Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 1117970

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 47. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by alchemy on December 30, 2021, at 21:35:28

Around age 11 it began. Hell. Although some days are better days and my life isn't too bad on paper - there has not been a day that I would blink about pushing a button that said "extinct me, erase existence".
I don't understand others when they are having such a good time are grateful for life (gag). And it goes way beyond that. I go through feelings there aren't words for. I have different "types" of depression.

How have I held on for 40 years of hell? I don't have the guts to make the effort, I am hyper-responsible (vs rash), and extremely guilt prone.

On a recent short trial of gabapentin for pain it made my "must die" obsession stronger. I have reverted to pre-gabapentin.

Science has not come to the point where it can correct every problem, much less unique problems. To my dr, I am the most difficult case and the most med sensitive he has seen.

I've been researching and have volumes trying to solve my brain. I honestly wish I would have had the guts to kill myself as a teenager to prevent all the suffering. Luckily I have no kids (No way in hell I would pass down my genes.)

I think I'm going to look into Switzerland euthanasia. I don't know if they would do it in my case. I think my mom would actually come along although it would kill her - but she has witnessed my pain through the years and understands. (and her sister just had a psychic experience that she only has a year and a half to live, haha)

Thanks. Just wanted someone to listen.

(yes I've tried it all, including ECT, TMS, all meds, microdosing, ketamine (which can be hit and miss for me. almost all meds make me WORSE, and I just can't handle getting any worse. I'm exhausted from this whole thing.

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by Lamdage22 on December 31, 2021, at 0:59:19

In reply to Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by alchemy on December 30, 2021, at 21:35:28

You could try different forms of Psychotherapy and/or supplements. Maybe you have an underlying health condition? There must be a reason nothig worked.

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by Lamdage22 on December 31, 2021, at 1:17:42

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by Lamdage22 on December 31, 2021, at 0:59:19

BTW. sorry you go through this. Is/was your family loving?

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression - ignore

Posted by alchemy on December 31, 2021, at 9:42:21

In reply to Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by alchemy on December 30, 2021, at 21:35:28

I woke up completely embarrassed and I don't want to make anyone lose hope.
Happy New Year. I'm grateful to this for forum.

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression - ignore

Posted by Lamdage22 on December 31, 2021, at 10:06:46

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression - ignore, posted by alchemy on December 31, 2021, at 9:42:21

Me too. You don't make me lose hope. Just trying to make you see some. I don't know what you did to get better. Most of the time there is more that can be done than "meds don't work -> suicide". Just saying. Happy new year!

> Happy New Year. I'm grateful to this for forum.

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression alchemy

Posted by SLS on December 31, 2021, at 17:24:34

In reply to Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by alchemy on December 30, 2021, at 21:35:28

Hi, Alchemy.

I am listening.

I am not going to try to fix you.

Well, I guess I just changed my mind.

My depressive illness had been one of the worst the NIH had seen so far in 1992.

Yours sounds worse.

I have been suffering for 44 years - 17 years old to 61 years old. However, it seems that I won't have a 45th year. I am currently responding very well to:

Nardil 90 mg/day
nortriptyline - 100 mg/day
Lamictal - 300 mg/day
lithium - 300 mg/day


When it comes to using one drug at a time (monotherapy), the choices are rather limited. However, there are hundreds of ways to combine them (polypharmacy). But how do you choose from a mind-boggling number of permutations? Then, when you consider all of the the possible dosages to get right, it is no wonder it takes decades for some people to find the right keys to open the door to their locked cage and then begin to search for themselves.


1. Make a list of all the drugs that produced even the slightest of improvements regardless of how short that improvement lasted.

2. Make a list of all of the drugs that produced an exacerbation (a worsening) of your depressive state.

3. Make a list of all of the drugs that were neutral.


Ultimately, this is how I found the combination of drugs that worked for me. Keep in mind that finding the right drugs treatment includes finding the right dosage of each of those drugs in combination. For instance, in 2009, I had taken the exact same drugs that I am taking now. Ultimately, that trial ended in an unacceptable degree of improvement. This is what I took to reach that treatment failure:

Nardil 75 mg/day
nortriptyline 150 mg/day
Lamictal 200 mg/day
lithium 300 mg/day

Compare dosages. Those seemingly unimportant differences is the difference between continuing to live chained to the bottom of a murky ocean versus frolicking in the sunshine with everyone else on the beach at the water's edge. Unlimited effortless breathing.

Perhaps knowing that the beach is awaiting your arrival to join the others will help you to find a reason to suffer for one more day. You should consider your efforts to last this long as nothing short of heroic. Your condition in horrendous.

If you were fortunate enough to have had even 3 consecutive days of remission, witnessing your core self emerge from the unspeakable darkness is your carrot. Hold on tight to the memories of those days. Thoughts. Feelings. Competency. Success. Joy. Learning. Communing with the rest of humanity.

Having that which had been an exhausting struggle become the easiest of tasks.

I was once told that suicide is a permanent solution of a temporary problem.

Clever.

