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Re: mothers cancer

Posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2021, at 17:24:51

In reply to mothers cancer, posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2021, at 17:10:49

i guess it is just that they are tired. that is the thing of it.

when i saw my dad he seemed himself... fairly much... the night i arrived. we went outside for a smoke. he seemed thinner. slower to move around. but he seemed himself.

a bit.. vague. but he would be like that, sometimes. he said a few things... about going through photographs.. about how i should take the ones i liked..

i thought... i thought that (since i was staying for a few weeks) that i would have more time with him.

but that was the last i saw him, really. seems to me. until i gave him a hug goodbye when i got on the shuttle to go catch my flight from a different city.

that is to say i didn't really see anything of him during the few weeks i was there... i guess because i wasn't involved, really, in intimately caring for him... and it was too hard for him to get out of bed and walk about...

he was tired.

he couldn't get enough oxygen or whatever. i guess that's it.

i think that's where mum is now, too. tired. not getting enough oxygen. so just sleepy. sleepy in the brain as well. just tired.

just really not thinking really. just tired.

probably i should get kim and say 'let's go see her' if i want to see her.

only it's a lock-down now and we aren't supposed to be travelling anywhere at all... so...

i guess i'll just ring her a bit more on the phone. i guess.

it is difficult.


i remember that things changed for me quite significantly after my dad went. psychologically. it took months for things to... ramify...

i wonder how things will change once she goes.

it was freeing... eventually. i quit smoking. got healthier.

until i returned to nz...
then the continual fighting for... the continual fighting while watching everything go from bad to worse to worse to worse to worse...
career-development wise-etc i mean to say.
just not being allowed to do anything at all.. nothing.. nada. not listening to me. nope. nobody home? nobody home! i'm just a stupid child who can't do anything at all -- right? just a slave who must be forced or co-erced into doing things that are not what i intended or wanted to do with my life at all... because the nzl government knows what is best for me (or what is best for itself as the expense of me -- right?) right? right? that's the only possible sense that i can make of why they repeatedly violate the laws in order to ensure i cannot do or accomplish or achieve any of the things that i want and plan and work for...

and that kind of... well... being stymied.
and now.. being forced to slave for the courts. sort of writing... well... reading and writing reading and writing reading and writing.
if i wanted to read and write all day i would have finished my philosophy phd and gone onto the philosophy job market internationally...
if i wanted to do that.
but i made different choices...
so hahahhahahahha that means i can be forced to read and write and read and write and read and write for no pay as a slave with no degree...
hahahhahahahhahahaha that's what i get for choosing differently...
that is to say for facing up to there being no choice at all

because the government just loves all the things i write about it.


maybe time to stop forcing the writing then?

can i get into doing the work that i wanted to do then?

i could be too busy studying medicine and practicing that to have political opinions at all.

i could be... not needing ot express political opinon at all.

i could be... living my life.

contributing to my community... to making things better...

but instead.

here we are.


i guess it will be about the UN and about getting out of here...

i don't see anything for me in nzl.

it is a toxic country and i find myself wanting to drink myself to death, now. it was smoking before.

it's just a toxic country where people are nasty ot each other trying to kill each other and... not caring whether they themselves live or die.

so far as i can see...





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