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Re: willful stupidity

Posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2021, at 19:33:02

In reply to willful stupidity, posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2021, at 19:18:22

my mother has been offered a prescription for a chemotherapy (pill) treatment from a NZ specialist that will cost her thousands of dollars because the treatment is not funded in nz.

the treatment is funded in australia, but not here.

the treatment is not FDA approved as a first line treatment for her condition in the USA. It is FDA approved as a second line treatment in the US for her condition only for when first line treatment has been administered and there has not been good response to first line treatment.

she has not been offered an approved first line treatment.


or maybe she has.

it's hard to know, with my mother.

i need to disengage. honestly.


when she heard i was staying in a hotel / motel she was like 'ooooh fancy'. she was very interested in how there were cleaning staff to do my dishes for me and make my bed for me and all these things.

it is like...

how some people when they stay in hotels make a point of getting their moneys worth or somesuch. taking all the free things. leaving as much mess as possible. using up all the towels etc etc. just because they can.

i felt... embarrassed that someone else was making my bed for me. i leave it unmade because i don't feel it's worth the effort of my making it. but then i feel bad that someone else went to the effort of making it. i would keep it cleaner than i would when left to my own devices because i was mindful of other people. conscientious. i don't know.


she's all happy about them doing everything for her and how happy she is and how grateful. and how exciting it is to be in the hospital. getting all up in everyones business etc etc...

and it makes me feel... cringe.

because i'm different.

i do feel embarrassed.




she's all raving about the food etc, too.


that's the whole thing in the waikato. you gotta treat people badly otherwise they won't want to go home.

but then you gotta keep setting the bar on that lower and lower...

and then actual abuse.

but still...


anyway... she's make it clear to me that knowledge isn't her priority. she wants to be humored.

it's all she's ever wanted.

someone to regulate her emotions for her.

by doing what she wants when she wants it... and particularly on an emotional level.

keeping her amused. entertained. stopping her from gnawing at her hands.





i told her that i didn't understand why they were offering her 2nd line treatment rather than 1st line. i pointed out the 2nd line treatment wasn't approved as a 1st line treatment by the FDA. in other words, the reason the 2nd line treatment wasn't funded as a first line treatment in NZ wasn't about the money... it wasn't approved as a treatment...

she has the information. some of it. i said it. she can check it with her own research if she chooses.


she doesn't want to be responsible for her decision.

she wants to give up authority to someone she perceives to be powerful...

the whole attitude that the 'older generation' of 'people just want me to choose for them' she's the perfect... complement. to that.

she responds the way they want their victims to respond.

she's the perfect victim in that respect.


i'm not like her.


they require me to be like her. they require themsleves to believe that i am.

they are delusional in their thinking.

'i know you are but what am i rawaaaaaaawk rawwwwwwwwk' scream the dementor abusers oh mighty white supremacist leaders...


she tells me she is getting the help she needs from them and she doesn't want information etc. so...

i say 'i am glad to hear you feel cared for'.

and there's an end to it.


likely there's things i'm supposed to be doing right now.
grubbity grubby things re money.

that's the point of the money -- right?

the sisters are supposed to be swarming falling over each other in a popularity contest to be most liked to be favorite...

and i just don't wanna play that game.

it's not part of my self-conceptoin.

any more than victim is.





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