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Re: vaccination

Posted by alexandra_k on December 25, 2020, at 22:27:02

In reply to vaccination, posted by alexandra_k on December 25, 2020, at 21:59:02

and, well, i guess that's why.

the people go 'why would you help us? the way that we have treated and abused you, why would you help us?'

so the people are pretty committed to making sure i stay kicked back and down and making sure i don't have any kind of power at all because they know full well they betted against me from the very very earliest of years. they chose to treat me badly and abuse me and hurt me betting that i would never be able to do anything about it.

so they are very very committed to my being rubbish and being percieved to be rubbish.

my mother included. my mother particularly.

sometimes i feel a bit bad for her... but other times i remember some of the... senseless... psychological torture things. or aspects. when she just decided to be arbitrarily cruel. how she started going to all these 'tough love' things and she went through this phase of getting a kick out of telling everyone how bad and evil i was. how i was always being punished because i was such a horrible unloveable child.

just seriously unnecessarily cruel and f*ck*d up.

and now she laughs nervously 'you remember all that?' and she says 'you can't possibly remember that you were only a child' all accusatory. and then sometimes she just says 'i don't remember' or whatever. but i have glimmers or glimpses that she does remember. and she did it... because she could. because she got a kick of making me feel bad. 'now you know how i feel'. or something like that. 'now you know how terribly bad i feel and i can't just pull myself up by my bootstraps'. i guess an element of that. and then i was the outward expression of her misery. and then she didn't need to feel it anymore.

shame she couldn't have chosen something like... keeping a diary. or talking to a therapist. a victimless means of expression. relatively speaking.

but there we go.

i imagine it must have been hard to be the only daughter of a man who lost the church because he didn't think the government was doing the right thing in forcing certain special chosen young men to go off to die around teh other side of the world.

she did say, recently, there was a lot of shame. people saying her father was a coward. how only cowards didn't stand up for themself.

yeah... you have to be a coward to stand up for what you believe when the angry mob puts you in a concentration camp detention facility for your belief. that's cowardly. yeah. it's hate it love and 2+2=5 the only thesis this country would ever have accepted from me, double-speak delusonal garbage garbage garbage carrots cabbages potatoes.

so she was pretty used to feeling a lot of shame. and being bullied and ridiculed. and in a time when what you did was marry... who wants to marry the daughter of a defiled pastor who lost the church? only someone who likes to abuse her -- because what is anybody going to do about that?


i think that was the situation. basically. something like that.

and the government appears to have been at it ever since...

that. something like that.


that's why the concientious objectors had to be... upstanding people. community builders. they needed to not be unruly guys to be driven off so everyone else can live in relative peace.

they needed to be polite and respectful and orderly. they needed to be kind. they needed to engage in community building (not destroying) activities.

that's why the churches tried...

but the government put them in detention facilities / concentration camps. it didn't value their lives at all. it wanted to drive them away. like how sealions and many other animals drive away the young males until they come back and kill the male leaders once they are past their prime.

the government treats it's people like animals




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