Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 958564

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Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH

Posted by emmanuel98 on August 14, 2010, at 20:03:15

In reply to Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by Enigma on August 14, 2010, at 9:06:11

I think you posted this question before (or maybe it was someone else). In Boston, one of the best psychopharm docs is Carl Salzman at Harvard Med School. He has an office in Brookline. He is the go to person for TRD, is older, very experienced, knows MAOIs and neuroleptics and suggests them. He doesn't take insurance and charges $375 for an initial consult, but, for me, he was well worth the price.

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH emmanuel98

Posted by ed_uk2010 on August 15, 2010, at 12:16:07

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by emmanuel98 on August 14, 2010, at 20:03:15

>He doesn't take insurance....

I don't understand how your medical system works in the US. Why would a doctor not take insurance?

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH

Posted by Enigma on August 15, 2010, at 18:00:52

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH emmanuel98, posted by ed_uk2010 on August 15, 2010, at 12:16:07

> >He doesn't take insurance....
>
> I don't understand how your medical system works in the US. Why would a doctor not take insurance?
>

I'm gonna have to agree with you. Is he some sort of private doctor? No insurance at all? I can't swing $400, then subsequent payments for additional visits. Brookline is a hike from where I live too, and I hate driving long distances.

Oh yeah, I never said the lack of love had anything to do with my weight gain.
Fanapt caused the 15 pound gain over 1.5 years ago, and Nardil is the one slowing my metabolism down, or god knows what, and will not let the weight go.

I was in bed most of today and will probably go back, I just couldn't sleep anymore so I got up. I will in bed all of yesterday and the day before. I keep thinking about suicide. Even if I make it into the DBS study which is very difficult in and of itself, I have no idea what kind of success rate I'm going to see.

I still can't find a doctor to give me selegeline. My doctor is a jerk. He's given me PLENTY of meds he was not familiar with. He intentionally denied Selly because I didn't take his advice, drive 2 hours north to Dartmouth/Hitchcock and go inpatient just to see this certain doctor. It's a general ward. SORRY, no thanks. I can't describe how much I hate being trapped in one of those places, and was given NO guarantees how long I would be there, and I can't go anyway. My wife works and I have to watch the kids (or at least be home sleeping). My daughter is old enough to help out, but not alone.

He flat out lies, because I'm sure he knows that selly is the active ingredient in Emsam (which is he is familiar with). So he's got a God complex to, or a Dad complex with me. He's literally punishing me for not taking his terrible advice.

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH

Posted by emmanuel98 on August 15, 2010, at 19:47:13

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH emmanuel98, posted by ed_uk2010 on August 15, 2010, at 12:16:07

A lot of older docs, especially p-docs, get sick of dealing with insurance forms and billing conflicts, etc. They've left a group practice that has staff to deal with this and just won't deal with it on their own. They are semi-retired and not looking for new patients, just doing consults and continuing established patients. So they stop taking insurance. It's infuriating, but it happens. A lot of insurance policies will allow you to go "out of network" and partially reimburse the expense, but not all do. Mine didn't.

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH

Posted by emmanuel98 on August 15, 2010, at 19:50:29

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by Enigma on August 15, 2010, at 18:00:52

If you can come up with the consult fee, that's it. A one hour consult, after which he contacts your regular p-doc with advise. He is a big advocate of MAOIs and older drugs. I don't know why you want to try selegeline if Ensam didn't work. It's the same drug, taken orally instead of transdermally. Why not parnate?

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH

Posted by emilyp on August 15, 2010, at 22:12:06

In reply to Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by Enigma on August 14, 2010, at 9:06:11

Here is a list of the best doctors that treat people with mood disorders. Three of them are in Boston.

http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.psychiatrists.html

You should keep in mind, that the doctors most experienced with treatment resistant depression - particularly those on this list - are very unlikely to take insurance, including Medicare. (In fact the reason many drop of out of regular insurance is that they don't take Medicare and that causes problems with taking insurance.) This does not mean you cannot submit to insurance but you will just get paid less than if the doctor is part of the network.

But I would agree with the poster that said why ask for Selegeline if Nardil is not working.

