Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 1006827

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Hopeless but still functioning

Posted by rjlockhart04=08 on January 9, 2012, at 21:12:47

You know one of things that bothers me so much is that I tell people whats going on but it doesnt ever help me personally because I still have much misery I live through. When I wake up, i get up and am depressed but I don't show it, its like I tell people and they don't see it. Its like its "hidden" and only attacks me when I'm very vunerable to depression and have misery periods that I feel like actually feeling like life would be better if I wasnt here. See these are the aspects that keep me alive, that I still have future. See right now it just feels everything has ended and it feels like I'm alive but danmed or dead.

DARS is coming along fine, soon I will see a job placement agent, i've already taken alll the psychological/vocational assesment tests for it.


But anyways...
Life is gloomy to me and I do feel like I'm dead inside. I do occationsally have spirits of life that bring me out of the dumps I am in, like going out with friends and going to clubs and just stuff that makes people happy doing. Still, no matter how much fun I have the depression, or better quoted the "misery" always returns.

Right now a major factor of this depression is that I still live at home and have no income. And of course that is my fault and I don't have anyone to blame but myself. Another factor is that I feel that I can never fuction normally again. Alot of things cause this but you know even If I still had a house to myself and had stimulants paticuar onces. I would still be sad. I rerember when I was on Dexedrine I still was miserable and sometimes the dexedrine made me hate my life even more than what I already hated because it stimulates thoughts of whatever is existing in your brain. I rerember the days when I already had everything I wanted and still wanted to not be here. One because I worked for my brother who is attorney and he would be so mean to me about getting things done. It hurt me and I would use alcohol on top of Xanax to combat the rebound period of the Dexedrine around 5-6pm. Those where very miserable times.

It always helps to count the things you have. Even thought I rather not and choose to be sad. Either way its my fault and choice to be this way. I don't need to complain to people about how miserable I am when it was a choice I made. It's just so hard to not be depressed in this catch 22 situation.

 

Re: Hopeless but still functioning rjlockhart04=08

Posted by SLS on January 10, 2012, at 7:04:37

In reply to Hopeless but still functioning, posted by rjlockhart04=08 on January 9, 2012, at 21:12:47

I don't know how much of your depression is biogenic, but getting out of the house and doing something constructive will probably make you feel better. Living independently has helped with my self-esteem.

You are very obviously kicking serious butt in your mission to establish a healthy life for yourself. Don't give up. We are all rooting for you.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Be merciful with yourself. You didn't ask to be plagued by depressive illness. Even substance abuse is not really your fault. You didn't come out of your mother's womb intent on misusing stimulants. Many people with depression end up self-medicating. Avoiding pain can be very motivating. You are always trying the best you can. That is obvious to everyone.


- Scott

 

Re: Hopeless but still functioning

Posted by Laney on January 12, 2012, at 12:00:29

In reply to Re: Hopeless but still functioning rjlockhart04=08, posted by SLS on January 10, 2012, at 7:04:37

I feel like having something to do everyday as in a job or school, etc. is important. I feel like it's pretty essential. People are counting on you, you are doing something worthwhile, you have to put a smile on and sometimes it just reconditions the brain. I don't know for sure. Just rambling.

Laney


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