thanks for your kind words,
karen

 

Re: Pre-wedding blues judy1

Posted by Kar on June 4, 2002, at 22:37:01

In reply to Re: Pre-wedding blues Kar, posted by judy1 on June 4, 2002, at 21:46:48

Thanks Judy- them's are fightin' words! Really, it's a great idea and I think I will definitely go the "N/A" route. Funny how you always think that you have to comply; I never even considered that! Good point about the Church in its current state...and casting dispersions upon little 'ole moi?

Take care,
Karen

 

Re: Pre-wedding blues

Posted by shar on June 5, 2002, at 1:01:43

In reply to Re: Pre-wedding blues judy1, posted by Kar on June 4, 2002, at 22:37:01

It seems that this would be a perfect time to write a note saying you meet the legal definition of sanity. You write the note. You sign it with some illegible scrawl. Or do it with words cut out from the newspaper. Or in crayon. Obviously, it is hard to take this seriously (for me).

I wonder if he would've said the same thing if it was your beau who had been diagnosed, and sat through the Inquisition answering questions perfectly well? Get a note from your doctor and I'll let you marry her? Hah, I doubt it.

Well, I've got a bad attitude I guess. You have jumped thru all their hoops, and he adds his own just for grins? A NOTE from your DOCTOR?? I would ask him if he feels it is imperative to have a note, and if he says yes, the next step, you tell him, is to talk to the next guy up.

Or, maybe if he is so 'concerned' he could call your doctor. Maybe your doctor could tell the priest how inappropriate his actions are.

bah, humbug, grumble, phooey on that.

Shar

 

Re: Pre-wedding blues

Posted by homewood on June 5, 2002, at 6:56:31

In reply to Re: Pre-wedding blues, posted by shar on June 5, 2002, at 1:01:43

makes you wonder if they ever required a note from a prospective priests doctor saying he wasn't attracted to young boys...

 

(Glad you said it first!) (nm) homewood

Posted by beardedlady on June 5, 2002, at 8:17:43

In reply to Re: Pre-wedding blues, posted by homewood on June 5, 2002, at 6:56:31

 

Amen! (harhar) (nm) homewood

Posted by Kar on June 5, 2002, at 9:23:46

In reply to Re: Pre-wedding blues, posted by homewood on June 5, 2002, at 6:56:31

 

Re: Pre-wedding blues Kar

Posted by paxvox on June 5, 2002, at 20:26:02

In reply to Pre-wedding blues, posted by Kar on June 4, 2002, at 14:12:45

Welllllllll.......... I guess this is really a question of denominational bias. I'm sure I would offend any Catholic reader by my true answer to your post, so, I will try to be as "general" and generic as possible. That said, here's my thoughts on the subject:

Unfortunately, it STILL seems the stigma of "mental illness" is very prevalent, especially amongst the religious organizations (that, ironically, should be the MOST accepting group!).

I would not feel comfortable speaking openly in my church congregation about my medical situations, so I do not think it is just a Catholic issue. However, I do not think a priest should ask about psych. conditions unless he was a PHD in pyschology. True, many therapists ARE ordained ministers or priests, and the so-called Christian therapist is actually in high demand.

Did the priest ask if you ever had homosexual tendencies or drug dependence or alcoholism? These would be as relevant as mental illness to me. Still, I don't think if you answered "yes" to his question, it would have made any difference (unless you fiance were not aware of your condition). If anything, I would think that would have made him all the more willing to be of assistance in helping you because of the POSSIBILITIES that you might have more problems adapting to married life than a "noramal" person would. Afterall, isn't that the idea, to help people cope with their problems? Now if he were to say "I don't think you should get married because of your mental illness, until it gets better." Then THAT'S an entirely different matter, and YES, I feel that would be discrimination based on medical conditions (which, BTW, is against Federal law... see the Americans with Disabilites Act of 1992).

As for the priest's request for a "permission slip" from your Pdoc.....that's a bunch of horse hockey! I PERSONALLY would re-consider my affiliation with that church. I'm sure that all Catholic priests are not that way, perhaps it's just him?

I can't tell you what YOU should do, but I know what I would do, and that would be to find another church.

PAX


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