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH

Posted by europerep on August 16, 2010, at 3:40:05

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by emmanuel98 on August 14, 2010, at 20:03:15

> He doesn't take insurance and charges $375 for an initial consult, but, for me, he was well worth the price.

pheww, $375 for one consultation? to me, that seems like these excessive drink prices in certain clubs and bars, just so that they attract only a certain clientele.. I personally find that disgusting. yes, the bars too, but especially this doctor thing.. I mean, especially if they're old they have probably made good money throughout their career and are not exactly poor.. doctors have a right to earn good money, their studies are long and tough, plus they have to keep themselves up to date all the time, but they are still members of this society and should share some of their knowledge with those who do not have the $400 for the first appointment, not even knowing whether he'll be nice and understanding.. I don't like that kind of attitude, it's basically cashing in on other people's misery and desperation...

not that the right treatment for depression isn't worth more money than I can think of, but... you get the point..

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH europerep

Posted by violette on August 16, 2010, at 12:13:26

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by europerep on August 16, 2010, at 3:40:05

Europerep,

I've asked myself similar questions.

I would also question Dr. Goldberg's criteria for determining which doctors are placed on that list-is it quantitative, or are these his friends/colleagues?

If someone compiled a 'best doctor list' that was promoted by certain doctors or frequently referred to by patients with difficult treatment issues, naturally the demand for their services could be higher which would lead to the ability to charge higher fees.

I can't say whether or not some of those doctors are the best-and if I were rich and had poor treatment outcomes, I'd take the chance and go see one! However, if you are considering pawning your Grandmother's wedding ring from the 19th century to go to one of the 'best' doctors-please reconsider...

And I think it's wise to consider the outcome of those on this site who've made trips across the country to specialty centers. I'm not sure who has had better outcomes from this-or if their treatment success came from the opinions of their regular doctors after making the expensive trek? I'd go to a specialist center if I needed to myself if I could afford it. But have those who did make trips necessarily turned out better? Just wondering...

The doctors on that list from my area do not have a reputation from therapists or doctors as being the 'best'. There seems to be a consensus in the local mental health community on those considered the best. As for other cities, I could not say. One of the doctors I checked had a 25-page cirriculum vitae. I wonder if this doctor is dedicated to building that CV or is dedicated to his patients?

There are doctors on that list who have heavy links to drug companies. That's not unusual, but something to keep in mind.

I can see why some doctors run concierge practices as the insurance constraints can prevent one truly interested in looking out for the best of their patients from providing the best care.They provide good services too.But it seems invitable that no matter what profession, there is a different standards for the rich than there is for the poor.

But-there are doctors out there who choose to practice in economically distressed areas and who take Medicare insurance-but are very, very good. Those same doctors may not appear on lists.

And my psychiatrist is dedicated to his patients despite not taking Medicare insurance.He'll treat his existing clientelle for free if need be.

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH

Posted by Enigma on August 16, 2010, at 18:28:26

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by emmanuel98 on August 15, 2010, at 19:50:29

> If you can come up with the consult fee, that's it. A one hour consult, after which he contacts your regular p-doc with advise. He is a big advocate of MAOIs and older drugs. I don't know why you want to try selegeline if Ensam didn't work. It's the same drug, taken orally instead of transdermally. Why not parnate?

Parnate not only didn't work, at all, but gave me horrible side effects. I got off it almost immediately.

I think I didn't explain my Emsam experience enough. The dermal transfer technology caused severe skin reactions. I had large square poison ivy looking "raised" rashes all over my legs and wherever I tried Emsam, BUT, it did work as an anti-depressant. I literally ran out of places to put them. Had to go to a dermatologist to get meds to get rid of the rashes.

I HAVE been on Selegeline before. It's poop out period was quick (3-6 months?) but in my notes, I didn't list any side effects, where I normally would. I'm so DONE with Nardil. I'm praying Selegeline will even work!. If not, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Going to check that med that someone mentioned above. I'm so done with my new double chin (if I put my chin down), and all the extra weight I have. I can't STAND IT. My body image is extremely important to me, and I feel and look disgusting. At the club I went to in town (and others), everyone, even the people older than me were ALL in great shape, not to mention the women. I don't feel confident at all approaching a women with this gut now. It did make my upper body bigger, as if I've been lifting weights. My biceps and triceps got bigger, and shoulders, but it could be a fat layer. The sweating, I'm SO done with, for the last few nights I didn't sweat much. Odd. But I keep the room very cold now.