This is not at all relatable to me. How can anyone reliably forecast that your situation is only temporary, and that your pain and struggle will come to an end before you do? How dare anyone be so presumptuous as to think they know the mind of God. However, forgive these people. Their unrealistic, but well-meaning Pollyanna display is an attempt to lift you up, not knock you down. Be tolerant of their attempts to save you. Understand and forgive their ignorance.

My doctor at the NIH offered me an observation about depression that was extraordinarily insightful for someone who hadn't been a victim. Hes said that there is a timelessness about depression. When you are in the middle of it, there was no beginning and there shall be no end. Try to consider this phenomenon when weighing the reliability of your thoughts and feelings.

I hope that I conveyed to you my acknowledgement of your pain and endless struggle, along with my respect and acceptance of any decision you come to. Just know that IN RETROSPECT, I am now glad that I was born.

You are a hero in my book. It is my sincerest of hopes that you don't give up today, just in case you are granted your beautiful reward tomorrow.

I hope this New Year brings you reasons to celebrate and give express gratitude.


- Scott

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression alchemy

Posted by SLS on December 31, 2021, at 20:06:27

In reply to Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by alchemy on December 30, 2021, at 21:35:28

Don't give up, especially after you already have.

There is nothing wrong with blind hope. That's what hope is. It isn't what you already know that will save you. It's what you don't know.

Uncertainty.

Uncertainty is your friend. With all of the uncertainty that you recognize as being the state of the art in biological psychiatry, you can no more guarantee that you won't get well than that you will.

Alchemy, I really did listen to you. There is very little in your words that I didn't see in mine year after year.

Perhaps better said:

Suicide is permanent. Your suffering might not be.

"I give myself permission to autoeuthanize myself. It is humane. I can do this any time I want. It is my decision and nobody else's."

"I choose not to do it today."

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Well, I guess you get the idea.

That's about all I can convey to you right now. I hope you see the similarity in our experiences and the choices that are available to us.

I hope for you a miracle in 2022. Finding the treatment that brings you remission will have you believing in miracles, even if you don't believe in them right now. Miracles are in the mind of the beholder.


- Scott

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by Lamdage22 on January 1, 2022, at 3:02:46

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression alchemy, posted by SLS on December 31, 2021, at 17:24:34

Scott sounded much like you. Just because today is bad, tomorrow doesn't have to be.

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by Lamdage22 on January 1, 2022, at 3:19:45

In reply to Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by alchemy on December 30, 2021, at 21:35:28

So diagnosis is severe unipolar depression? No psychosis?

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression Lamdage22

Posted by alchemy on January 1, 2022, at 11:48:29

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by Lamdage22 on December 31, 2021, at 1:17:42

Thank you. Yes, I have a supportive family.

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression SLS

Posted by alchemy on January 1, 2022, at 11:50:11

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression alchemy, posted by SLS on December 31, 2021, at 20:06:27

Scott, thank you for your words. You have always been a wise one.

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by alchemy on January 1, 2022, at 15:45:15

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by Lamdage22 on January 1, 2022, at 3:19:45

> So diagnosis is severe unipolar depression? No psychosis?

Correct, psychosis is not something I have had. My uncle did think he was Jesus once :)

I've never had mania but I have agitation. Stabilizers make me more agitated though.

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by Lamdage22 on January 2, 2022, at 1:41:09

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by alchemy on January 1, 2022, at 15:45:15

Tryptophan or 5-HTP, D- (D-L) Phenylalanine?

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by Lamdage22 on January 2, 2022, at 1:41:53

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by Lamdage22 on January 2, 2022, at 1:41:09

Do you have access to medical services (Nutirent-blood-tests)?

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression alchemy

Posted by SLS on January 3, 2022, at 14:13:45

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by alchemy on January 1, 2022, at 15:45:15

> > So diagnosis is severe unipolar depression? No psychosis?

> Correct, psychosis is not something I have had. My uncle did think he was Jesus once :)

There is an incredibly large association between psychotic mania and "religiosity". I would say that religiosity is a reliable marker for bipolar type 1 manic behavior.

> I've never had mania but I have agitation. Stabilizers make me more agitated though.

Tiagabine (Gabitril) is one anticonvulsant that I don't trust. It is GABA reuptake inhibitor. That seems a little too potent to me. I consider it to be unpredictable, and it can result in seemingly paradoxical effects. I wouldn't be surprised if it could exacerbate a seizure disorder or be anxiogenic rather than anxiolytic.

I haven't researched this to see if my concerns are justified.


- Scott

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression SLS

Posted by undopaminergic on January 5, 2022, at 8:23:41

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression alchemy, posted by SLS on January 3, 2022, at 14:13:45

>
> There is an incredibly large association between psychotic mania and "religiosity". I would say that religiosity is a reliable marker for bipolar type 1 manic behavior.
>

God seems to be a fun-loving sort of a guy. Therefore, he shows himself more (both quantitatively and qualitatively) in the lives of people who are having fun and feeling good, and you never feel as good as you do while manic. It is easier to be spiritual or religious when you are experiencing the presence of God.

It would not surprise me if God actively tunes out the prayers of people who are miserable. They tend to be asking him to give them stuff or do stuff for them -- would you enjoy listening to that? Neither would God I'm afraid. It's understandable, but it is sad that he is not there for you when you need him the most.

