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Re: my mother died

Posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2022, at 16:45:15

In reply to Re: my mother died, posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2022, at 16:32:26


i don't know how things are with the health system.

but i do remember how things were with my mother.

she chose not to have a second opinion. she chose to purchase the '-mib' made in Bangladesh.

she chose to not invite me to medical appointments etc etc.

she chose to inform me that she was inviting another sister to them...

i didn't take the bait. what is the bait? it is a dynamic... the kind of dynamic whereby a couple go to a pub and the girl maybe flirts a little or someone maybe flirts a little with the girl and then the guy is required to, expected to, display jealousy -- otherwise he doesn't really care about the girl.

my mother quite likes those kinds of set ups or situations or whatever. many people do, i suppose. i am not a fan of those kinds of things. i don't think they are genuine... i think there are more mature ways of displaying caring etc than by way of jealousy...

i mean to say i did not feel jealous of my sister that my mother was choosing her to take along rather than myself.

but i did and i do vaguely resent that my mother wanted or expected me to react in that way...

i think genuinely what was behind it was that she thought my sister might let her move in with her. she thought she might be able to move in with my sister when she wasn't able to live independently any more. she thought that was more likely than her moving in with me or my moving in with her. so that's why she wanted my sister around. she was hoping my sister would offer or something... rather... my sister actually sold her house and brought another over that time period and then told her that she couldn't live with her in the new house because it was not suitable.

i suppose my Mother took control of the situation as best she could. I think that is the thing of it, really. Things feel out of control... Death. Sickness.

She did not want me to be involved in helpling her. It also made no sense that she wasn't getting up to specialists in Auckland... Except covid, I guess. Travelling into the problem area when she was immunocompromised.


I feel like I have processed it considerably better than my Father. Because I spent more time with her closer to the end. I got to grieve with my sister when I first went down and saw how badly she was...

She went away on Christmas around lunch-time. It was quite noticable that she was not herself anymore. There was something pet semetary about the situation. She was irritable etc. I suppose that is a side-effect to be expected etc.

I suppose it gets to the point of systems failure... YOu have to die of something, eventually. She did keep saying she was not in any pain she was not and she didn't want more pain relief.

She was also... During life... Another dynamic that I never understood... When I was saying about staying in hotels and there were cleaners.. ANd she was all like 'LUCKY!!!! they do EVERYTHING for you'. LIke... She would quite like to be a lord with slaves doing everything for her. She was also very up in visiting her friends in hospital. Thinking how lucky they were that the nurses were doing everything for them etc.

Then when she was in hospital scolding people when they weren't as attentive to her as she would like. Having to wait 2 hours between them checking on her (she supposed)...

A sort of 'you give her an inch and she takes a mile'.. Sort of testing...


I did feel relief to hear that she passed in the night. 2 days after christmas. I was starting to be very fearful that she might stay as she was (unrecognisably herself) for... 6 months.. more??


But it is hard for me to process when I don't have her medical records etc. But that was by her choice. She chose to intentioanlly withhold them from me for her own reasons that probably have more to do with her exerting power / control over what little she could control. Namely.... Me.

Everyone is fond of that. Forcing me. Quite the government pass-time.




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