I also need to work out for health reasons, and I can't with this insane sweating and overheating. I also think Selly will put me in a better mood and stop this ridiculous crying over a girl I lost 6 years ago, and crying over not having a woman. It's pathetic. Talk about an obsession.
I also started talking to myself about 1-2 months ago (started around when the crying did). I do it all the time now, 1-3 times a day. I act out various fantasies like I'm reading a book I'm writing aloud, or acting out some situation I would like to happen. Somehow it makes me feel better, I think. I could be losing my mind, I really don't know. Like I said, I have 0 friends besides a couple email pen pals that I "email" (of course). I don't talk to anyone on the phone, and haven't for 6+ months. I have all kinds of fantasies (usually about say, meeting Sarah (my soul-mate I lost) again, and having a made up conversation with her). I should really just write these things down because they could beautiful, creative short stories. My headaches are now at 10 days in a row and counting, with the 9th day only having minor ones. Having one now. Meds don't have too much effect on them.
The hospital is stumped and I can't do anything by lie down. I was pretty upset that Mass General of all places couldn't even offer ANY explanations for the headaches. They the the dull stomach pain is acid, which would be a first for me. I get constipation from Nardil too. So, for the last who knows how many years, I haven't gone to the bathroom normally for more than 2 days in a row. I cycle from constipation to diarrhea. Went to the bathroom 5 times today. Now this gas is affecting me. I can't win. I think it's the stomach med they gave me, but who knows.

So, ya, it's fun being me. I won't be technically even marketable to a women, until I meet an angel with huge heart (yeah, they exist, and are adorable and attractive to me at the same time), and where would I meet this person? In my dreams I guess, then I can have conversations with her when I talk to myself.

LOL, I'm so messed up.

I might get an appt with a shrink this week. Called a bunch of places today. Assuming they even know what Nardil, or Selegeline is.

Gotta go lie down, head is killing me. Looks like another bedtime of 7:30 for me. When I was hypo-manic (mostly), I would go to bed at 4:00 am every night and get up around 9-10. Had to get my "me" time in. Those interests are gone now, sadly. Luckily I was able to clean the pool filter today. I should have done it days ago, but I was bedridden for about 3 days in a row, crying, talking to myself, you know, normal stuff like that. ;)

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH Enigma

Posted by Phillipa on August 16, 2010, at 19:11:40

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by Enigma on August 16, 2010, at 18:28:26

I'm so sorry. You know yourself so go for it with the seligline. I've heard similar stories about the EMSAM rashing. Pity that happened. Phillipa

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH

Posted by Enigma on August 17, 2010, at 19:13:32

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by emilyp on August 15, 2010, at 22:12:06

>But I would agree with the poster that said why ask for Selegeline if Nardil is not working.

At first glance, when I saw this question I said "WTF?????", to be totally honest.

I thought I made it very clean the Selly (as I call it) doesn't have ANY of the 4 INTENSELY HORRIBLE side-effects that Nardil has. I could have sworn I'm written that many times over.

I checked my notes and I didn't list a single side effect for Selly, and the bottle is empty, which usually means I tolerated quite well, which matches my memory too.

Sorry if I can't take:
worsening insomnia (need 3 drugs to sleep every night)

I sweat doing even the most minimal movements like going downstairs to get something, in humidity, I feel like I'm going to explode. I sweat from drinking hot liquids, I sweat through clothes and have to get up and change them at night, and after a luke-warm shower, I have to cool off under a cool fan for 5-10 minutes before I can put any clothes on. If it's winter and I take a hot shower, my body continues to sweat, 20 mins after I've dried off, and soaks the clothes I just put on.

I never go to the bathroom normally. Nardil gives me terrible constipation, so I've tried everything, even going to a Gastro guy a few times. I'm either bloated or have to run to the bathroom 5-6 times a day.. so those days, I can't even leave the house.. some other med gives me gas too, so I'm a total mess. Won't leave the house.