> Tiagabine (Gabitril) is one anticonvulsant that I don't trust. It is GABA reuptake inhibitor. That seems a little too potent to me.
>

Wouldn't that be dose-dependent, just as it is with other reuptake inhibitors?

-undopaminergic

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression undopaminergic

Posted by SLS on January 5, 2022, at 16:21:20

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression SLS, posted by undopaminergic on January 5, 2022, at 8:23:41

I experienced religiosity during a bipolar psychotic manic episode 32 years ago. It was not pleasant. There wasn't a hint of euphoria. I had endless amounts of energy to create an endless amount of frightening delusions and overt psychosis that required physical restraints to subdue.

1. "Manic Dysphoria"

3. "Dysphoric Mania"

2. "Mixed States"

These terms have been in use since at least the mid-1980s. Neither of them describe a state of euphoria.

The religiosity that I experienced was dependent on delusional / psychotic thinking. The religiosity that I experienced was frightening. Have you ever tried to provoke the Devil into chasing your car down the interstate so that you could lure him away from attacking your girlfriend?

I have never been hospitalized for depression. My only hospitalizations were the result of mania, not depression.


- Scott

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression SLS

Posted by undopaminergic on January 6, 2022, at 8:15:20

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression undopaminergic, posted by SLS on January 5, 2022, at 16:21:20

I'm aware of the existence of mixed states. I was commenting based on my own experience. The closest I got to mixed mania was anger that caused me to do something very destructive, namely massively overdose on memantine -- I almost died. That, however, had nothing to do with religiosity.

-undopaminergic

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by Lamdage22 on January 6, 2022, at 9:25:58

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression SLS, posted by undopaminergic on January 6, 2022, at 8:15:20

Emergency room?

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression undopaminergic

Posted by SLS on January 6, 2022, at 14:04:15

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression SLS, posted by undopaminergic on January 6, 2022, at 8:15:20

> I'm aware of the existence of mixed states. I was commenting based on my own experience. The closest I got to mixed mania was anger that caused me to do something very destructive, namely massively overdose on memantine -- I almost died. That, however, had nothing to do with religiosity.
>
> -undopaminergic
>

Is there some concise statement you would like to make regarding "religiosity" as a feature of bipolar disorder?

1. What does your experience or non-experience of religiosity prove to others?

2. In what ways do think that your statements will benefit others?

3. Did Scott (SLS) experience religiosity when he was manic in 1987?

4. Is religiosity a possible symptom of bipolar disorder?

5. What is more important to the rest of the world:

. .a) Undopaminergic did not experience religiosity..
. .b) Religiosity is a symptom of bipolar disorder.

* I would not have asked these questions if I could glean from your words what you tried to convey to people.


- Scott

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by undopaminergic on January 6, 2022, at 14:28:24

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by Lamdage22 on January 6, 2022, at 9:25:58

> Emergency room?

I don't remember much of it, but as I've understood it from what I've been told, I was in intensive care.

-undopaminergic

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression SLS

Posted by alchemy on January 6, 2022, at 19:47:48

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression undopaminergic, posted by SLS on January 5, 2022, at 16:21:20

> The religiosity that I experienced was dependent on delusional / psychotic thinking. The religiosity that I experienced was frightening. Have you ever tried to provoke the Devil into chasing your car down the interstate so that you could lure him away from attacking your girlfriend?

Wow, this is so interesting.

What I call my "psychotic thinking" is probably more related to anxiety (and being miserable) - Existentialism. I thank you for your words that it is humane to auto euthanize and it is my choice to to decide to live another day. Feeling "stuck" in this universe is a theme with me. I am the opposite of impulse. I think of all ramifications and have the classic guilt aspect of depression. And even if I was alone in this world, I still probably wouldn't have the guts (which also makes me feel stuck).

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by Lamdage22 on January 6, 2022, at 22:13:39

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression SLS, posted by alchemy on January 6, 2022, at 19:47:48

Religiosity is a trait of healthy religious people, too.

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression SLS

Posted by undopaminergic on January 7, 2022, at 0:24:18

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression undopaminergic, posted by SLS on January 6, 2022, at 14:04:15

>
> Is there some concise statement you would like to make regarding "religiosity" as a feature of bipolar disorder?
>

No, I already said what I had in mind.

> * I would not have asked these questions if I could glean from your words what you tried to convey to people.
>

First, I proposed a hypothesis that may help explain why religiosity may be more common in bipolar disorder. Then you brought forth an argument about mixed states, and I responded that my comments were based on my own experience with (classic) mania and that I had very little experience with mixed states. That is all -- I'm not getting pulled into an argument.

-undopaminergic

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression Lamdage22

Posted by SLS on January 9, 2022, at 6:43:17

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by Lamdage22 on January 6, 2022, at 22:13:39

Hi, Lamdage.

> Religiosity is a trait of healthy religious people, too.

Thank you. I didn't realize that the word "religiosity" had a more generic definition. At the time I was hospitlized in 1990, "religiosity" was the word ascribed to the phenomenon that has since been renamed to "hyper-religiosity".


- Scott


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