The inability to lose weight, and even gain more after working out blows my mind and I HATE how I look. Call me a control freak, I don't care. I've been in awesome shape all my life until Seroquel, Zyprexa, and Nardil. I haven't lost of a pound in 1.5 years on Nardil. I eat almost nothing, sweat like crazy working on pool and yard all day, and I end up weighting even more. It's giving me a double chin now, my face looks fatter (and gross), then there the basketball gut. NO THANKS.

Umm, is THAT enough reason for you?

Oh yeah, and I cry all the time, still having suicidal ideation (which Nardil USED to control, and now does not, and I'm miserable and bedridden many more days than I used to be on Nardil. It's Pooping out. Like every other drug I've ever tried.

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH

Posted by Enigma on August 17, 2010, at 19:24:49

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by europerep on August 16, 2010, at 3:40:05

> > He doesn't take insurance and charges $375 for an initial consult, but, for me, he was well worth the price.
>
> pheww, $375 for one consultation? to me, that seems like these excessive drink prices in certain clubs and bars, just so that they attract only a certain clientele.. I personally find that disgusting. yes, the bars too, but especially this doctor thing.. I mean, especially if they're old they have probably made good money throughout their career and are not exactly poor.. doctors have a right to earn good money, their studies are long and tough, plus they have to keep themselves up to date all the time, but they are still members of this society and should share some of their knowledge with those who do not have the $400 for the first appointment, not even knowing whether he'll be nice and understanding.. I don't like that kind of attitude, it's basically cashing in on other people's misery and desperation...
>
> not that the right treatment for depression isn't worth more money than I can think of, but... you get the point..
>
>

I'm with you, I think that's insane. I hardly know any doctors, and I've been too and called a million of them, and they ALL took insurance. I've never even heard of a doctor who didn't take at least 1 kind of insurance. $400 is terribly steep to pay for service I used to get for free, plus it's QUITE a hike for me to see him, and, who knows how far he's booked out.

Currently I cannot find a single doctor that takes medicare, isn't booked 3 months out, and even KNOWS what Selegeline or Nardil is. I call new docs everyday in both NH and Mass. It's all my last Doctor's fault. I won't repeat my comments, by denying my med and covering the excuse with a lie, he couldn't even tell to my face (has his horrible (trying to be nice) secretary to do it.
He's put me through hell.

At the same time, I believe my gastro PA is WRONG (I see the read MD soon - can't wait), because I have these headaches every day (for 12 days now I thing, and I'm messed up severely in the stomach with pain, diarrhea, constipation, etc. 2 places were stumped, and blamed Nardil.. So, for the last month, I've been severely depression, in constant pain in the head and stomach, and bowels, and suicidal too, and I can't find ANYONE to help me. Tried Mass General, they were tools. Gastro PA is a joke. My PCP was always a joke and downplayed every illness I ever had, and quit anyway. So no PCP and no shrink right now.

Something's gotta me done about the docs. EVERY single doc I called, some places have 30-50 on staff, and ALL are either not taking patients, or booked out 2-4 months. That's a crisis in my opinion. I'm going to call a nurse-practitioner tomorrow to see if any will give me meds and re-prescribe them. I have a friend with lyme disease who swears my his.. Too bad she's over and hour away.

Bah.. In such a bad mood. Worst of all, a 500gig hard drive with tons of data on it crashes. So upset!

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH Enigma

Posted by Phillipa on August 17, 2010, at 21:26:15

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by Enigma on August 17, 2010, at 19:24:49

Oh definitely believe you about medicaire and the waits same here. And that doesn't touch the topic of MAOI's or drugs like them. University hospital? I just don't know. Phillipa

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH

Posted by ed_uk2010 on August 18, 2010, at 16:44:07

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH Enigma, posted by Phillipa on August 17, 2010, at 21:26:15

It all sounds very complicated. Here, you can't see a psychiatrist without a referal from your GP. In fact, you can't see any type of specialist without a referal from your GP. You don't normally get much of a choice RE who you get referred to - just one of the consultants at the nearest hospital usually. There are no issues with insurance; services are funded by the NHS. Those who can afford sometimes pay to see a 'private' doctor if the NHS consultant has a long waiting list. Most psychiatrists rarely use MAOIs. They mainly use SSRIs and atypical antipsychotics. It's normally a case of like it or lump it. I don't see a psychiatrist anymore, just my GP for time to time.


 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH Enigma

Posted by ed_uk2010 on August 18, 2010, at 16:47:00

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by Enigma on August 17, 2010, at 19:24:49

>My PCP was always a joke...

Can't you see another one? Might be willing to give you selegiline since you've taken it before.

Are you still in the process of tapering Nardil?

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH ed_uk2010

Posted by Phillipa on August 18, 2010, at 21:26:15

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by ed_uk2010 on August 18, 2010, at 16:44:07

Ed no GP an internist instead. And when I see him which is about never he sends me to the specialist of that field whether it be infection control, ob-gyn, neurologist, pdoc, gastro etc. Everyone has a specialty. He won't even treat my thyroid has to be the endo in my case. PJxxx

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH

Posted by Enigma on November 22, 2010, at 10:56:25

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH ed_uk2010, posted by Phillipa on August 18, 2010, at 21:26:15

> Ed no GP an internist instead. And when I see him which is about never he sends me to the specialist of that field whether it be infection control, ob-gyn, neurologist, pdoc, gastro etc. Everyone has a specialty. He won't even treat my thyroid has to be the endo in my case. PJxxx

I'm finally unblocked for "swearing". Whatever.

All the primary care docs here can handle is the common cold, and I'm not exaggerating that much, really. They just point you to a "specialist" whom, in my case, sucks pretty bad at helping you as well, and are just as quick to point you back to your PCP or yet another doctor. No one wants to treat anything that isn't just a simple, common problem, but they love to bill you and your insurance for tests and follow up appts. you don't need or want. Most of the time all they need to do is ask you questions about your symptoms and health, but instead, they set up more useless tests that never show anything, raking in hundreds of dollars for those tests. My PCP appt was $382 bucks!!! For that, I got threatened (with hospitalization), insulted, given attitude because I was sick - cause I guess depression (to him) is simply an attitude problem, so I deserve to get berated from a doctor for my "bad attitude". He even held back meds he promised me when we spoke during the last appt. He told me to go to my p-doc, and when I did, I got there (1.5 months later) and the first thing the doctor said is that he can't help me. I've been dealing with this crap for years. Many years. I'm done.

These "doctors" of course bill you for an appt first, get your money, THEN tell you they can't help you, instead of doing it over the phone, saving you time and money, and sanity. I love waiting 1-3 months (in multiple forms of pain, no sleep, etc) for an appt. just to find out all they had to tell me was "I can't help you", and YES, they already knew what I was coming in for, but the appt's gets booked anyway. Not sure how the hell they sleep at night.

As far as me, I've been off Nardil for 2-3 months, and been off Selegeline for 1-2 months, but still suffer from 2 *severe* side effects that are completely life altering.

I don't care anymore. I have a new "exit strategy" that will instantly end all my "problems". I'm sick of fighting the "system", people in general, my satanic "wife", and my own brain. I'm done. Just need to handle some legal crap, and that's that. I wish I had could enjoy something, or anything, but I can't. I've pretty much accepted my fate.

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH Enigma

Posted by ed_uk2010 on November 22, 2010, at 15:34:00

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by Enigma on November 22, 2010, at 10:56:25

Hmm, at least doctors appointments are free here (unless you choose to 'go private'). It's a good job really, because we don't have many pdocs that you'd be happy to pay to see.

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH Enigma

Posted by Phillipa on November 22, 2010, at 19:26:05

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by Enigma on November 22, 2010, at 10:56:25

Enigma yes that is the way it is here for sure. But what are you saying that you are giving up? Could you explain that further? I wouldn't want to see something happen to you. Phillipa ps didn't know you were blocked so sorry

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH

Posted by Enigma on November 22, 2010, at 20:26:20

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH Enigma, posted by Phillipa on November 22, 2010, at 19:26:05

> Enigma yes that is the way it is here for sure. But what are you saying that you are giving up? Could you explain that further? I wouldn't want to see something happen to you. Phillipa ps didn't know you were blocked so sorry

Thanks for the kind words Phillipa. I could explain, but I'd be here all night.

Besides my illness, which keeps changing and torturing me, there's well, the person I married, who has basically become the devil. Not sure how else to put it. It's like a crazy episode of Jerry Springer that won't end. She's like my mother, now. She says and does things that are pretty much, insane, and then tries to talk to me the next day like she didn't do anything wrong. I feel like I'm back in the house I grew up in, that caused all my brain damage to begin with. I refuse to pay her way for the rest of my life, while she gets everything, and I lose everything I ever worked for. She's gonna get the kids, there's no doubt about that, and I'm gonna be all alone, in some blank-hole apartment or something that I'd rather be dead than live in.

So, I plan on not being around for the divorce. My kids will pay the ultimate price, and that's the last thing I want, but there's not much point in me going further downwards and continuing to suffer, endlessly.

There's no light at the end of the tunnel for me.

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH Enigma

Posted by Phillipa on November 22, 2010, at 21:31:45

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by Enigma on November 22, 2010, at 20:26:20

Enigma you mention brain damage? In what form? From what? Physical abuse? When you mention your wife you mention "she's become the devil and my Mom" and acts the next day as if everthing is okay. What happened the night before. You many have mentioned I think you did bipolar II and now MDD. What caused the change in diagnosis. Not to be suggesting something I have no right to could you be psychotic now? What's happened during the block time as I see this thread was started in was it July? Lots of time has gone by. Well it could take all night to explain but I feel It could be necessary with the time lapse to fully understand. Would you be okay with that? Phillipa

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH

Posted by Enigma on November 23, 2010, at 7:34:30

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH Enigma, posted by Phillipa on November 22, 2010, at 21:31:45

> Enigma you mention brain damage? In what form? From what? Physical abuse? When you mention your wife you mention "she's become the devil and my Mom" and acts the next day as if everthing is okay. What happened the night before. You many have mentioned I think you did bipolar II and now MDD. What caused the change in diagnosis. Not to be suggesting something I have no right to could you be psychotic now? What's happened during the block time as I see this thread was started in was it July? Lots of time has gone by. Well it could take all night to explain but I feel It could be necessary with the time lapse to fully understand. Would you be okay with that? Phillipa

I had a bookmark to this post, which is why I came back to it. I was cleaning out my bookmarks and my pc in general. I don't want to get into anything here. I can send you babble mail if you want.

Really quick, though... I believe, and this isn't new, I've believed/known this for many, many years, that my bipolar disorder was caused by trauma, not genetics. My "mother" and "father" physically abused me, but the mental abuse was far worse. For most of my mid-teen years, I fight with my mother (and father), yelling at the top of my lungs for so many different horrible things she did to me. It was a non-stop wall/door punching festival for at least 3-4 years. It tore me apart. I was a powder keg of anger, hate, and rage for years then, and following my "escape" from "hell house".
If I ever find the energy, I'll babblemail you later and explain the rest.

Thanks for caring btw, no one else does, especially my PoS "wife"-creature. All she can think of is herself these days. It turns my stomach.

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH

Posted by creepy on November 23, 2010, at 9:45:48

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by Enigma on August 17, 2010, at 19:13:32

Your post sounds like me, minus the wife and kids. I avoided those due to PTSD. I dont want to flip out on someone I love and I cant always control it.
Ive had issues with doctors too. Suffering while waiting months for appointments, being taken off of medications that were working (and being lied to about the reasons why). Its bad..
And the timing is the worst part. Because you feel like total crap and youre struggling just to ask for help, it makes it feel so much worse when they turn you down.
Sometimes the options they give you are awful and they skip right over things that youd like to try. Youre at the mercy of their past experience here, and how well it fits your case.

Heres my advice: be careful how you phrase medication requests. Even if a drug is totally benign, some docs will think youre 'drug-seeking' or have some sort of control struggle with them.
You could say 'Ive done well on this drug in the past' or 'my brother takes it with good results'.
But if you walk in and say 'I talked with a bunch of people online and I know this med would help me' no matter how much research you do, this approach is doomed.
Also, you -need- a therapist if you dont have one already. you need some support when youre dealing with all this crap. And when you DO find a med combo that lifts the depression you have to work hard in therapy to keep that gain going.

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH

Posted by Enigma on November 23, 2010, at 10:55:03

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by creepy on November 23, 2010, at 9:45:48

> Your post sounds like me, minus the wife and kids. I avoided those due to PTSD. I dont want to flip out on someone I love and I cant always control it.

My irritability came back after years of it being gone, and after my "wife" started treating me like crap - like the person that ruined her life (when it's the other way around), I completely lose it on her. I scream and yell the worst things, right in front of the kids. I don't feel bad about hurting that witch, but I don't like the kids involved in any way. I actually don't even speak to her anymore and sadly, we live in the same house. She has no money to leave (and won't even go to her parents for a while and give me some peace from her madness), and I don't want to leave my kids. It's a no win situation.
It's really like being in hell.

Everyone that pisses me off is out of my life. I burn bridges with a flame-thrower. I don't really have any regrets there though, because all those people did is let me down, continuously, hurt me, lied to me, used me, there weren't real friends, and so on, even through I was a stellar friend. I think people only hurt you more when you are "too good" to them. Makes no sense, but it's what always happened to me. Luckily, I never lose it on the kids, but have been meaner to them than I'd like to be on some occasions.

> Ive had issues with doctors too. Suffering while waiting months for appointments, being taken off of medications that were working (and being lied to about the reasons why). Its bad..

Yeah, I completely hear you there.

> And the timing is the worst part. Because you feel like total crap and youre struggling just to ask for help, it makes it feel so much worse when they turn you down.

Tell me about it. Asking for help isn't easy, because even the people that "help" people for a living, still look down you and think you are weak and broken. Makes me want to hurt them, any way I can. I found out that the hard way, by doctors talking behind my back to other doctors, to my wife, stuff they just admit to me. It's unreal.

What kills me is that they keep telling my wife (when we used to go to appointments together) how bad it must be for her. Amazing. No one ever said, wow, your wife sounds awful (and she is and was), and feels bad for the crap I have to deal with from her. Even doctors stereotype you as "the sick one" and think everyone else is perfect, when they are far from it. At least one therapist told me I need to get as far away from her as possible. Finally.

I really wish it were that simple. Killing myself would do it, but then my kids would suffer, it's still my plan though. Just have some stuff to take care of first. Legal stuff, my will, estate garbage, etc. I'm going to leave her nothing, and everything to the kids, even though they can't touch the money until they are 18. I struggle with that every single day, hurting my kids by committing suicide. I go back and forth with the decision several times each day. I want to die, badly. Have for years. I enjoy nothing. I hate living. I suffer needlessly. I can't work or even "do" anything constructive. I barely sleep. I can't even pass the time because I don't enjoy doing "anything" anymore, and hate everyone.

Now I have to "carry" this woman who ruined my life, for another 20 years? I don't think so. She's going to get mostly ALL of the custody, if not 100%, because she's a witch, the system is BROKEN, and she's gonna paint a picture of me of being a complete loser (her lawyers will, which sadly enough, I'll end up paying for - isn't that the sickest thing you ever heard?), and mentally ill, so that's not gonna help. Funny, she has no problem spending all the money I get for being sick though.. my disability. It keeps her alive, fed, sheltered, etc, yet she trashes me and my illness all the time. She's not human. Not anymore.

She doesn't even think she's being mean/spiteful and 100 other terrible things. That's what really blows my mind. Just like my mother.. she would punch you in the face, for no reason, you'd get ripping mad, then 10 mins later she's acts like everything is fine, and is astounded that you're actually angry about what she did to you and calls YOU crazy. It's mind-numbing and causes no end of rage. An apology?? Yeah right. First they would need to be capable of seeing that they are at fault, which they can't, let alone try to apologize for what they did. I never thought I would have another person in my life like that, that I'm stuck with and can't get rid of.

> Sometimes the options they give you are awful and they skip right over things that youd like to try. Youre at the mercy of their past experience here, and how well it fits your case.
>
> Heres my advice: be careful how you phrase medication requests. Even if a drug is totally benign, some docs will think youre 'drug-seeking' or have some sort of control struggle with them.

Believe it or not, I have had several "doctors" where I was the one that actually suggested the meds to, then I would then get scripts for. This is a mixed bag though - actually worse, as I'm sick on top of everything, and I have to be my own doctor - and - it's easy to miss certain side-effects of meds, when you're desperate to feel better, and take the drugs anyway, then you suffer from severe side-effects, because your so-called "doctor" has NO experience with the meds they prescribe you, but prescribe them anyway...
I never got warnings of side-effects from almost all my doctors. Amazing.

I would rather be depressed than have the two major side-effects from Nardil I still have, and I've been off the drug for about 3 months now. I think they are permanent (at least that's what people here tell me). At least the weight finally came off when I stopped it. I wish I never touched Nardil now. No doctor here, out of like 6-8 of them, ever even prescribed an MAOI and none of the doctors knew any of the side-effects. Most of them knew NOTHING about most of the side-effects from any drug I ever got from them. I really don't know how that's possible, but they didn't. Don't they have other patients? Learn from them? Do any research? One side effect makes life unbearable 1/2 the time, and the other makes it impossible for me to even date. I don't even want to get into it.

> Also, you -need- a therapist if you dont have one already. you need some support when youre dealing with all this crap. And when you DO find a med combo that lifts the depression you have to work hard in therapy to keep that gain going.

They don't help me. I'm too smart for my own good. I always know what they are going to say and they quickly realize, after talking to me, that I'm 100% aware of everything that's happening to me, and know they can't help me, and they literally stop trying, even just after 1-2 visits. Most won't even suggest I make another appointment because, like I said, they realize it's just wasting time for both of us.

Support would be nice, but I'm not gonna pay someone to insult my intelligence... See, I have no friends, can't date (for reasons I don't want to get into), and my "family" is a complete joke. All 2 of them. I have no extended family in this country, so that sucks too.
The therapists know they can't create friends for me, the perfect love of my life, restore my interest in *anything*, and so on, and they know that's what I want, and what I need. They have no idea what to even suggest for me. Shrinks don't either.

It's a pretty hopeless situation. All I have to look forward to is selling my house (losing MY house - it's paid for!!! and I'm gonna lose it), lose 80k on the house price because of the economy - Yeah, I REALLY want to take a loss on my house... Losing custody of my kids. If I'm LUCKY I will get them every other weekend. That's 4 whole days a MONTH. 4 effing days!! I'm only ALIVE for THEM as it is, and it's been the only reason I've stayed alive this long.
Then there's all my "stuff" I'm going to lose 1/2 of, and whatever else I don't feel like mentioning. Then support the lazy B for 10-20 more years? Yeah, right, I'd rather swallow a cannonball.

I finally found a potential person to hang out with, but I honestly don't care anymore and pretty much scared him off. I can't go "there" again.. try to befriend someone, then they find out I'm "depressed" or "bipolar" and <poof!> they are gone like a magic act. I'd rather not try anymore than be hurt for the 10,000th time by people like that. So many people have used me and dumped me when they no longer needed me it's hard to believe. I can't go through that again. I not only have 0 faith in people, I hate them. I believe most everyone is a selfish bastard and want nothing to do them with anyone. Past experience of having "friends" for 25 years has taught me that. Women have been cruel and mean for no reason - oh because an "older" guy wanted to have a conversation. Every girl things you want to "be" with them, when 99% of the time, I just want to talk to someone. Forget that at 40, even though I look more like 30. Doesn't matter.

So, every day I try to figure out when the best time is to finally exit my life. Now all I have is hate, added on to my mania, depression, etc, which causes me no end of pain.

 

Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH Enigma

Posted by Phillipa on November 23, 2010, at 19:42:40

In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by Enigma on November 23, 2010, at 10:55:03

Enigma if you would like to talk feel free to babblemail. Phillipa


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